Full Moon
by AnonymousBeta
Summary: A parody: Bella betrays Edward to explore her feelings with Jacob. As their relationship unfolds, it starts to feel like they must both fight a long, hard battle just to stay together. [Rated: T for suggestive romance scenes, minor language, and violence.] (Stephenie Meyer retains all rights to characters, plot, setting, and story. No copyright infringement is intended).
1. Betrayal

I felt tears prickling my eyes again. How pathetic. The moonlight outside my window was overshadowed by moving wisps of clouds. I squeezed my eyes shut. Why did I do this?

"Bella," his husky voice sounded lowly behind me. I took a deep breath and turned. Jacob was looking at me carefully, his brown eyes deep with concern. "Why'd you ask me here?" I bit my lip and dropped my gaze.

"I wanted to talk to you," I sighed.

"About . . ." Jake prompted. I felt my face redden. He shouldn't be here. If Edward ever found out . . . - "Bella," he whispered again, easily closing the short distance between us. "What's wrong?"

"I-" I turned and walked to my bed, easing onto the edge of it. Suddenly, my brilliant plan of patching things up with Jake before the wedding seemed ridiculous. He sank next to me, his hands clasped in front of him. I could see the pain etched deeply on his face. There wasn't a way to fix this. I bit my lip.

"I shouldn't have asked you to come here," a few traitorous tears leaked out of my eyes. I was hurting him again, for no reason.

"No," Jacob kept his voice low, sliding his hand under mine. It was so warm, I didn't want to move it. He must have seen the tear slide down my check before I could wipe it away. He spoke in an unbelievably gentle voice, "Bells, I've been gone . . . awhile. I didn't hear anything from you, for weeks. Now, all the sudden you've got Seth and Sam chasing me down like I've committed a murder. I didn't want to come back," he frowned suddenly, his forehead rumpling. "No, I _did_ want to come back. But, nothing's changed. This _hurts_," he emphasized. My tears were quickly turning into sobs. I stifled them as best I could, burying my face against his bare chest. "Hey now," Jake pulled my hair away from my face, running his fingers along it slowly. "Just spit it out Bells, anything's got to be better than this."

It took a moment to calm my agony. I focused on the feel of his finger-tips running through my hair, letting it soothe me enough to finally speak up.

"The day of the fight," I started slowly, barely able to keep my voice from breaking, "the day we . . . kissed. Is it what you had been waiting for? Was it good enough?" Jake's hand dropped from my hair. I glanced over. His face was stunned.

"You dragged me half way across the country for this?" he asked, bewildered.

"Yes," I could barely whisper. "Edward's gone tonight, checking out some honeymoon spot that I'm not allowed to know about. He took Alice with him. He believes you aren't coming back anytime soon. This was the only chance I had. I wanted to . . . clear the air."

"No," Jacob answered stoutly.

"No, what?" I asked, keeping my eyes on the floor. I didn't want to know if he was suddenly going to leave me again.

"No Bella," his voice was softer this time. "It wasn't what I wanted."

"Why?" I asked. This was the real reason I had tracked him down, begged him to come see me. I needed to know how I had failed him. He ran his hand through his chin-length hair, brushing it back.

"I didn't want to have to corner you," he sighed. "I wanted you to _want_ to kiss me. You did, I think, right before I ran off. But it was all wrong. It didn't feel right." I nodded, leaning my head against his shoulder. I needed courage, I needed it more now than ever before.

"Is there anyway to fix it?" I asked, my voice so soft I could barely hear it. Jacob wrapped his arm around me, pulling me closer. His heat radiated through my worn t-shirt.

"No," he said in an equally soft voice. "I gave up, Bells. I promised you I was giving up. I won't be the reason you're cut in half anymore. I'm sorry," his voice was bitter. Tears slipped down my cheeks again, though this time I was able to keep him from noticing immediately.

"There must be a way," my voice wavered. "I can't stand this Jake. I can't stand the pain you're in. I can't stand not having you here." I felt his thumb trace down my wet cheek, pushing the steady stream aside.

"Please, don't cry Bella," he looked horrified. I wiped my other cheek with my hand, taking a deep breath. I had to try. I had promised myself I would _try_ to fix this.

I raised my hand slowly, and gently brushed my fingers along Jake's face. His eyes closed at my touch. I took my chance, and carefully leaned in, pushing my lips firmly against his.

For a few stunned seconds, I thought Jacob was rejecting me. His lips stayed stiffly against mine, and his breathing quickened; for an agonizing moment he made no move to return my kiss. Then, he gently began to move his lips. I felt his huge, hot hand press against my face; his arm wrapped around my back and he slid me closer to him. Our lips stroked against one another in a slow, gentle cadence. His hand drew me in further still, putting more pressure on my mouth. I carefully parted my teeth, and gently ran my tongue over his smoldering, smooth lips. A moment later, he responded, massaging my tongue with long, soft strokes. My breathing quickened with his. I pushed my fingers through his hair, and wrapped my arm around his back, pulling myself as near as I could get. Jake slid his arm underneath my body and moved me smoothly onto his lap. The heat from his chest radiated like fire across my skin. I felt myself meld into him. His hot breath gasped in my ear for a moment, as my lips traced along his strong neck. I could feel him quivering beneath me, but I doubted it had anything to do with shifting. I ran my lips carefully up the side of his throat. He sighed my name softly.

"Third time's a charm," he murmured against my ear, "this is now our official first kiss." Before I could respond, he caught my lips again with his, and the pattern started over. But there was more urgency to it this time. His fingers twined in my hair as he pressed me harder against him. I shifted slightly, giving him more of my weight. He managed a soft groan, even while his mouth was busy against mine. The passion was surprisingly intense, our urgency unexpected to me. I had only ever experienced anything like this with Edward.

His pale face suddenly burst clearly into my mind, and pain wracked through me, mingling discordantly with the heat Jacob was creating. Tears streaked down my cheeks again; I could taste them between us, a bitter, salty reminder of my betrayal. Jacob gently pulled back, his eyes narrowed in concern. His fingers brushed my hair back from face.

"Bella," his voice was trembling with restraint, but his eyes reflected a clear, unfettered agony. It sliced through me like a knife, and now I wasn't sure if I sobbing for him, or my betrayal of Edward, or my own wretched conflict. Maybe it was for all of it. "What about Ed-"

"No," I stroked his bottom lip with my thumb, my insides writhing. "Please, don't say it. This is about you and me Jake. That's it." I had to get control of myself, I couldn't let him know what this was costing me.

I gave myself a few moments to numb against the war waging inside of me. It was less difficult than I thought it would be, maybe because Jacob was holding me securely against his burning skin. I looked at him steadily once more, relieved that he seemed to have drowned some inner demon within himself, too. His eyes were clear, the agony replaced with distinct desire, unlike any I had ever seen on his face. I felt my cheeks grow hot under the scrutiny of his gaze. It was even more surprising when I realized that our passionate kissing had spurred the same feelings in me.

"Do you . . .? he couldn't finish his sentence. I thought about it for a long moment. His fevered skin pressed against mine, dark brown eyes filled with such urgency and longing, my own trembling insides and desires. With the torment under control, I finally allowed my feelings for him to blossom. Yes. It was so obvious. I needed him. I looked steadily into his dark brown eyes, a feeling of security washed over me as I explored their depth. They were warm, and human, and beautiful.

"Yes," I said in a whisper, but with no hesitancy in my voice. As his lips met mine yet again; a feeling washed over me. It was so passionate, I lost my breath, and my heart ached in a way it never had before. This was love; a love so wistful and deep that I was surprised I had kept it hidden from myself for so long.

As the moon broke through the thick clouds outside my window, Jacob and I became a single soul. His skin was silky and hard, his weight comforting, and I was on fire with the intense heat from his body. We were a tangle of gasps and shudders, hot kisses and hotter tears. I was aching on the inside with need for him. We were as close as two people could ever get, and yet, it wasn't enough. I wanted so much more. I had an overwhelming desire to pull his entire being inside of me, draw out his essence and covet it deep within my own. Our passion was unexpected to both of us; I could see the surprise in his furrowed brow, the restraint in his movements as he mastered the impulse for frenzy, the ragged, harsh way his breath drew through his lips. As his hand brushed down my face again, and his eyes locked deeply into mine, I could see that he hadn't been prepared for this, either.

And how was I ever going to separate myself from it? My heart beat steadily with his, and I relished the feeling of its surety, thrumming against my breast bone. The unrelenting nature of his kisses were so deep and satisfying, I felt as though he were drawing the very air from my lungs. _No_, I realized as his mouth covered mine once more, _we_ could never separate ourselves from this. The careful barrier that I had always kept up between us was destroyed; there was no going back. We were two flames intertwined on the same log, as much apart of each other as the clouds and the air. It was so natural, this human act. There was little restraint, no conscious thought of movement or actions - it _was_ as easy as breathing.

I forced my mind to stay in the moment, focusing on the sensation of skin and breath and warmth. This couldn't be a mistake; our souls seemed to know each other, our bodies felt too familiar together. If I had only one thing I could give to Jacob, it had to be this. The one thing Edward had turned down from me, this sacred, human act, given to the only other human who made me doubt my path.

I couldn't guess at how long it lasted. It could have been minutes, or hours, or days. Our coupling was a small slice of infinity; time was meaningless against its awesome intensity. We held each other close, my face buried against his steady, slowly moving chest. I could feel his heartbeat racing where my forehead rested. I was gasping for air, my skin prickled and quivering, but not from cold. It was impossible to feel cold next to Jacob. My body ached, new muscles were now raw and stretched and incredibly sore. Jacob intertwined his fingers in mine, wrapping his arm securely across my waist. Even through my thin nightshirt, his dusky, russet colored skin still burned.

His hand reached out and stroked my cheek again, his big thumb rolling smoothly across it, gently coaxing me to look up. I did, resting my head on my arm. Jacob leaned against his palm, his fingers tracing every inch of my face. We stared at each other for a long moment, the gaze communicating more than words ever could. I lifted myself up and pressed my lips to his, immediately surprised to find that our movements still held an edge of need. He gave me an unbearably soft, gentle kiss before speaking.

"I will never stop loving you Bella Swan," he whispered. His eyes became red and watery. We had expressed too much emotion to each other through our actions. Now, the pain washed over me, mercilessly shredding up my insides. My eyes were swimming with tears as well.

"I will always love you, Jacob Black," I whispered, agony stabbing viciously through my chest. Jake leaned forward and kissed me softly.

"Let me keep you, Bells" he said in a gentle, serious voice. I looked deeply into his eyes. The intense longing I found there cut me through to my very soul. "We can run away together. I can take you anywhere, we don't have to stay down in La Push. If you give me a chance, I will devote myself to you. I'll never look at another woman so long as I live, and I promise, I will be yours, until the day we die, Bella. Just let me keep you." His words brought physical pain, washing me under a fresh layer of guilt; my chest ached. Us, dying together, old and wrinkled, in a tiny house. His lips brushing mine one last time, our hands twined, as we _both_ ventured into the unknown.

I felt the tears running unchecked down my face now. I didn't bother to wipe them. I noticed a few slid down Jacob's as well. "I can make you happy," he kissed my cheeks, one at a time, "if you'd just let me try."

"Jake . . ." my voice cracked, sobs wracked my body. I couldn't get anything else out. He sighed, tears spilling over his eyes, streaming silently down his cheeks. He picked up my hand and gently kissed the tops of my fingers.

"I am here for you Bella, if you change your mind. Think about it," he caught my chin, and forced me to look up at him, "please." I couldn't stand to see that agony in his expression. I nodded mutely, my breath shuddering out of my lungs. He leaned over and kissed me again, softly tracing the lines of my lips with his warm finger. "Thank you, Bella," he murmured. "I didn't deserve this. But you have no idea what it means-," he paused, searching for adequate words, "how _grateful_ I am I got to experience this with you. I will remember it until the day I die."

"I needed you too, Jake," I told him, managing a small smile through the blinding pain that was cracking my heart.

"I know you did," he whispered, his eyes squeezed shut, relishing my words.

He stood, his body leaving behind a horrible, empty, cold. I sat up, moving to the edge of the bed, trying to hold myself together. He started for the window, refusing to look back at me, protecting me from deep hurt that surely haunted his face.

"Jake," I stopped him, my hand stretched out for his retreating form. He turned slowly to look at me. We both saw what could never be, in each others eyes. I felt part of my heart withering up. "Stay with me," I whispered, my voice quivering with a sob, "just for tonight. Be _my _Jacob, please." He brushed away a few stray tears, and nodded slowly.

"Sure, sure," he murmured, the casual phrase coming out all wrong for his expression. Jake caught my waist and gently pulled us back into bed, fanning my quilt securely around us. He laid down next to me, pulling me against his warm body. "At least until dawn breaks," he murmured gently.


	2. Dawn

Dawn came too quickly for me. I wished like crazy I had the power to stop the sun, to keep the moon in place, frozen outside of her bedroom window. But, like being ripped away from a dream, it was creeping up the horizon. I could smell the dew just starting to evaporate outside. I would have to go.

Bella hadn't fallen asleep. She was still laying against me, her chocolate colored eyes staring out at her computer desk, breath slow and steady. My insides were still on fire; I felt more alive than I ever had, like I had raced through the woods all night, only a thousand times better.

I smoothed a kiss on her temple, my fingers steadily stroking through her soft, brown hair. In a thousands years, I never would have imagined this would happen. I wasn't letting myself think about what was going to happen later. Right now, we were laying next to each other. It was more than I would ever let myself hope for.

"I gotta go, Bells," I whispered after a few minutes of listening to the world come back to life outside. She rolled over, her eyes puffy from so much crying, and new tears were forming in the rims. It bothered me, those tears. I suddenly felt like a complete idiot for letting her go through with this. She'd really hate herself, now. Pain welled up in my chest again, watching tears slip down her cheeks. She regretted it, she regretted the best night of my entire life. I clenched my teeth, shame creeping over me. _I should have stopped her._

"You have to go," Bella sighed. I nodded slowly, sweeping my fingers down her cheek.

"Yeah, I better go talk to Sam before he hunts me down." No doubt, he would have a few words for me, staying out all night in human form, unconnected from the pack. I wanted more than anything to just stay right there, to try and soothe her agony, maybe make her breakfast or something, but I couldn't.

I let myself drink in her features, knowing that I'd be gone from her side for good, after this. Laying there next to her, it hit me like a bullet. All those stupid little things I'd never get to do with her, those tiny moments that make up a real relationship. I could never have any of it. True, I had gotten something no one else could ever claim, and I knew I should feel honored. But I'd trade it away in a second, if I could just see her everyday, or watch bright, hot sunlight wash over her face, or make her smile, hear her laugh. I'd trade the last three hours just to have her klutzing around in the garage with me, drinking warm sodas, like we use to. And I'd give anything, _anything_, to be by her side as we grew up. _It's not gonna happen_, my voice was harsh as the words echoed through my mind. No, it wasn't. I needed to go.

"You gonna be okay, Bells?" I asked as I gently moved around her and stood up. Light hadn't broken the horizon yet, but it would, any minute now.

"Yes," she sounded unemotional. No doubt she was already ripping herself apart. It was so frustrating to watch her just laying there, eyes watering, a deadpan stare directed at the wall behind me. It made me feel like a jerk for being happy at all. I had just made a deeper connection with Bella than I had ever dreamed possible. Sure, I'd fantasized about it, a lot, especially after her stupid bloodsucker came back into town. But the experience had been _so _much better, so overwhelming, compared to anything I had ever thought up. She had felt it too, I knew she had, it couldn't just be me. Her expression, and her movements . . . no, I couldn't be the only one. Now, she hated herself for it. I could see it in her eyes, and in that tiny frown she wore when she was worried. I shook my head a few times. _Should have stopped her_, I growled at myself again.

"Come here," I held out my hand. Bella allowed me to pull her up off the bed. She stood in front of me, her eyes lowered. "Don't do this to yourself, Bella."

"Do what?" Her gaze wouldn't meet mine. I cupped her chin and gently pushed it up, slouching a bit so I could look directly at her.

"Don't beat yourself up over this," I murmured. "This was _my_ fault Bella, not yours. I should never have come here."

"Do you regret it?" She looked up at me in horror.

"No!" My voice was sharp, disbelieving. I worked to get it under control. "Are you kidding me, Bells? That was . . ." I sighed, my mind reliving the night. "That was _amazing. _But look at you, I should have never let you go through with it."

"I wanted to," her voice, at least, sounded stronger, even if her eyes still betrayed the guilt she was feeling.

"Don't think for a second that that wasn't the most incredible night of my life," I brushed her hair back. "Nothing, _nothing_, is ever going to top that for me." She nodded slowly.

"I'll miss you, Jake," the tears were back. I gathered Bella up in my arms and held her against me.

"Not as much as I'll miss you, Bells," I whispered. I sucked up my own tears, not wanting to make anything worse for her. It hurt like _hell_, letting her go. Maybe this had been a bad idea, for both of us. I noticed the first detectable rays of dawn just visible through the smoky gray sky. In the other room, I could clearly hear Charlie getting up. "I gotta go," I whispered, fighting to keep my voice from breaking. "Honey, I gotta go." I gently disengaged her arms, which were clasped hard against my bare skin. She was sobbing again. I was about start, too. I planted a kiss on her forehead and dove through her window before she could see me break. Even as I bolted from the yard, I could hear her submitting to her sorrow.

The pavement rushed underneath my bare feet. Running on two legs wasn't even remotely satisfying, not when I had the option of immeasurable speed and acute senses just waiting to be unleashed. But I couldn't risk it right now; I had no idea if my pack was out, but at least a few of them had to be. I wasn't ready to face them yet.

My feet carried me automatically through the familiar trees. I knew every inch of the forests around here, especially the ones near Bella's house. My chest was wracking with torrents of grief. _Damn it, damn it, damn it,_ I chanted in my head. _Stupid, stupid, stupid_. How in the hell was I suppose to know it would hurt this bad? It felt like part of me was dying, somewhere inside. It was a slow, clawing thing that wouldn't relent. I wanted to get further from the main road before I really freaked out. I let my feet carry me along for a few miles, listening to their steady pace to try and sooth the ache. It didn't do a damn thing. I slowed down, recognizing the area to be about five miles from Forks. As good a place as any.

I let the emotional tide take me under, drowning myself in the sorrow and grief, bludgeoning my mind for my own, utter stupidity. My knees met the ground, sinking into the soft, earthy mud. I tore my fingers through my hair, tears now running freely down my face. _Screw it, no one is around to see me, _I reminded myself before any shame could come. I let sobbed for a bit, pulling up tufts of grass around me. There was nothing I could do now, except let this run its course, and hope that this was the worst of it. It was payment, really. I had gone to her, even though I'd known I shouldn't have, I had done it anyway. How could I refuse her, especially when she really wanted to see me? But I should have, I should have just blown it all off, because now, half of me was dying, as surely as the sun sets, my soul was being torn to shreds. And I wasn't even sure I cared. _Idiot!_ _Like she'd ever gonna pick you, like_ _she ever could! That was just her guilt at causing you to leave home. That was just her way of trying to make amends. You'll never be good enough, not for her._ A hot rage struck me, like a leaden hammer bashing at my chest. I was on my feet in an instant, feeling my skin quiver with heat. I forced it away; shifting would be an even stupider idea right now. Instead, I raced to a narrow pine and began throwing my fists into it, relishing the pain, as bitter, ragged screams punctuating each blow. _Idiot, idiot idiot!_ My voice echoed through my head as chunks of wood splintered beneath my knuckles. The tree didn't hold up long. As my mind retraced the finer points of last night, the trunk shattered under my fists, sending the pine flying through the air, landing with a loud scrapping sound a few feet away. My rage was spent, for now at least. I went to the downed tree and sat myself heavily there. The tears were slowing, but I knew the pain was far from over.

I had promised myself that this wouldn't happen. That day, a few years ago, when she had bolted on me to go to Italy, to save her precious bloodsucker, I had vowed I'd never let her get close enough to hurt me again. Because she was completely blinded by that _creature_, and he coveted her like a rare jewel. I had really screwed up, now. I had shared something with her that had the power to kill me, or make me kill myself. I had given her everything last night, and received nothing, nothing but memories that would haunt me to the grave. What really burned me, was I felt it shouldn't have to be this way. Even though everything Bella had ever done pointed to the contrary, I was sure, _so sure_, that she was meant for _me_.

_Which is why she's sobbing her eyes right now_, my scathing voice interjected. _Because of you._ I wiped my palms across my cheeks, probably smearing mud all over my face. I wasn't bothered enough to care. The clouds where bearing down heavily. I could smell rain in the upper atmosphere - it would be here soon. But that didn't really bother me either.

_Shoulda never come back_, I chided myself, taking a small hair tie off my wrist and gathering up my black curtain in a short tail. _You're a freakin' idiot, kid._ Yeah, I was.

I sat still for a few moments, just as small droplets began plummeting towards the trees. Had it been worth it? That was the part I didn't want to think about yet, but I knew I had to. Bella hated herself now, but she still had seemed sorry that I had to leave. Maybe this had made her more conflicted? That could be a good thing, I supposed, but then I shook my head. Who was I kidding? It wouldn't make a damn bit of difference, she was as good as gone when her precious bloodsucker got home. But _why_ then? Why had she chosen to be so intimate with me? Didn't that sort of scream conflicting emotions? Was there _any_ possibility that she loved me more than I had thought? Even if it was half as much as I loved her?

I remembered back to the day of the fight. She had told me that she loved me then. But my instincts wouldn't really let me believe her. And I had been right; it wasn't enough, not for her. Was this the same thing all over again? Was I still not enough for her? Part of me really wanted to go ask. Knock on her front door and _demand_ to know why I wasn't good enough to be hers. A bitter swell of resentment bubbled in my chest. Compared to her precious _Edward_, I was nothing. So why had she agreed to sleep with me? Had she just used me? I rolled the idea around in my head, but quickly dismissed it. That wasn't something Bella could do. Sure, she ended up hurting me every damn time I saw her, but it wasn't on purpose. I knew she wasn't capable of consciously using anyone.

I was calming down enough to realize I was completely soaked. The morning had gotten late, passing in my many hours of brooding. I couldn't have her, and that was that. I slowly stood up, and made myself recall every agonizing detail of our night, memorizing it until I was almost experiencing it again. This was all I had now. I would keep it close to me, and maybe someday, I'd be grateful for the sacrifice she had made, instead of just resentful that it was all I would ever get.

I stretched my stiff muscles. The pain was still there, just underneath the surface, waiting to lash back out at me. For the time being, though, I was in control. I could be okay, for a little while. I stripped, and rolled up my ratty cutoffs. Time to get the hell out of here. I felt something swell in my chest, with a heat as intense as the sun. With practiced ease, I took a hold of the feeling, and let it exploded through me. My body quivered, skin shivering as my hands bunched into paws, and fur erupted along my length. I lifted my snout to the wet air and let a howl rip through my chest, relishing in the feeling of being reduced to power and instinct once more. The forest sped past me as I sprinted through the trees, my muscles loose and relaxed.

_Jacob,_ I heard Sam's voice resonate through my head. _Where have you been?_

_Thinking,_ I replied. I knew that in next to no time, the entire pack would know exactly where I had spent my night. There was no way to avoid it.

_You coming home?_ A new voice, an exuberant, excitable one, entered my mind.

_On my way now, Seth,_ I assured him. Inwardly, I was cringing. I wasn't at all comfortable with that kid knowing what I had been up to, not that other pack mates could keep their intimacy hidden from the younger ones. But it was still humiliating to realize he'd know soon. Luckily, Sam picked up on it first.

_We need some privacy Seth, go home._ It was a command, bearing the heavy weight of alpha. I felt Seth leave. Sam's voice was back, this time, scathing.

_What the hell where you thinking, Jake?_ He demanded. I felt my ears flatten against my skull. I would have given anything to avoid this conversation.

_I wasn't_, I muttered, jumping over a series of fallen logs. La Push was close now, I could smell the change in the air, the detectable traces of Sam and other familiar people.

_You damn well didn't_, Sam raged. _Do you have any idea what you've done?_

_Yeah,_ I growled, the pain taking center stage once more. _I know exactly what I just did, Sam._ There was a pause.

_I guess you do_, he said begrudgingly. _But it's worse than that, Jake. You could bring a war right down on our heads. _

_Huh? _I was genuinely confused.

_If he ever finds out, he'll probably try to kill you. And the rest of his family will be here with him. _Even in wolf form, I managed to roll my eyes.

_I don't think that's something Bella's gonna rush to tell him_, I replied. But then, I felt a sudden pang of worry. I wasn't actually sure what she would do. She had told him when we had kissed. Would she feel obligated to admit this, too? It was much, much bigger than a kiss. Edward would be pissed, (with good reason, I had to admit), but she'd think it was the right thing to do. I grimaced; in fact, it was a totally Bella thing to do. Damn.

_Exactly_, Sam growled. _You're an idiot, Jacob Black._

_Don't I know it? _I retorted.

The reservation was just past the tree line now. I shifted back and threw my cut offs back on. No doubt Sam would be waiting to shout at me some more in person. I jogged out of the woods, hitting the uneven dirt road that led towards my house.

"Son!" My father was sitting on his wheel chair ramp, waving. I threw my hand in the air, pushing myself into a run. It seemed as though he had been waiting for me. No doubt, one of the pack had alerted him that I would be coming home soon. "Come 'ere," he pulled me into a tight hug. "I'm so glad you're home."

"Me too," I admitted, hugging him back. "Got any food?" He chuckled, wheeling himself around so he could get back up to the door.

"I think I can scrounge something up," he admitted. I had been on a raw diet for weeks. It kept me from starving, but it was a really disgusting way to eat. The idea of real food pushed almost every other thought from my mind. I was quick to follow him through the narrow door of our small, squat house.

Two dozen eggs, a package of bacon, and an entire tray of biscuits later, I pushed away from our small, round table, patting my stomach. I had probably eaten way more than I actually needed to, but it was so good tasting after weeks of raw meat, I couldn't help it.

"Where have you been, son?" Billy asked, as I grabbed our plates and dropped them in the sink. I leaned against my palms, my back turned to him.

"You know where, dad," I frowned.

"Last night," Billy prompted. I felt my face flush. No way Sam could have told him that fast.

"I was thinking," I muttered, brushing my hair out of my eyes.

"Are you staying?" He sounded dejected. It made me cringe. My inability to handle life made his more difficult too, and that wasn't fair.

"For awhile," I nodded. I could promise him that much, at least. I heard a smile in his voice,

"Good."

"I was up all night," I turned and faced him again, "I think I'm gonna go crash out."

"Sure, sure," he smiled. "There's a Lakers game on anyway."

"Go Lakers," I said sarcastically, before carefully wending around our narrow kitchen to head to my room.

Everything was exactly as I had left it. Half of my sheets where hanging off of my small mattress, evidence from a handful of restless nights, and a pile of dirty laundry sat untouched in the corner. I closed the flimsy, wooden door. I didn't lay down. Instead, I changed my clothes and threw on a pair of sneakers. There was no way I could sleep. Sam had made me realize that there were definitely going to be consequences for what Bella and I had done. If she told him, no, _when_ she told him, he'd be here, wanting a piece of me. I wasn't actually worried he'd hurt her. Even though I despised Edward, the bloodsucker wouldn't do something like that. But I was hoping, after she gave him the gory details, maybe I'd finally get that fight I'd been waiting for since I first laid eyes on the pale freak. The thought made me smile. I probably could really use some sleep, but I didn't know when he was suppose to be home. I was way too edgy for rest.

I pulled myself easily out of my narrow bedroom window, heading around the back of the house so my dad wouldn't spot me from the living room. I was thinking of tinkering around in the garage; it had been ages since I had worked on anything.

As soon as I set foot into my jury rigged work space, I knew it was a big mistake. My motorcycle stood next to hers on the far right, both dusty from disuse. She had begged her dad to let me keep it, so I could sell it off and earn some cash for the work I did. Of course, I hadn't. It would be like selling a piece of her. I couldn't let it go. My '94 Rabbit sat towards the back, covered in case the rain leaked through. I could name every place Bella had ever sat, every tool she had ever handed me. And her smiles, and quiet laughter, and our rambling conversations - they echoed all around, haunting me. No, I couldn't stay here.

I turned to leave, but someone was blocking the door. Sam glared at me, arms crossed. At least he'd let me and my dad eat breakfast in peace before barging in. No doubt, he had heard my footsteps and knew I was in here.

"We need to talk," he said shortly, his eyes narrowed. I shoved past him, anxious to get out of the garage. He was right beside me, following my aimless path in the direction of the beach.

"About what?" I finally asked, my voice bitter.

"About you," he put his hand on my shoulder to stop me. I resisted the overwhelming urge to sock him in the eye. Sam really got under my skin sometimes.

"What about me?" I faced him, towering well above his head.

"What are you going to do now?" He kept his tone carefully calm. I bunched and released my muscles a few times, willing my anger away. This wasn't his fault.

"I'm here," I said when I could manage. "I'm back home, at least until Bella tells Edward." And runs right back into his cold, dead arms, I thought scathingly.

"And then what?" he demanded.

"What do you care?" I retorted.

"I need to know if I can depend on you, Jake. You're my second, damn it. Having you run off without any warning disrupts the pack."

"This is about the pack?" I raised my eyebrows, walking forward again. "I figured you were here to chew me out some more about sleeping with a taken woman."

"That's between you and Bella," Sam answered swiftly. "And I've got no right saying anything, nor does anyone else. If it brings a fight, we'll be ready. That's all we can do." I stopped, looking back at him.

"I'm sorry I ran off," I said after a few minutes of silence. "I needed to get the hell out of here."

"I know," Sam nodded, "I know better than you could imagine, Black." Of course, right after he'd imprinted on Emily, he'd gone wild for almost a month. I had forgotten that. "You really think she'll do it?" he asked, hesitantly. I heaved a sigh,

"Yeah."

"Then we need to be ready, Jake." He closed the distance between us, and put his hand on my shoulder again. It didn't enrage me this time. "I want you to get some sleep. We'll let you know if anything happens. We need you to be on top of your game." I bit my lip, and shook my head.

"I can't sleep Sam," I admitted. "How the hell could anyone? After . . ." I swallowed the rest of my words.

"Try," he squeezed my shoulder. I watched him run back towards his house, probably to call a meeting. He hadn't ordered me to sleep, but I knew he was right. Dejected, I turned on my heel and headed back to my bedroom window.


	3. Confliction

Edward was suppose to be home tomorrow. I had spent most of the day sobbing quietly into my pillows, the agony unrelenting. Charlie had gone out fishing, luckily, but no doubt he would be home in time for supper. I was an absolute mess.

It wasn't guilt, or shame that kept my tear ducts full. It was the startling realization that I might have been wrong this entire time. What made it unbearable was that I _couldn't_ feel guilty over what we had done. And the stark realization that I was an absolutely horrible person pounded into me over and over again. I had never felt so bitterly depressed, not even when _he_ had left me, almost two years ago.

I looked at the alarm clock on my bedside. It was creeping on to three in the afternoon. I hadn't slept at all, of course. In the twilight hours of dawn, with Jake's body laying so securely against mine, I hadn't wanted too. I wasn't going to miss one second of being next to him. Of course, I had ruined it for both of us, by determinedly trying to force myself to feel anything other than contentment.

I sat up, smoothing my rat's nest hair as best I could. My eyes were raw and swollen, my throat ached, but as I slowly got to my feet, there was another, more pressing pain. My inner thighs where throbbing, sending raw stings up my body when I moved. Worse, was a strange muscle ache between my legs, evidence of the unforgivable betrayal.

I stripped my sheets off of my bed, wadding them up in my arms. I wasn't sure if washing them would help, but I decided it couldn't hurt. I was terrified Edward would somehow be able to detect what had taken place here. I still hadn't made up my mind on what I was going to do about that yet. I knew the absolute right thing to do, would be to tell him, and let him decided what happened next. The knowledge of how badly it would hurt him, though, brought out the worst kind of coward in me. Maybe it would be easier to just carry on as if nothing had happened, and hope he wouldn't notice on our wedding night. I carried the sheets off to the washer, deeply disturbed by my thoughts.

After I had started the cycle for my bedding, I grabbed my bag of toiletries and shut myself into the bathroom. I looked about as bad as I felt. My pale skin was flushed like I had some sort of rash, my eyes were too bright, the skin beneath them a mix of dark circles from lack-of-sleep, and pinkish red from the onslaught of tears. I spun the taps on and waited for the water to warm up, pulling a brush through my tangled hair. It took awhile to smooth it; parts of it where matted from hours of crying. I finally managed to make it look more presentable, though my scalp ached when I was done. The hot water heater finally granted the taps a temperature other than freezing, and I set to scrubbing my face, trying to remove all evidence of my long, sleepless night of crying. After brushing my teeth, I chanced another glance into the mirror. My eyes were still too bright, seeming over-excited, and I didn't really look any better, but I _felt_ a little more human, again. I gathered up my toiletries and tossed the bag back into my room.

The washer was thrashing back and forth in the hallway, making a bid for freedom, I supposed. Frustrated, I threw open the lid and rearranged my bedding, slamming it shut. It was an ancient machine, probably old when Charlie had first bought it for him and Renee. I listened as it glugged and gurgled back to life, heading downstairs.

The kitchen was dim, with the murky rainfall outside allowing no hint of the sunlight. I switched on the overhead and pulled open the fridge. Charlie obviously hadn't been shopping in awhile. I felt a little guilty, noting the stacks of pizza boxes crammed into the bottom. I had been so preoccupied with wedding plans, (or, more accurately, with Alice dragging me through _my_ wedding plans), that I had stopped a lot of my normal chores, like keeping food in the house. I managed to cobble together enough ingredients for a hamburger pie, and set to frying the meat, the familiar sound soothing my frayed nerves.

Cooking wasn't quite enough to distract me from my problems, though. As I slowly browned and seasoned the ground beef, my mind darted around anxiously. I knew I had a serious problem, and it was much bigger than cheating on Edward. Because after what Jacob and I had done, I realized that my future wasn't a clear-cut choice anymore. I loved them both, equally. I cringed, stabbing the spatula through the cooking beef to break up its mass. _This_ wasn't suppose to happen. My mind spun through all the possible scenarios and outcomes of what might happen next, but I couldn't seem to decide the best course. I slid the frying pan off the burner and carefully drained the grease into an aluminum coffee can that I kept on the window sill. My hands acted of their own accord, chopping vegetables and buttering a casserole dish. My fingers flipped the dial on the paisley colored stove, setting it to preheat. I noticed my foot tapping as it slowly started to warm up.

Moving forward, like none of this had ever happened, wasn't possible. Whether I liked it or not, Jake was now an equal contender, and I couldn't stand hurting him again. But then, there was Edward. I shook my head. I had made a decision last night, a concrete choice to be with Jacob. It wouldn't be right, or fair of me to carry on with my plans as though that had never happened. He had to be told.

I took a deep, shaky breath and leaned against the counter. That was all there was to it. I couldn't just go off and marry Edward without him knowing, it wouldn't be fair to him. He had waited almost a hundred years to find me, to properly court me, and then, to propose to me. I had betrayed him, in the worst way possible, by not saving myself for him. No, I _had_ to tell him. I loved him too much to lie to him about something this important.

I was slightly calmer as I added the ingredients into the casserole dish, and poured the batter on top. The hardest part for me was making the decision. _Always. _Once that was out of the way, I just had to follow through. Of course, I wasn't kidding myself, either. I had a pretty good idea of how Edward would take it. We would be finished; there was absolutely no way he could forgive me for this. The thought caused that old hole in my chest to burst open again. I gasped, taken aback by the sudden pain, and wrapped my arms around my middle, slowly sinking to my knees. _That's it_, my body shuddered. _That's the outcome of this._ I let myself stay on the floor for awhile, jagged, painful breaths heaving in and out of my lungs. Yes, it hurt far worse than I remembered. I would loose Edward. I _deserved_ to loose Edward. There wasn't any other option.

I slowly picked myself up, trying to breathe. I knew Jacob would take me as I was, with pieces missing and broken bits that couldn't be replaced. He would stay by me through this, and that thought was surprisingly comforting. Because, they really were equal to me, now. I could live with not having one of them, but never without either of them. Of course, being stupid, selfish me, I wished there was a way to keep _both _of them in my life. I grimaced as I cracked the oven door open and peeked at my casserole. Edward could do better. I had always known he could do better. _Maybe this was meant to be_, I reasoned. The edges of the hole burned, clearly disagreeing.

About fifteen minutes after I had set the casserole out to cool, I heard the front door open.

"Bella?" Charlie called. I heard him taking off his boots and setting his tackle down next to the door.

"Here dad," I replied.

"Something smells great," he said, coming around to the kitchen. "You made dinner?" I felt myself blush slightly. I really _had_ let the house go.

"Yeah, I thought maybe you were tired of pizza," I replied, setting the hamburger pie on the table.

"I guess I was," he smiled. "How was your day? You look tired, kid."

"I didn't get a lot of sleep," I forced myself to sound casual.

"Cold feet?" his voice sounded hopeful. I swung open the fridge and grabbed both of us a glass of milk, setting them down on the table.

"I guess you could say that," I replied slowly, sinking into a chair across from him. I sliced the casserole and added it to both of our plates, picking up my fork. I _really_ wasn't hungry. Charlie started digging in.

"That's pretty normal," he said. "You know, you're really too young to be getting married, Bells. If it weren't a few months away, I'd be trying to talk you out of it, still." I felt a lump raise in my throat, and tried to wash it down with some milk. Of course, I couldn't tell him that I was pretty sure the wedding was off now.

"I know," I took a tiny bite of my food, casting about for something to say. "How was fishing?"

"Awful," Charlie sighed. "Didn't catch a single one."

"Well, we still have at least ten pounds in the freezer," I tried to smile, "I think you'll survive the winter."

"Hopefully," Charlie grinned, and then fell silent, focusing on his meal. I nibbled at mine a little, eventually managing to get most of it down. Charlie was already through his third piece before I was done with my first.

"That was good, thanks," Charlie stood up and started clearing the plates.

"I can get that, dad," I protested.

"No, no, you don't need to baby me," he muttered, taking our dishes to the sink. "Why don't you try to take a nap or something? You look terrible."

"Sure," I nodded slowly.

On my way to my room, I switched the wash over to the dryer, putting it on a high setting to get it done more quickly. I decided to check my email, in case Renee had sent me another novel-sized message. I flipped on the ancient PC and sat there, drumming my fingers, waiting for it to boot up. I heard a knock on the front door from downstairs, and Charlie's heavy footsteps as he went to answer it.

"Bella!" He called a moment later, "Jacob's here!" I groaned, rubbing my forehead. _Of course he's here_. I didn't detect a single noise on the stairs, but a few seconds later there was a soft tap on my door. It was already partially open.

"Hey," Jake walked in. He had changed into a pair of baggy shorts and a sleeveless shirt. Obviously, he had known Charlie was going to be home. I watched him stick his head out the door, glancing around, before silently closing it. "Lucky basketball's on," he murmured. "Bells, we need to talk."

My ancient computer had finally warmed up. I ignored the screen, swiveling around in my chair to face Jacob as he sat on the edge of my bed. "Doing some cleaning?" he raised an eyebrow at my bare mattress. I bit my lip,

"Yeah," I replied softly.

"Thinking it might get rid of my scent?" he guessed. I couldn't answer, so I slowly nodded instead. "Look," he brushed back his hair, "I'm sorry. Last night . . . that was a really stupid thing for me to do, I should have walked away." I gaped a moment, then frowned.

"You're sorry?" I repeated slowly. _This_ wasn't what I had been expecting.

"Yeah," he was up now, pacing across the wooden floor. "I should never have let you . . . you know, do that. I should have stopped it."

"Jake," I started at once, catching his arm as he went past. "Stop." He slowly turned, looking down at me. "I _wanted_ to, Jake."

"But you hate yourself for it," he retorted, a bitter edge to his voice.

"Is _that _what you think?" I demanded.

"You do," he shook his head. "It's all over your face, Bells. You regret it."

"No," I said, "I don't. The only thing I regret is not feeling guilty about it." Now it was Jake's turn to look stunned.

"Seriously?" his voice was hoarse, disbelieving.

"Yeah," I said softly, my forehead creasing. "I can't feel bad about what we did. I just despise myself for betraying . . . _him._" The hole burned in my chest, I wrapped my arms around it, trying to make it stop. Jake looked down at me with concern, no doubt he noticed the old habit, and probably knew what it meant.

"This is hurting you," his voice was soft, edged with grief. "Don't tell him, Bella." I looked up, my face stark with disbelief. His eyes held a deep sorrow. "Go, get married. We'll act like none of this ever happened." I felt a different kind of pain start to tear through me, a hotter, brighter feeling that burned.

"That isn't fair, to either of you," I replied, taking a deep breath to try and quell the upheaval. "I made a choice Jake, don't try and protect me from it. He has a right to know."

"You know, he'll come after me," he growled, eyes alight with a dangerous glee. "He'll start something because of this." I started, realizing he was right. Jake was always looking for an excuse to fight Edward. I couldn't let that happen.

"Then I won't tell him," I muttered, shaking my head. "I won't let either of you hurt each other over this."

"No," Jake knelt in front of me, pushing a strand of hair from my eyes. His tone had gone back to being soft. "I don't care about that, Bella. I can take him," he sounded very sure of himself. "But I'm worried about you, honey. He'll leave you again, won't he?" I bit my lip and nodded, trying in vain to hide the fresh tears in my eyes. "Then, don't tell him." His voice was surprisingly gentle.

I looked into his dark brown eyes, and saw how serious he was. This was a different Jake then the one I was use to. It was a more mature, responsible Jake. I could see the tribal chief in him, the sort of man who could lead his people, or his pack. He was still a warrior, of course, but now it seemed he'd sacrifice anything for me. It was utterly different then the the angsty, bitter teenager who seemed out to manipulate me, just a few a months ago. I wondered when this change had occurred.

The tears broke through, riddling my cheeks with wet trails. He sighed, his forehead crumpled, and slowly pushed them away with his warm fingers.

"Seriously, Bells," his voice was a soft whisper, "don't do this to yourself. I just want you to be happy."

"It's so complicated now," I murmured, sniffling, "it isn't like before, Jake. I don't know who I'd be happier with, anymore." Jake sat back on his heels, his expression clearing.

"Really?" he asked. I could only manage to nod again. "Because of last night?" Another nod. He shook his head slowly. "Wow," he sighed.

"I know," I moaned, trying to mop up my cheeks with the sleeves of my sweater. Jake cupped my face in his hand, smoothing away a few tears with his thumb. I was trapped by the magnetism of his gaze.

"I'm not going to leave you, Bella," he said gently. "Doesn't matter what happens from now on. I helped put you in this position, and I'm going to stick with you. Whether you chose me, or him." I gave him a small, watery smile.

"I know you will, Jacob," I whispered. It seemed only natural when he leaned forward and softly kissed my lips, his skin burning across mine. I welcomed his touch, and again, was unable to feel properly guilty about it. It was a very sweet, very brief kiss that left my lips tingling. My heart began racing in my chest, all the sensations from last night came rushing back into me, and I found it hard to breathe. If Jake was feeling anything like that, he wasn't showing it. He did cock his head to the side for a moment, and flash a mischievous sort of grin at me. I felt a blush creeping along my face. He could hear my heart, of course. He suddenly looked a little more serious.

"When is he coming home?" he asked me.

"Tomorrow, but maybe early in the morning," I said softly.

"I can be here, if you want."

"No," I sighed, "that will just make everything worse."

"You know I'm going to be close, either way," he replied. I nodded. I had expected as much. He slid his hand under mine, working his thumb in a slow, soothing circle across the back of it. When I caught his eye, I noticed he was studying me. "You're exhausted," he said.

"I am," I murmured. No point in trying to hide it.

"Well, it sounds like your sheets are done." He could hear that the dryer had stopped down the hall, something I normally had to poke my head out the door to check. "I'll help you make your bed. I think you should crash early tonight." I wanted to tell him no, to insist that I needed to stay up and spend as much time as possible with him, but a wave of exhaustion made me hold my tongue. I _really_ needed sleep.

Jacob hauled my bedding back into my room for me, setting all but the bottom sheet on the edge of my desk. I got up and helped him wrestle it back onto the mattress. When we were done, I stretched out with a sigh, exhaustion pulling at me.

"That was kinda stupid of me," Jake carefully laid next to me, curling his arm under his head. "I shouldn't have touched it, it made all that washing you did pointless." I closed my eyes and nodded, knowing he was right. I also didn't seem to care much at that moment. I was so sleepy, and my bedding was still warm from the dryer. Jake was gently stroking my hair with his fingers, his body adding to the cozy heat. I laid very still, listening to the rain beating on the roof, letting the monotonous noise relax me. Before I realized it, I was deeply asleep.


	4. Confrontation

A small, unfamiliar bubble of warmth grew in my chest, as I looked down at her sleeping form. Her breathing was slow and natural, with her soft brown hair framing her face like a tawny crown. I liked how peaceful she seemed now, her features smooth, without any worry lines, her eyes gently closed, without tears in them. Her soft pale lips were parted, and quiet breaths flowed through them. She looked even more beautiful to me, somehow.

I glanced over at her alarm clock. It was barely seven. I had managed to get a decent amount of sleep earlier. When Sam had informed me that nothing was happening yet, I had gotten edgy again. Not only was I unsure of when the bloodsucker and his weird sister were getting home, but I had been forced to relive the entire, intimate scene between us, in my dreams, over and over again. I was a complete mess. The idea of Bella sitting alone in her room, crying her eyes out because she had given herself to me . . . I couldn't stand it. I had immediately decided to drive down, relieved to see her driveway was still Volvo-free. As I had wound my Rabbit through the watery streets, I made a very hard choice; I was going to let her off the hook. I bit my lip, looking back down at her peaceful face. She didn't _want_ to be let off the hook. I had been prepared to let her go, to give her anything she wanted, if it would just let her smile again.

Gently, so I wouldn't wake her, I eased off of the bed. With a quick movement, I slid the blankets out from under her and let them fall across her sleeping form. She sighed softly, rolling over. I felt that same bubble of warmth. I couldn't be in here like this, though. Charlie was still downstairs, watching the game, from what I could hear. It was difficult, leaving her again, because I had no idea when I might get more time like this, but it was the right thing to do.

I padded down the stairs, being careful to actually make noise, so I wouldn't spook Charlie. He turned as I entered the living room.

"Heading out?" he asked, eyes fixing back on the screen. "Aw, damn it." A player missed a free throw.

"Yeah," I replied. "She totally crashed out."

"She looked pretty tired," Charlie sighed. Commercials suddenly blared from the TV. He casually lifted his remote and turned it down. "So, what have you been up to, kid?" I smirked slightly, easing myself down on the sofa.

"Same old, same old," I replied.

"I haven't seen you in awhile. Billy said you had gone out of town or something."

"Yep," I kept my face passive, "needed to get out of La Push for awhile, you know?"

"Cause of the wedding," Charlie guessed, never taking his eyes off the flatscreen.

"Yeah," I nodded. I knew I didn't need to explain myself to him.

"Next time," he cast me a sideways glance, "you should do me a favor, and take me with you." I let out a short, barking laugh. "No, seriously," he nodded his head towards Bella's room. "This whole marriage thing is going to be the death of me. I can't believe she's actually going through with it."

"Me either," I shook my head. Charlie heaved a sigh, grimacing.

"Well, there's leftovers in the fridge, if you're hungry," he said, flicking the volume to the TV back up as the game returned.

"Thanks," I stood, "but I should probably take off. My old man's missed me. I really need to go spend some time with him."

"Okay," he nodded, "don't be a stranger now, kid."

"Alright Charlie," I headed out the front door.

I didn't go home. Instead, I started up my car and drove it about halfway back to the reservation. There was a little fishing hole just off the road that only the locals knew about. The parking lot for the trail was completely empty. I ditched my Rabbit, and most of my clothes, piling them up in the back seat. I wanted to go keep an eye on Bella's place. An idea had hit me, while I was talking to Charlie.

Night fell quicker than I would have expected. I watched twilight quickly disperse in the darkness, the clouds overhead completely blocking the moon. I was in the thick of some trees just behind Bella's yard, waiting patiently. The night wore on. I eventually stood, stretching my stiff muscles, and started to pace. The pack was out tonight, I could hear them reporting perimeter runs back to Sam. I had told him about my plan, and he wasn't exactly thrilled, but he saw why I had decided to do it. That was all the permission I needed.

The wind shifted. I snorted a few times, my sensitive wolf-nose burning. He was running out of the west now, that acrid, sickly sweet smell proceeding him by a few miles. He'd be here any minute. _Show time._

_Hey,_ I thought loudly, as the bloodsucker neared the house.

"Jake?" Edward's strange, melodious voice floated through the evening gloom.

_No, it's the queen of England_, I scoffed. _We need to talk._ I kept very, very careful control of my thoughts, merely imaging Bella, on one of those rare sunny days when we had been out hiking together. The leech was next to me in a second. I bolted for a deeper part of the woods, knowing he was easily following. _Here goes nothing_.

We stopped in a small, make-shift clearing a few miles away. I sat on the ground, breathing through my mouth so I wouldn't have to inhale snoutfuls of his burning, icy scent.

"What's this all about?' Edward asked me carefully, his eyes narrowing. Well, if he wanted to fight me, we were far enough away that neither Bella nor Charlie would hear it. Heaving a sigh, I released control of my thoughts, letting them flow out of me like a swiftly moving river. My eyes never left the bloodsucker. His face went from calm, to enraged, and finally settled on a mixture of anguish and hatred. He glared at me, the expression was so powerful that I took an involuntary step back. The dude could be completely creepy, when he really wanted. His fists where balled, and I braced myself, my hind legs ready to pounce. I was ready to take him down.

He surprised me, his arm flying wide and shattering a massive, moss covered tree on the left. A hoarse scream erupted from between his lips. A sizable boulder, just visible from the ground, was easily shattered by his ghostly fingers. I waited for him to turn some of that hatred on me, my muscles tense. He continued pummeling trees, sending the ancients sentinels plowing to the green ground. Finally he turned on me. If he was able to cry, I was pretty sure he'd be doing it right about now. His face was crumpled with deep anguish, the emotion almost beyond my ability to imagine.

"Why?" his voice was ragged, pleading. I swallowed. Go figure, he'd be all freaking noble about this, and make me feel like an even bigger jerk.

_I don't know,_ I said after a minute. _It wasn't right, though. _He was gasping, almost sobbing, as he stumbled across the ground and finally collapsed underneath one of the only trees he hadn't destroyed. He was mumbling, so softly, even I had trouble making it out. But eventually I caught it. He was chanting Bella's name, over and over again, each syllable was laced with sorrow. I whined, uncomfortable. What the hell was I suppose to do now? I expected a fight, not to have to hold his hand while he cried. My thoughts where obviously heard, because the leech looked right at me, his eyes burning with hatred.

"I wish I could just kill you," he whispered.

_Let's do it then_, I steeled myself to attack.

"I can't," he replied bitterly. "That would hurt her. She chose you, after all." He suddenly stood up with blurring quickness.

_Wait_, I wished all to hell I didn't feel so obligated to stop him. _She still wants you. It was just a lapse in judgment. _

"Really?" he sneered, his normal, even-temperament seemed utterly lost now. "It _looked_ like it was just a lapse in judgment." I cringed. Nothing about what we had done was an accident, he was right. It had been a spontaneous act of intense passion. I watched him flex his fingers a few times, taking deep breaths.

_What are you going to do?_ I finally asked, watching him pace in front of me.

"I don't know," he snarled. I couldn't say I knew Edward very well, but the few times we had talked, he had seemed a hell of a lot more controlled. This must have really pushed him over his boundaries. But it was weird to see him agitated. It was never something I had associated with him. "I was planning to marry the woman that you so thoughtlessly _defiled_."

_Whoa, whoa, _my teeth barred as I snarled at him. _I didn't 'defile' anyone, it was completely consensual. She wanted it just as much as I did.  
_

"Oh really?" the bloodsucker was right in my face now. I felt my chest vibrate as I growled, wanting nothing more than to sink my teeth into his head. "She's made you think that before," his voice cooled, "or have you forgotten so quickly? She did this only because she felt sorry for you." He was just lashing out at me, but that little lump of insecurity that I hid so well pushed itself forward, spreading a seed of doubt. I snarled, readying myself to attack.

_No, she loves me!_ I shouted. My rage was quickly getting out of hand. I _had_ to rip something apart. I wanted to crunch that frosty, marble flesh between my teeth, rip off his limbs, claw my way across his skin. His eyes narrowed again. He quickly straightened up.

"I'm not going to fight you, Jake," he muttered, peeling a blade of grass from his sleeve. "I am going to go talk to my betrothed."

_She didn't sleep at all last night!_ I snarled, fighting against the insane urges just begging to be released, pounding at my bones like a hundred tiny hammers. _Breathe, just breathe,_ I told myself, but even my thoughts sounded strained to me. Edward's lips curled,

"I don't want to hear about how she didn't sleep last night," his tone was scathing.

_If you gave a crap about her, you'd let her rest,_ I retorted. _She's a wreck, a guilty, sobbing wreck. Let her at least have some sleep. _His face softened, if it was possible for a rock to soften at all. He slowly nodded.

"Very well." He almost looked like he was in control again, but then he added, "I don't want you near her, ever again." That did it. All of my carefully suppressed rage burst out of me like a flood dam breaking. I charged at him, my teeth barred, snarls ripping from my throat. I heard a low hiss coming from him. We smashed into each other. I felt him trying to get his arms around me, but I easily slipped through his grasp, my teeth mashing deeply just below his elbow.

_She chose me!_ I screamed, my sharp fangs twisting his forearm off, leaving behind a cold, jagged mess. The bloodsucker gasped in pain, looking at the stub that was left.

"You had no right to claim her!" he raced at me again. I spit his forearm out and leaped into the air, meeting him halfway. I felt his hand clamp around my snout - my paw came up and raked down his chest, shredding his careful clothing. My nails bit into the granite flesh beneath it, leaving long, crooked rivets in their wake. His hand dropped from my face and I quickly snapped at his neck. He was fast though; he easily dodged around and ended up just behind me. I turned in time to dodge a wide, flying branch that had been snapped from a nearby tree. My hind legs pushed off the ground, hard, letting me soar over it. I landed, barring my teeth at him.

_Let her chose,_ I growled. _Or are you scared she really would stay with me?_ Froth was forming on the sides of my mouth. I'd never been so enraged before. It was exactly the sort of thing Sam would have warned me against. He was just about to answer, when suddenly, he stiffened, standing up straight, his weird, light eyes focused on something behind me. I wasn't about to turn my back on him.

"Jake!" I heard a familiar voice in the trees. It was Seth, though his boyish tone was replaced by urgency. "Both of you, stop!" He came into the clearing, his chest and feet bare. His eyes flashed back and forth between us, noting Edward's severed arm and the wreckage that laid all around us. "What the hell?" he demanded.

_Get out of here, Seth!_ I snarled. Of course he couldn't hear me. The bloodsucker calmly bent and picked up his arm. There was a series of grinding noises, like two boulders being smashed together, and the limb reattached, with no hint of damage.

"She wouldn't want this," he told us both, his voice angry. "Bella wouldn't want you two out here trying to kill each other."

_The only thing Bella's ever been sure about,_ I replied mutinously. To my surprise, Edward nodded, his face almost bemused.

"Where's Sam?" the leech asked. His shirt was in tatters around his pale torso, but he didn't remove it.

"At our boundaries. Jake, you idiot," Seth suddenly turned to me. "Half the pack was ready to come out here and kill Edward!"

_Good_, I mumbled, but a lot of my anger had already been shot. Unfortunately, Sam had taught me well, it was difficult to stay that pissed off for too long.

"It was just a misunderstanding," Edward murmured. Seth suddenly looked uncomfortable.

"Look," he rubbed his nose, "I get why you two are upset. There's got to be a better way, though. I mean, the Cullens' are almost like my second family," he looked steadily at the ghostly bloodsucker. I felt my stomach boil. _Why_ was Sam letting their stupid friendship go on? Edward nodded smoothly,

"We feel the same about you," he told him. I rolled my eyes.

"Jake, come home," Seth said at once. "Let them work this out. If Bella needs you, I'm sure she'll let you know."

That small patch of insecurity rolled out again, bringing a twinging depression along with it. I was suddenly hard pressed to believe that seconds ago, I had been ready to rip Edward apart. That was all gone now.

I knew what would happen next. She would tell me she loved me, then go crawling back to him the minute he showed his bleached hide around her bedroom. _Why can't I be enough for her?_ Agony began to cripple me. Edward's face suddenly smoothed, and he looked down at me with something like pity. A little stream of rage snaked back through me. I wouldn't accept _his_ pity. I had won, hadn't I? I had been with Bella in a way he'd never been capable of.

I walked over to Seth, my eyes lowered. He lead the way through the trees, not saying another word to me. Funny, I didn't feel like the man who had won. I felt like the one who had just lost everything, _again._

Hours later, I was laying across my small bed, staring up at the ceiling. I was suppose to be on patrol with the others, but Sam had let me off for the night. I wasn't going to complain. Billy had already gone to sleep. Our small, two bedroom house was completely silent. The rain was a continuous clamor over the tin roof. I zoned it out, my dark thoughts utterly consuming my attention.

I knew how this story ended. The leech would go all noble on Bella, and she'd fold in a second. Whatever connection we had, it was gone, as soon as they sat down to talk. I squeezed my eyes a few times, pushing back the bitter tears trying to force their way out. All this crying was getting on my nerves. The pain was getting on my nerves too.

_You're an idiot, kiddo_, I said to myself for the hundredth time that hour. I had completely let my stupid emotions win me over, I had come back after promising myself I was _gone_. Gone from La Push, gone from Forks, gone from Bella's life. It was like I was freaking alcoholic or something, unable to resist that _one_ last taste of booze, over and over again. She was a fine glass of bourbon, and I was a shaking, weak-willed jerk who just coming back for more. How could I be so angry when the bottle was finally taken away from me? It was unhealthy for me, and sick, _really sick_, for me to keep chasing it down like it was a life preserver cast out on a stormy sea.

I took a few deep breaths, letting them burst out in shaky waves from my chest. I had been so willing to let her go earlier, so willing to leave her be, if it would have made her happy. But _this_, this wasn't fair. Edward was like a poison to her mind. She'd pick him, because she'd screwed up. It would totally be out of guilt, out of some stupid sense of self-sacrifice. She'd leave everything behind; Renee, Charlie, her friends, a real life and maybe even kids, just because she made a mistake. I rolled over and punched my pillow a few times, letting some of the rage course through my body. My bed frame creaked ominously beneath me. It wouldn't be the first time I had accidentally broken it. I flattened myself out again, gritting my teeth.

_Maybe it isn't just about guilt_, I thought suddenly, a wave of sorrow washing over me. I tried really hard to push the thought back, but it came anyway, along with a fresh torrent of pain. _I mean, look at yourself, Black. Look at your crappy, two bedroom house, your dirt poor family, the run down reservation. What the hell do you have to offer her?_ Now a tear slipped down my cheek. I quickly wiped it away, frustrated. What would I have to offer her? The bloodsuckers could give her anything, _anything_ she could ever want, or need. She'd be completely taken care of, in a mansion of her own, wherever she wanted to live. She'd never _need_ to want anything. I had already seen that ridiculous engagement ring she wore, no doubt it had cost more than the deposit on our entire, rundown house. What did I have to offer? A used Volkswagen Rabbit and maybe $35 bucks? She'd spend everyday having to work a job, having to help me earn everything we needed. I couldn't offer her a damn thing. Depression washed over me, a dark wave of black, numbing my every emotion. I was _nothing_, not compared to the godly Cullens'. _That's what you get_, a voice sneered, _for thinking she'd ever chose you.  
_

Yep, that's what I got.


	5. Impossible Choice

There was an icy, familiar chill running down my spine. I bolted upright, gasping. Impossibly smooth fingers brushed my hair back, their touch leaving cold fire across my skin. Dazed, I whirled around. Edward was lying next to me, his godly features inches away.

"Good morning," his tone sounded off, a little tighter than usual. His granite lips touched my forehead briefly. I immediately felt queasy. I needed more time, I wasn't ready to talk to him, not yet.

"Morning," I mumbled, pushing my wild hair out of my face. His cool eyes seemed to study me for a minute, and I could see his mouth working, like he was trying to say something difficult. Finally, he heaved a sigh, his frosty breath hitting my face, making my head spin. I had forgotten just how impossible he could be to resist.

"I spoke to Jacob last night," his gorgeous, ocher eyes seemed to burn into mine. I felt my face turn a fiery crimson. Of course, Jake had gotten to him first. I gritted my teeth, preparing for the onslaught; whether it would be his, or mine, I wasn't sure yet. My eyes were already starting to burn with tears. I wasn't prepared to see his perfect features crumple, his godly form start to shake with despair. I gasped, and threw my arms around his neck, the tears already spilling heedlessly down my cheeks. Edward carefully broke my grasp, and flitted across the room, seating himself in Renee's old rocking chair. "Why?" the word was a tortured gasp, his arms where twisted hard around his torso; I was strongly reminded of my own hole, and the way I'd desperately try to keep my insides from spilling out.

"I don't know," I moaned, sobs wracking my chest. "I don't know, Edward." It took me a few moments for me to get under control from the fresh wave of consuming guilt, to master it, and speak once more. "I'm so, so, s-s-s-soorrry," the words crumbled around my lips. Like an apology would ever fix what I had done.

"Bella," his velvety voice was right in my ear. I closed my watery eyes, trying to memorize his icy breath hitting my cheeks, the subtle, hard weight of his body so closely pressed to mine. I knew that I would loose him now. I deserved this, but it didn't make it any easier. "I cannot forgive you for this." I nodded, my sobs shaking the bed. I already knew this. "But I cannot live without you, either." A shuddering gasp escaped my lips. I found his eyes. They gazed back at me gently, filled with cold desperation.

"I don't deserve you, Edward," I moaned, "I don't deserve either of you." I was drowning in the pain, letting it swiftly take me under, not bothering to fight it. There was no point. At that moment, more than anything, I wished I could just run, run from all of this. Maybe be someone else, for just one day, someone less selfish; someone who wasn't desperately in love with two opposites ends of the supernatural spectrum. I squeezed my eyes shut, letting my jagged breaths heave my chest to and fro. I wanted _out_, so badly. Because no matter what, I always ended up hurting both of them, and myself. And I knew, somehow, that this time, no matter who I chose, it would cause irreparable damage to the man that I left behind.

"Breathe, Bella," his velvety command sent a chill down my spin. I felt his solid arms wrap gently around me. He pulled me against him, his icy lips resting softly against my hair. "You're hyperventilating, please breathe, my love." I tried to do as he asked, to take full, deep breaths, through my mouth, releasing them out of my nose. My heart shuddered to a slower pace; I kept the rhythm up, forcing oxygen into my bloodstream. A wave of dizziness struck me, but it quickly passed. Nothing could stop the tears, though. Those were a hot river, running endless down my face. Edward turned me around to face him, his features now impossibly calm, sympathetic even. It made my insides writhe with self-loathing. I didn't deserve his sympathy. I deserved a firing squad.

"What now, Bella?" his eyes smoldered into mine, making my heart flutter painfully against my ribs.

"I don't know," I whispered. I shook my head a few times, completely overwhelmed by the simple question.

"I see," his melodious voice was tinged with bitterness. "You have feelings for him, then? More so than before?" I couldn't answer, I barely managed a weak nod. Edward sighed, and gently smoothed a kiss on my forehead. "What do we do, indeed?" he murmured. "Shall I rescind the invitations?" It took me a moment to grasp what he was asking. _Of course, the wedding_, I remembered with a wild panic. I hesitantly opened my lips; they moved mutely for a moment.

"I don't think we have any other choice," I finally managed.

"We do," he corrected me lightly, curling his smooth fingers through mine. "We can go ahead as planned. Though, I would have one demand of you."

"What?" I asked softly, but I had a feeling I knew already.

"Jacob would be off limits," his voice was firm. I nodded slowly; that wasn't completely unreasonable, given what had just happened. But . . . I wasn't sure I could live with that. _Stupid, selfish jerk_, my mind chided. I heaved a deep breath, my hands shaking. Could I? Edward was offering to take me back, treachery and all - nothing would have to change, except . . . Jacob. That hot, searing pain from the other night, that molten stream, filling me like a burning sun, exploded through my chest. I gasped; it felt like someone had punched my insides out, but instead of feeling hollow, I felt an aching, tormenting, burn. _No_, my mind moaned. _No, I don't think I can live with that._ Edward's forehead creased, his eyes narrowed with intense concern. "Bella?" he whispered. I gaped a few times, shaking my head against this new wall of hellish conflict.

"I need time," I finally managed, my lips trembling. "I'm so, so, sorry Edward. So sorry," the tears thickened on my cheeks. "I can't marry you, not now, not with this . . ." my voice tightened, and I shook my head forcefully.

"As you wish," his face was impossible to read. He lifted himself from my bed, and gently raised my hand to his icy lips, barely brushing them. "I can give you time, Bella. Please, come find me when you are ready." Without another word, Edward was gone, utterly disappearing from my room. I plunged my face into my hands and sobbed myself dry.

The sun and the moon were at war, tearing my up my insides with their bloody battle. If I was the earth, which would I need more? The question plagued me all morning. I shuffled into the shower, letting the hot water scorch my skin, until it ran ice cold. Too much sun, and things began to wither and die. But without it, they would never have a chance to live in the first place. Still, what would the earth be without the moon's cool respite? And without either, I'd just as surely die. There'd be no gravitational pull to keep me in orbit; a lost planet with no other purpose but to drift and eventually collide. I could see that death, a jarring explosion, ending in burning, fiery torment. Maybe I secretly welcomed it. The earth could never chose between the two things it needed most; night and day - so how could I? I dried myself off, my skin rising from the cold droplets of water clinging against its surface. How could I chose?

I skipped eating, my stomach was a rock-hard ball of tension, and my throat had swollen shut. I'd try to eat something with Charlie, later. My body moved automatically through brushing my hair and teeth, dressing, and picking up my room. For something to do, I gathered a basket of laundry and started a load. The house was too quiet. Charlie was at work, and the silence was stark compared to the noise in my head. I turned on the flatscreen downstairs and cranked up the volume; I desperately wanted to drown out my thoughts. It did very little, but I was soothed to hear the other voices, softening the pressing cacophony in my jumbled mind.

Because there was nothing else to do, I sank onto the sofa, curling my legs underneath me. I stared blankly at the screen without seeing what was on it. My thoughts whirled like a broken machine, spitting out random images, confused conversations, conflicting wants and needs; at least I had cried myself out. My tear ducts seemed to have finally withered up.

Edward had held my heart first, from the very instant I laid eyes on him. He had graciously stooped to gather me up, and elevate me to impossible heights. We could live forever, him and I, in some tiny pocket of infinity, wrapped in a blanket of bliss that would be untouched by the passing years. Didn't I owe him something? He had humbled himself to fall in love with me, after all. Me, the painfully average, dead-clumsy, weak human. I had made a promise to him, a very real commitment. After all he had ever done for me, and everything we had ever shared, could I really just walk away? Pretend like nothing had ever happened?

But Jacob . . . _Jacob, Jacob, Jacob_, my mind chanted. My protector, my personal sun, the man who didn't have to lower himself to be perfect for me. There was nothing I would ever have to change for him. We could live out our lives nestled in the homey confines of La Push, passing the cloudy days with laughter and simplicity. I could see the years passing, bringing changes, and unpredictability. I could see waking up next to him, not knowing what the day would hold. And how many times had I hurt him? How many times had we been so close to becoming something more, but unable to pursue any course, with Edward's presence bending my will? Didn't I owe him a chance, at the very least? If I walked away having never experienced what could be, would I regret it?

And what had made me give in like that, the other night? It was very hard to forget the passion between Jacob and I, something so deep and heavy I found myself reliving it, over and over again. I had never known I was capable of those kinds of feelings. Our very souls seemed to have melded, and what had started out as a kiss had quickly caught fire, sweeping us both away with its unrelenting intensity. I had supposed that it would be similar with Edward, but we always had to be _so_ careful. It had been entirely different with Jake, not careful, but _natural_. We had both let ourselves feel exactly what we were feeling, and had let those feelings take us through every passionate moment. It couldn't be like that with Edward, I realized. Not until I was changed. And even then, would it be the same? That intense, smoldering passion? Or would it be different? Cooler somehow? Like his skin, or his breath, or his lips?

My mind wouldn't give me any clear answers. I was at an impasse, utterly stuck between two warring pieces on opposite ends of the board. My stupid, weak-willed actions had led us to this crossroad. And my indecision would only give the coming maelstrom time to gather, writhing and twisting high overhead, before bringing down a storm that could easily destroy all three of us. This wasn't right. _Maybe I shouldn't chose either_, I reasoned with myself. _After all, if it's only me it will destroy, that would be the best option. _They hadn't caused this, it was utterly my fault. I could move back in with my mom, down in Jacksonville, and try to pretend like none of this had ever happened. Charlie would probably understand, given everything that had transpired since I first moved here. I felt sickened by the thought; as tempting as it was, it was so spineless and cowardly. I had made this mess. I needed to try to fix it, somehow.

The day wore on, though the only noticeable change outside the single-paned windows was a little less light filtering through the overcast sky. I eventually turned off the TV and slumped back up to my room, remembering to change the load as I passed the washer. Charlie wouldn't be home for a least another hour. I walked through my bedroom door, and stopped, looking around. It was hard to be in here, the room holding so many conflicting memories. But, I had never checked my email last night. I switched on my computer, staring blankly at the boot screen. What I really wished for, was someone a little more objective to look at my problem. Of course, I could never go to anyone about this, it was bad enough dragging Jake and Edward through it, never mind including some unknown third party.

Renee had sent me another novel length message, gushing over wedding details. I felt a lump raise in my throat. Of course she was talking about the wedding. How was I suppose to tell her it was off now? My fingers sat on the keyboard, unmoving. I didn't even know where to begin. Honesty was normally the best policy, but I was so ashamed of what I had done - what should I do? I must have sat there for longer than I realized, because I heard the front door swing open.

"Bella?" Charlie's voice echoed from downstairs. I swallowed, shaking myself out of my daze.

"Up here dad," I finally managed. I pushed away from my desk. I would have to figure out what to tell my mom, but maybe now wasn't the best time. I would answer with something vague a little later, give myself more time to think. Right now, I had a sudden, pressing urge to get out of the house.

"I was going to go down to the beach," I informed Charlie as he sank into his easy chair. "I can make dinner when I get back, I'm not going to be gone long." Charlie waved his hand airily,

"We had a potluck at work today," he said, "I ate a lot at the station. You go have fun. And tell Jake I say hi." I felt my cheeks redden. Why did he automatically assume I was going to see Jake?

"I'm just going to first beach," I said slowly, "I wasn't planning on seeing Jake. I don't even know where he is, actually."

"Okay, Bells," Charlie didn't really sound convinced. I sighed, throwing on my raincoat and pocketing my truck keys.

The drive did more to soothe me than I would have realized. My truck trundled slowly down the winding road, cutting through the deep puddles along the wet pavement. The rain wasn't thick enough to make for dangerous conditions; instead, the droplets left smooth, nearly transparent trails across my windshield, letting the misty forest burst in a soggy, green array all around me. I took an alternate path to first beach, the one meant for tourists who weren't allowed to drive through the reservation. My truck chugged along smoothly. I pulled up to a spot near the water in the parking lot, cutting the roaring engine.

The water was choppy today, a dull, icy gray that sent frothing waves crashing against the rough sands of the muddy beach. I walked towards it slowly, kicking a rock around as I idly made my way down the gravelly path. I saw someone sitting on my favorite driftwood bench, staring out into the stormy sea. Even from a distance, I could make out his powerful build barely hidden beneath a baggy black t-shirt and ragged, cut-off shorts. His black hair hung loosely around his face, creating a dark, damp curtain. It was Jake.

I assumed he had heard me walking, but made no move to turn around as I approached him. I said his name softly.

"Bella," he turned around, looking genuinely surprised. His eyes suddenly narrowed, and he looked away, but not before I caught a haggard, bitter mask slipping over his features. "What do you want?"

"I was just getting away from the house," I murmured. "I didn't know you'd be here."

"So you didn't come down here to talk to me," his voice was tight.

"No," I replied slowly, "not really."

"You had to figure you'd run into me, though," he retorted, "I mean, you're on my land."

"I'm on the beach," I sighed, taking a seat on the other end of the log. "It's not like I just barged into your house or something." Jake didn't respond right away. That angry, sarcastic guy that had replaced _my _Jacob so long ago, was back again, in full form.

"What're you doing here?" he demanded, his eyes locked on the swirling, black clouds hanging over the water.

"I told you," I muttered, "I needed to get out of the house."

"Thinking about how you're going to turn me down this time?" his voice was harsh. I winced slightly.

"No," I said slowly.

"Right," he shook his head, "but you talked to your _precious_ bloodsucker?"

"What's wrong with you?" I burst, standing up. "Yeah, Edward and I talked this morning." Jake was on his feet too, his fists balled up against his sides.

"So go ahead, Bella," he snarled, "tell me off. Tell me how I just can't measure up to that stupid, rich, human-loving leech." His words stung, causing anger to swiftly wash through me, but they had an element of truth to them. Hadn't that always been what I had done?

"I called the wedding off," I bit my lip before I could say something I'd regret. It felt kind of good to be angry. I knew it was pathetic, because the only person I was really angry at was myself, but Jake's malicious words had spurred something other than sadness, for once. I held onto that feeling, letting it grant me a little bit of false strength. We stood there, eying each other wordlessly. He still looked hostile. As suddenly as I had wanted out of the house, I now wanted nothing more than to go disappear back into my room. My feet turned automatically, moving me back towards my truck. There was silence behind me for a moment, then he was next to me, matching my stride.

"You called it off?" His voice still sounded hard. I ignored him. I felt him catch my arm suddenly, and whirl me around to face him. "Why?"

"Let go," I muttered, uselessly trying to twist out of his grip. He slowly loosened his fingers, looking ready to grab me again if I decided to move. I heaved a frustrated sigh. "What did you expect, Jake?" I growled, "that I'd just skip off and get married, after what happened between us?" He frowned,

"Well, yeah," he said, as though this should have been the obvious solution.

"I told you," I replied hotly, "it isn't so simple anymore." Jake's face softened perceptibly.

"It was never an issue before," he murmured.

"This is different," I shot back. I desperately wanted to get away from him. I had gone through too much emotional upheaval lately. And I had caused more than my fair share on both of them. I turned to go.

"No," Jake was right next to me again, easily matching my fast pace. "You can't run from this Bells. Just talk to me."

"About what?" I burst, stopping abruptly. "About how badly I screwed everything up? About how I am going to end up really hurting one of you, or both of you, before this is over? I am utterly stupid, Jake, for being unable to chose, okay? I betrayed Edward because you and I got carried away! And no matter what I do, I _can't_ seem to let that night go. I can't let either of you go!" I was shouting now, a few angry tears had slipped out of my eyes. My hand brushed them away furiously. "Don't you get it? You're both so sure that I'd be better off with one, instead of the other. You're both so wrapped up in this stupid fight over me, that you can't even begin to see how horrible I am, for both of you!" Jake reached out, to do what, I didn't know, because I twisted away from his fingers, taking several steps back. "No," I sobbed, "don't touch me. Don't comfort me. Just leave me alone, Jake." I turned and ran, stumbling over my feet, making a clumsy escape to my truck.

The keys shook in my hands. I managed to cram them in the door, but before I could yank it open, Jake's hot hand was covering mine, gently pulling it away.

"Bells," his voice was soft, "stop."

"No," I gritted my teeth. My insides where a strange mix of self hatred and despair. I deserved every last ounce of it, too. "Just leave me alone," I insisted, managing to pull the door open with my other hand.

"Bella," his voice cracked. "Just calm down. Don't go driving off like this, it isn't safe."

"Great," I snarled, slamming the door shut, and narrowly missing his fingers in the process. "Maybe I'll get wrapped around a tree, then I won't be a problem anymore." I almost immediately regretted saying something so harsh, but my mind was too crippled with fury for an apology. I crammed the key into the ignition, and hit the clutch, almost stalling the truck in my haste.

Of course, he wasn't giving up so easily. Before I could roll half way out of the parking lot, Jake was at the passenger side door, ripping it open and sliding in. It was too effortless for him. I almost wished I had a normal car, suddenly, so I could just speed off, making it impossible for him to catch me. I hit the brakes, slipping the gears into neutral, fuming.

"Seriously Jake," I fought to keep my voice normal, "leave me alone."

"Nope," he slid over to me, and before I could protest, he crushed me into his chest, his fingers running down the length of my hair. I managed not to cry, for once, but that was only because I was still smoldering with anger. "Just listen," he said after a moment. "I was so sure you'd take him back right away, Bella." He paused, as though considering his next words carefully. "Our track record, it hasn't been great. I never thought, in a million years, I had a snowball's chance in hell with you." He pulled back, his eyes burning with an almost violent passion. "Do you understand what I would do, just to have even a few days with you? Or a week?" His words were burning my anger away. I desperately tried to hold onto it, but it escaped, like grains of sand in a clenched fist. "Damn it, Bella," he said intensely, "I'd give up _anything_, absolutely _anything_, just to call you mine, even for an hour." I didn't know that. I didn't really _want_ to know that. It just made everything so much harder to deal with. Why couldn't he see what a terrible person I was? "I'm not saying you're giving me a chance," he said suddenly, casting his eyes down, "but, you didn't take him back, not yet. At least . . . at least what we did _means_ something to you." He brushed his feverish fingers across my cheeks, leaving behind a burning blush. "At least I mean something to you."

"Of course you do," I murmured, my breath stopped up in my chest. It was so, _so_ wrong that he could make me feel this way, all the sudden. There was a raw ache in the pit of my stomach, begging for his lips and his hands, his fevered skin, anything. I leaned back a little, trying to push the overwhelming want away. Jake sighed, shaking his head slightly.

"Well, be safe," he said, slipping back out of the truck. I nodded shortly, my jaw seemed locked shut. I didn't move for a little while, but watched him retreat in the rear-view mirror, my body frozen. I wanted to leap back out of the truck and chase him down, wrap myself in his arms, give into that intensity that made it so hard for me to breathe. But, I knew that wasn't the right thing to do, not now. Slowly, I revved my truck, and pulled it out of neutral, making my way back to the public road. The only thing I knew for sure, as I pulled up into the soggy driveway a little while later, was that I had an impossible choice to make, and I couldn't wait much longer to chose.


	6. The Other Pack

I smiled as I walked back down the beach, chuckling at myself as I noticed my steps were sort of bouncy. I couldn't help it. My insides felt like they'd been filled with helium, like I could just run and jump and fly. She hadn't gone running right back to him. She didn't know what she wanted. And it felt so different than the last time. I could tell, just by her outburst, and that little frown, and the way her held her mouth; she _really_ _didn't know_. I could have skipped.

Course, I didn't. Instead, I ambled casually along first beach, my hands shoved in my pockets, just enjoying this new, elated feeling. It was a risk, for sure, because she could go racing back to him at any moment, but the fact that she hadn't yet said a lot to me. I had a shot, a real chance at being with the only woman I would ever love. My smile just wouldn't go away.

I knew she was in a lot of pain right now, and it did bother me, seeing her so torn up, but I also knew she'd be okay, once she made a decision. I paused for half a second, chewing the inside of my cheek. Okay, maybe I wasn't actually looking forward to her making it. I didn't want to deal with that crushing blow. Because, despite the new optimism I was feeling, I was almost sure that she'd never pick me. I needed to enjoy this while it lasted. I might try and coax her along a little, but I'd also be maintaining some distance, just to be safe. No doubt, the bloodsucker would be pulling out the big guns now. I'd need to be pretty careful. But maybe, just maybe, I could play this game. And if I was lucky, stupid lucky, I might just win. Maybe.

My happiness lasted until I got back into my neighborhood. I immediately noticed that something was wrong. People were milling about, running back and forth between each others houses, talking in hushed tones. I slowed, my eyes darting all around. What was happening?

"Jake!" I heard Sam's voice call from behind me. I turned, actually happy to see him, for once.

"What the hell's happening?" I waved my hand around at the anxious clusters of people.

"It's not good," Sam breathed, stopping short in front of me. "Follow me to Emily's, we've got to talk." I nodded, jogging behind him through the muddy roads.

Everyone, all of the pack, and all of the Elders, including my dad, were crammed around the low, scrubbed wooden table in Emily's brightly painted kitchen. She was bustling about, setting mugs of coffee and bowls of chips and dip, and a loaf of bread across its wide surface. I leaned against the counter, crossing my arms over my chest. I'd never seen an impromptu meeting like this. No one was talking. You could have cut the tension in the air with a knife. My eyes darted to my father's. He looked back, an unreadable expression on his weathered, brown face. Even Seth, who was annoyingly enthusiastic at all times, was hunched up in a chair, his fingers curled around a mug of hot chocolate, not saying a word. Tension bubbled painfully in my stomach.

"Right," Sam was leaning against the counter opposite to me, his arms crossed, just like mine. "We've got a situation here, people," he said slowly. "There's a pack moving in from the east, up along the Canadian boarder. And they're heading right for Forks." I frowned.

There weren't a whole lot of other werewolf packs out in the world. For one thing, you had to have the genes, or the magic, or whatever the hell it was that made us turn, and for another, you had to live near vampires in order for it to work. That was what sucked so hard about being a Quileute; not only did we all seem to have the genes, but with the Cullens' not even 15 miles away, most of us were doomed to joining the pack at some point. The few other packs we had encountered were similar to us; there'd never been a problem, as far as I knew.

"This pack," Sam went on after pausing for a few moments, "is notorious for wiping out permanent vampire settlements. They honor no treaties made by other tribes, and have no qualms about slaughtering any covenant, whether or not they feed on humans." I felt my heart beating just a little harder. There was no way this could be happening. "They have heard of the Cullens' family, living just outside of Forks." He held up an opened envelope. "We've been warned to stay out of their way. They don't want to fight us, but they will, if they have to. The pack is coming to wipe out the vampires." It felt like a rock had dropped into my stomach. _This can't be happening_, I thought waspishly. _No freaking way._ "We've got a decision to make," Sam was now slowly pacing around the room, his hands clasped behind his back. "Do we fight our brothers from the Blackfoot tribe, in order to protect the Cullen family? Or, do we just warn them, and stay out of it? It is possible that if they are warned early enough, they can assemble other allies-"

"No way," I cut him off, my hand balled into a fist. "No freaking way am I fighting to protect that stupid horde of vamps." I looked around at the assembly, "We don't owe them anything."

"I owe Carlisle for your life, Jake," my dad spoke up calmly. I gritted my teeth. I had a feeling that would come up.

"And the Cullens' have never hurt anyone," Sam replied. "They've never violated the treaty."

"Who cares?" Leah spoke up from the corner, "Jake's right. We just stuck our necks out of those stupid bloodsuckers. This isn't our problem," her eyes flashed to me before looking back down at the floor. I wish she'd just shut up. Everyone in the pack practically hated her, and if she was siding with me, then I'd already lost.

"I don't mind fighting leeches," I ground my teeth in frustration, "but this is too much, these are our cousins. We can't fight them." A murmured argument started between the assembly. Sam held his hands out, calling for quiet.

"We can't disagree on this," his palms smacked against his thighs, "it starts here, people. If we can't unite on this decision, then it's already over."

"They technically don't fall under our realm of protection," Sue Clearwater stated. "The pack is suppose to guard the _people_ of Forks. They aren't people."

"If it wasn't for Carlisle, I would have lost my son!" Billy's voice echoed loudly over an outbreak of murmured agreement.

"If it wasn't for the Cullens', I would never have gotten hurt, dad," I retorted.

"Damn it, Jake," my father's fist came down on the table. "Are you so blinded by hate that you can't see reason? What would it do to Bella, if she lost Edward, because you were being a selfish pig?" My cheeks glowed hotly at his words. Somehow, even with all the rumors flying around La Push, my father still hadn't heard about Bella and I. I was grateful, but the way the rest of the assembly cast their eyes down, and the awkward silence that followed - he had to know something was up.

"This isn't about Bella," I said slowly through clenched teeth. "This is about what's right, dad. You're asking us to go out there and slaughter some of our own!"

"Stop!" Sam's voice cut sharply through the air. I leaned back, folding my arms over my chest. "We have to vote. Anyone who is not a council member, leave." I cast a contemptuous look in Sam's direction, but I made my way out the door, followed by a steady line. Anger was rising off of me in hot waves.

"Un-freaking-believable," Leah burst as soon as we cleared the house. "We're gonna to end up fighting for those stupid leeches, _again!_" She stopped short, suddenly rounding on me, "And you," she sneered. "What the hell where you thinking? You're stupid choices are making everything a lot more complicated. Give up on her Jake, you're being pathetic."

"Shut up, Leah," I snarled, the fire at my core suddenly trying to erupt. I flexed my muscles, using every ounce of resolve to push the quivering away. No doubt, she'd love a fight right now. That was Leah's problem, she always pushed, always tried to bring out the worst in everyone. It drove me nuts. "Just because I have a shot, and you never will, don't take this out on me." My words stung, I could tell by the way her face tightened. She squared her jaw, and started away, walking swiftly to the trees. _Good riddance_, I snarled.

"They won't really make us stay out of it, will they?' Seth's worried voice sounded behind me. I turned on my heel. His eyes were wide with panic.

"It isn't our problem, Seth," I said at once. "The Blackfoot pack warned us to stay out of the way, we shouldn't interfere."

"But they'll get hurt," Seth murmured. "We can't let that happen."

"They're not _people_, Seth!" I shouted. His eyes flashed,

"You just hate them because of Edward," he growled. "Your dad's right Jake, you're being a jerk." I started to walk away from him, but he caught up, hurrying along beside me. "Bella would never forgive you if something happened to him," he insisted. "She'd hate you Jake. You thought it was bad before, wait until you don't do anything, and he dies." _Shut up, kid_, my mind groaned. "You have to help them, Jake, we all do. Not just for Bella, but for Carlisle, too. Forks needs him." I stopped abruptly, my hands balled up at my sides.

"Alright, Seth!" I barked, just as he was opening his mouth to continue. "It's not like I can say no, anyway, if Sam orders me." Seth nodded slowly,

"No, you can't," he said, suddenly bright. I groaned, and rolled my eyes. With heavy feet, I turned around. We headed back to Emily's front porch, resigning ourselves to sitting outside and waiting for the council's decision.

"We're fighting," Sam emerged finally. It was already dark out, and a gentle rain had started up, peppering the soggy ground with fresh drops. I looked up at him, my mouth a tight line. "If you can't handle this Jake, sit out," he muttered, turning to walk back inside. I sprang to my feet, Seth right on my heels.

"I didn't say I couldn't handle it," I said as we came back to the kitchen. "I didn't say anything, Sam."

"Your face did," he shook his head. "I don't need you out there if you're not going to do your job." I bit back my retort; saving a bunch of bloodsuckers _wasn't_ my job! Instead, I muttered,

"I know. I'm fine, no worries." Sam gave me a doubtful look, but didn't say anything.

"The Cullens' need to be warned," he said to the room.

"I'll go," Seth said at once.

"Not alone, you won't," Sue Clearwater spoke up.

"Give me a break, mom," Seth said rolling his eyes. I shifted uncomfortably as she turned to me. I shook my head, clenching my teeth;

"I said I'd fight, but I'm not going anywhere near those bloodsuckers," I muttered. Sam nodded,

"I agree, Jake, you shouldn't be near them right now. I'll send Quil with you, Seth." In the corner, I saw Quil heave a sigh. No doubt, that was the last thing he felt like doing tonight. _Better you than me_, I thought. Chances where, if Edward and I even got near each other, we'd probably end up in another fight. And, I knew I really shouldn't do that right now, tempting as it was.

"Let them know we think they'll be here in about a week," Sam told Seth. He nodded. "Alright," Sam said, throwing up his hands, "that's it."

There was some general confusion, mixed with quiet conversation, as the assembly began slowly trickling out of Emily's house. I followed Seth, my pace unhurried.

"You know would be great?" I asked him as we got a little further from the crowd.

"What?" he frowned.

"If we could go a whole six months without there being some epic battle around here." He chuckled,

"Yeah," he agreed. Quil caught up with us, walking in silence for a bit.

"Let's get this over with," he told Seth, as we neared my house.

"Sure," Seth shrugged. "Later, Jake."

"Bye," I waved.

I checked the clock in my kitchen. It was pushing for nine, but it was still early enough that I could drop by Bella's, so long as Charlie didn't know. Part of me thought that maybe I could score some points, if I was the one who told her about the pack coming after the vamps, but really, I just wanted a good excuse to see her.

I left all but my cut-offs on the floor of my bedroom and bolted out my window, shifting before I even hit the ground. It felt amazing to be zipping through the thick forest, my reflexes allowing me to easily dodge trees and bushes as they come across my path.

_Running off to tell your little girlfriend? _Leah's bitter voice filled my mind.

_Yeah,_ I replied coolly. _Gonna spend your night wallowing over Sam, some more? _Twice in one night was a little below the belt, even I cringed at my response. But I wasn't going to let her make me miserable, for once. She let out a string of cuss words, and then fell silent. I felt Quil and Seth racing out of the boundaries, heading to the north. They weren't talking. It felt almost like I was alone, which was awesome.

After about ten minutes, the forest began thinning out. I could smell wet asphalt, exhaust, oil, and even the remains of someone's dinner still cooling, as I slowed to a halt. I loped behind the streets, sticking to the trees. As I got nearer to Bella's house, I stopped, snarling. _His_ scent was everywhere. My nose twitched, burning like crazy. I growled, and forced myself to shift back, pulling on my cut-offs. I was almost positive his trail would lead right to her bedroom. I didn't want to think about what that meant, as a sickening dread washed over me. I broke into a jog, pushing through the remains of the forest, coming to a halt right below her room. Yep, he was in there, all right. Well, she technically wasn't his anymore, so I had just as much right to be here.

I picked up a handful of pebbles and flicked them at her window, keeping my ears sharp for sounds of Charlie. The house stayed quiet. After a few minutes, as I was getting more and more anxious, Bella finally threw her window open, and stuck her head out.

"Jake," she hissed. "What do you want?"

"Need to talk to you," I replied, "and the bloodsucker," I added, after hesitating.

"We're kind of in the middle of something," Bella said. _Like hell they are_, I thought, my heart pounding in my chest. _In the middle of what, exactly?_ Bella disappeared for a moment, replaced by Edward.

"Message received," he said coolly. "Now, if you don't mind-"

"I do, actually. Bella has a right to know what's going on. I know, you love to keep stuff from her, but she's a big girl, she should hear this." Faintly, from the back of the room, I heard Bella say,

"I'm coming outside." I smirked to myself. If there was one thing she absolutely _hated_, it was being excluded. Edward sighed.

I could hear their quiet argument, followed by Bella's footsteps all the way from her room to the front door. Edward simply flitted out the window, standing about ten feet away from me, his face unreadable.

"You're worrying her over nothing," he said quietly. "This doesn't even concern her."

"If you mean, they're not trying to kill her, you're right," I agreed, "but you and I are involved, and she's apart of both of us." Edward shot me a glowering look. It really burned him that I could say that now, and be right. I smirked again.

"What's up, Jake?" Bella asked, a little breathlessly, as she stepped out of her front door. My stomach did a nervous sort of flip, just from seeing her again.

"There's a pack of werewolves coming," I said slowly, my eyes drinking in the sight of her face, "and they want to kill the Cullens'." She gasped, her hand flying to her mouth.

"Why?" she finally demanded.

"Because they're vampires," I replied casually. "They could be here in a week, but maybe less, if they're going to risk running."

"I didn't know there were other packs," Bella said slowly, shoving her hands in her coat pockets.

"Course," I nodded. "Not many, but there are definitely some out there. And this particular pack has a vendetta with groups of vamps settled in one area. They caught a rumor about the Cullens', and they're on their way." I felt a little swell of joy. She wasn't crying, or running to his arms, or clinging to him like he could disappear at any moment. She was keeping a careful distance, from both of us. It wasn't ideal for me, maybe, but I couldn't lie, it was awesome to see him snubbed like that.

"I suppose I should go ahead and talk to my family," Edward said slowly. "Alice won't be able to see the outcome of this, not if there are werewolves involved. And yes, we'd certainly appreciate your help." I caught Bella's confused face.

"My pack agreed to help the Cullens' fight, when the other pack comes," I said.

"No!" Bella cried. My face flushed warmly as I swallowed a grin. She took a deep breath, "I couldn't live with myself if something happened to either of you. You guys can't fight, you just can't."

"We are," I told her grimly, a little put out that she'd involved the leech. "But don't worry, we can take them pretty easily, I think." Edward nodded in agreement.

"I should be going," he said quickly. "Thank you, Jacob. I appreciate you telling me this, and thank your pack, for helping us." He turned, his eyes locked on Bella's. "Will you come with me? I'd like to plan out a safe place for you to be, and Alice would really like to see you. She misses you." Bella took a deep breath, then, amazingly, she shook her head. I felt my mouth gape. I'd never seen her turn him down.

"I can't, Edward," she murmured. "I can't face them. I still need more time." Edward shot me a withering look, and then focused on her again, barely nodding. His face was a mask. He took off, disappearing down the street with blurring speed.

I shook my head, swinging my arms a little. Bella was looking at where he'd disappeared, her face conflicted. She finally turned to me, frowning.

"You should go, too," she said softly. "It isn't fair, Jake, for me to hang out with you, after refusing him like that." I didn't even think about what I was doing as I walked towards her, the distance between us easily closed.

"You don't have to play fair, you know, Bella," I murmured. I wrapped my arms around her tiny waist and covered her mouth with mine. She hesitated for a second, and then was kissing me back, fiercely. I curled my fingers through her hair, my chest exploding with fiery warmth. She was _so_ soft. Her hair, her skin, her lips, her mouth. I put my hand against her cheek, feeling like I was doing more than just exploring her lips, but like I was breathing her in, drinking her very essence, taking pieces of her soul, and pushing them deep into myself.

She broke away from me, stumbling a little, her breath ragged.

"Ugh, Jake," she moaned, pulling her hair back from her face. "You can't keep doing that!"

"Why?" I asked, fighting to remain steady myself.

"It . . . isn't fair," she mumbled, shaking her head.

"I'm in this to win, Bells," I replied, "I'm not going to play fair. He damn well isn't."

"He doesn't just throw himself on me," she muttered.

"That's not my fault," I said, but I was pleased to hear it.

"Go home, Jake," Bella shook her head.

"Why can't we just hang out?" I shrugged. "I'm capable of just being your friend, after all."

"He could too, if I asked," she muttered, but she didn't stop me as I followed her inside, and up into her room. His stench hit me as soon as I walked in. I wrinkled my nose, feeling like someone had just shot bleach up it. Bella ignored me, sitting at her desk. I sat on the edge of her bed, glad that it was mostly stink-free, still.

"What were you guys doing, anyway?" I asked, not really sure if I wanted the answer. Bella didn't say anything right away, but sat there, chewing on her lip.

"Arguing," she said, finally.

"About . . .?" I leaned back on my elbows, watching her expression carefully.

"Edward wanted to . . . you know . . . like we did," she stumbled, her forehead creased. I sat upright, my stomach plummeting to my feet.

"You can't," I growled, a wave of nausea rolling over me from the very thought. "He'd kill you, Bells." She shook her head, taking a deep breath.

"It isn't that," she said quietly, "I don't think he'd hurt me, but I can't," she swished her fingers through the air. "I can't do _that_, not . . . not because we did it. It'd be . . . wrong." My mouth became a thin line.

"Is that all that's stopping you?" I asked in a low voice, my muscles tense. "Because, that won't keep you from him for long, you know." She shook a little, pulling her hair behind her ear.

"It's not just that," she murmured, "I still don't know what I'm going to do. I won't just bounce back and forth . . . it isn't right."

"So . . ." I pulled my thoughts together, "have you kissed him? Since we . . . you know." She bit her lip, and shook her head. My chest swelled with happiness.

"Just you," she said morosely, "I can't do the back and forth, like I said." I tried to quell my excitement. We weren't official, or anything, but I just might be winning. It seemed impossible. My body felt light, almost airy, as I considered actually getting a chance with her. She must have read my expression, because I heard her snort. "Stop gloating, Jake. I haven't made up my mind yet."

"I know," I couldn't help but grin, "but, things are looking pretty good for us."

"Just because he's too, _decent_, to try and throw himself at me," she muttered, "and I'm too ashamed to try anything with him."

"Seriously Bella," I got up, and carefully knelt in front of her. Her hand was so tiny in mine, her fingertips just a little cold. I wrapped my fingers through hers, rubbing my thumb along the edge of her palm. "If you really wanted to, you'd kiss him. I know you, you wouldn't want to stop yourself." She flushed, her jaw tensing.

"I told you," she whispered, "I'm confused, Jake."

"No," I murmured, gently kissing the tops of her knuckles, "you're falling for me. You want to be with me."

"I'm already in love you, Jake," she squirmed slightly.

"This is a different kind of falling," I explained quietly. "You're really considering this now. You can actually see us together, happy." I heard her breath catch in her throat. Her heart was racing, the delicate skin on her wrist was pulsing under my touch. I suppressed a smile. We were equal now, truly equal. All those stupid little reactions she could never feel in me where now happening in her, every time we touched, or kissed, or got close. "Don't be afraid," I looked carefully into her eyes, my heart swelling when I saw how soft they were.

"I'm not afraid," she whispered.

"Good," I caught her lips, gently caressing them with mine. She yielded, her passion spreading across my skin from her fingertips, to her soft, shuddering gasps in my ear. Suddenly she pulled away, her jaw clenched again.

"But I still need time," she chided, scooting her chair back a few inches.

"I know," I smiled, retreating to the edge of her bed. "I'm not trying to make you decided right now. I'm just not fighting fair."

"No, you're not," she muttered.

It was getting late. I hated to leave, but Bella was practically falling asleep at her desk.

"I'm gonna get out of here," I told her quietly. She snapped up, her eyes wide open now.

"No," she shook her head. A scarlet blush crept up her neck, and her eyes lowered to the floor. "I mean, I know you have to." I chuckled quietly,

"I'll be back, tomorrow, if you want." She looked hesitant, then nodded. I chewed on my cheek for a second. "I don't have to Bella," I murmured, "I'm really not trying to force myself on you."

"No, I do want to see you tomorrow," she sighed, standing up. "That's the problem."

"Not for me, it isn't," I smiled, opening her window. I caught her reflection blushing.

"Night, Jake." She was right behind me now. It was amazing to have her approach me first, her thin arms wrapping around my middle, her fingers trailing down my spine. I sighed, hugging her back.

"Sleep well, Bells," I whispered. I carefully kissed her forehead, brushing some loose strands out of her face.

"You too, Jake," she said with a small smile. That wasn't a sentiment she could share with the bloodsucker. I grinned before throwing myself out into the cool night.

I wasn't sure if wolves could smile, really, but that night, as I raced back to La Push, I thought I was.


	7. Unexpected

A few days had passed since Jake and I had been alone in my room. Now he was showing up at normal hours of the day, mostly hanging out with Charlie and I in the living room, and staying to eat dinner, too. Edward seemed to have disappeared for the moment. As much as I hated to admit it to myself, I sort of wished he hadn't. It seemed really unfair that Edward was holding true to my request, and giving me some space, while Jake was constantly in my presence. True, Jake hadn't tried anything since our last passionate encounter in front of my desk, but just him being there jumbled my thoughts, making it impossible to think clearly.

It was almost a nice day out, with no rain, and only very high clouds in the sky. I awkwardly shoved my way through the front door, my arms laden with grocery bags. From the living room, Charlie was slowly getting to his feet. I kicked the door closed, and struggled to the kitchen, heaving the bags on the counter top. The fridge was in desperate need of filling. And instead of sitting around brooding, waiting for either the tidal wave of pain or the insurmountable depression to bombard me, I had gone grocery shopping. The familiar activity had been a good distraction, allowing my thoughts to _finally_ go silent. I began unloading the groceries just as Charlie rounded the corner.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey dad," I glanced over at him. He was frowning at the floor. I slowly set a jar of spaghetti sauce on the counter. Several moments passed, and he didn't say anything. I chewed my lip. "So, what's up?" I finally asked. Charlie slowly raised his face, his mouth a narrow line.

"Well, I got this in the mail today," he laid down a thick, expensive envelope with a sheet of pricy parchment just visible from the top. My stomach dropped. "Something you want to tell me, Bella?" I swallowed, not quite sure _what_ _thing_ he was talking about.

"The wedding," I said slowly, whisking more groceries out of their bags.

"Yep," he nodded. "What happened?" Simple, and blunt.

"I'm . . . not ready yet," I hesitated, sure he could hear half-truth in my voice. He didn't seem convinced. His arms crossed and he leaned against the corner of the wall.

"This about Jake?" he asked after a second. I sighed,

"Yeah, it's about Jake," I admitted.

"Alright then," he nodded. "Well, I think you're doing the right thing, kid. 18 is a damn young age to get married at."

"Right," I agreed, stuffing rolls of hamburger in the freezer.

"And personally," he said, as he turned to leave, "I like Jake a hell of a lot better." I groaned, rubbing my forehead with the back of my hand.

"Thanks, dad," I told his retreating back.

"Sure thing," he shuffled off to the living room. As soon as he had disappeared behind his easy chair, I picked up the envelope and ripped the thick paper out, smoothing it on the counter.

It was an un-invitation, if such a thing existed. Alice worked quick. I stuffed the paper back in the envelope, my heart beating uncomfortably against my ribs. That was it, the wedding was off. A strange remorse swelled up in me. I quickly threw the notice in the trash, willing it away. Today had been going so well, I really didn't want to do this, not now.

I set to making a big Shepard's pie for dinner, my hands flowing smoothy from one task to the next, with little prompting from my mind. I kept my thoughts carefully fixed on mundane topics, like the weather, and which college I was going to apply to, (because now, I _really_ had to pick something), and what time dinner would be done. The conflict in my chest; the hollow, empty hole, and the raging, burning fire that licked at the edges, seemed momentarily quelled. Maybe focusing more on these mundane sort of tasks was healthier for me.

The phone rang. I wiped my hands on a dish towel and answered it.

"Bella," my mom's voice gushed. "Oh baby, I just got the rescinded invitation. What _happened_?" I groaned, pushing my hand against my forehead.

"It's not a big deal, mom," I sighed, trying to calm her down. "I'm just not . . . ready for this, not yet."

"Oh honey," my mom sounded like she was going to cry. "It's okay, you wait as long as you need. No one's forcing you to get married right now. Are you and Edward okay?"

"Um," I hesitated, "we're actually kinda going through some stuff."

"Oh, I'm so sorry," Renee moaned. "I wondered why you weren't answering my emails. Well, don't you worry sweetheart, everything's okay. You take all the time you need."

"Yeah, I will," I said. "Look, mom, I love you. I have to go, dinner's almost ready."

"Alright baby, call me later," my mom said.

"I will, bye mom." I hung up, my insides twisting. I realized that I really _wasn't_ ready to get married, not yet. The thought of walking down the aisle . . . no, I couldn't do it. Not even with someone as painfully beautiful as Edward.

The really troublesome thing about being finished with school was all the sudden free time on my hands. I went upstairs after dinner and blew through seven college applications online, just for something to do. I was so preoccupied, I didn't even notice half of the places I was applying to. The wind was whipping outside, moaning through the trees. For spring, it was unseasonably cold. It took me a few minutes to notice that there was a gentle ticking noise, not coming from the branches tapping on my windows. I picked myself up and threw the window open, sticking my head out into the gale.

"Hey," Jacob called up softly from the back yard. "Can you come out, for a little while?" I bit my cheek. Charlie was already asleep. I could technically come and go as I pleased now; I was an adult, after all.

"Yeah, okay," I said softly. I didn't doubt he could hear me anyway, even over the blustery gusts howling through the air. I slid the window shut, and padded myself out in heavier clothing. It was chilly outside.

"Hey, Bella," Jacob was twisting a piece of grass between his fingers, smiling. I smiled back. Like always, it was impossible not to feel happy around him, when he was acting normally, anyway.

"So," I said, stopping a careful distance from him. "What are we doing?"

"I thought you could use a walk," he grinned.

"It's almost midnight, and it's freezing," I protested. A particularly nasty gust of ice-cold wind blew past me just then, emphasizing my point.

"Aw, come on," he pulled a pout. "You won't get cold if you're next to me." I sighed, shaking my head.

"Fine," I said after minute, "let's just be quick about it."

"Sure, sure," he wrapped his arm around my waist. I didn't pull away. It _was _cold out tonight.

Jacob took a meandering path, leading us deep into the forest. The wind was much slighter here. I sighed as a particularly large clump of trees formed a barrier, practically cutting it out altogether. The clouds were beginning to roll in with a vengeance now. The moonlight was completely cut off, housing us in darkness.

"Where are we going?" I asked as we wandered, not following any particular path, for about a mile.

"You'll see," I could hear the smile in Jake's voice, even though I couldn't see it. He folded his hand into mine suddenly, "Oh, it's just up here." He began jogging. I followed along, barely managing to keep my feet. He was so excited, it made me smile. "Here," his voice was suddenly a whisper. I heard a thicket of bushes being pushed away, and I was carefully pulled through a gap. Jake dutifully held the branches back until I was on the other side. I looked around the tight circle of trees, and gasped.

Dancing amid the small clearing where hundreds of fireflies, their thoraxes flashing a cool yellow color, flickering on and off like countless loose light bulbs. I felt my cheeks ache from grinning so widely. It brought back a small pang of homesickness, for Arizona.

"I haven't seen fireflies in years," I sighed, watching them dance around.

"People think they don't live around here," Jake was smiling too, "but the pale faces never really look in these parts of the woods. I think they like how sheltered it is." I chuckled,

"They must, wow, they are so many of them!" I took a few careful steps forward, watching their hypnotic dances. I could still hear the wind whistling through the trees, but it didn't penetrate into the clearing. It was like we were in some kind of a bubble. "Thanks, Jacob," I said softly after a long silence.

"I thought it would make you happy," he murmured, slipping his fingers through mine.

"You were right," I replied quietly. We watched the bugs flit around for a few quiet minutes. Suddenly, Jacob stiffened next to me; a low, almost undetectable growl escaped from his lips. I turned when he did, my weak eyes desperately raking the shadows.

"What do you want?" he snarled suddenly, dropping my hand and stepping in front of me. I felt my stomach drop. Edward stepped from behind the trees, looking bitter.

"Is this what you meant by time?" he demanded.

"It's not what it-" I started, but Jake cut across me.

"So, what if it is?" he challenged, still standing between Edward and I.

"I thought you were trying to be fair, Bella," Edward murmured, his eyes finding mine, even through all the gloom.

"He just wanted to show me this," I waved my hand behind us. "It doesn't mean what you think it does." Now Jake turned, eying me carefully. I heard Edward groan,

"Yes, obviously," he snapped.

"What?" I demanded, trying to get around Jacob so I could see him properly.

"The mutt was telling me he thinks he's won you," his tone was cool, "and I can _clearly see_ why he'd make that assumption. You've lied to me, Bella."

"No," I cried, now stepping completely around Jake. "I never lied to you, Edward. I _do_ still need time to think."

"Of course," his voice was clipped, "so you can while it away with him, without my interference."

"If I want to spend time with Jacob, that's my business," I growled, feeling a hot flash of anger.

"It is, indeed," Edward agreed wistfully. He started towards me, his eyes locked into mine. Jacob stuck his arm out before he could reach me.

"Close enough, pal," he snarled. Frustrated, Edward threw his arm aside. What happened next was almost too fast for me to see. With a terrible ripping noise, Jake suddenly shifted, his huge wolf form blocking Edward completely from me. Edward attempted to dart around him on the left, but Jake recklessly bowled into him, and they both went spiraling backwards, toppling over a huge, red alder. I ran forward, crying,

"No, no, please stop! Both of you, stop it!" I could have been one of the fireflies, for all they cared. I watched in horror as Edward tried to get his hands around Jake's neck, and Jacob sunk his teeth into Edward's fingers. Ear-piercing howls could faintly be heard from somewhere far away. Jacob backed off, snarling.

"I want to speak to you Bella," Edward said in a tight tone, "_alone_, if you please." I nodded, looking over at Jake. His canine eyes narrowed.

"I'll be right back," I said softly, patting his large, russet colored head. He let out a sort of wolfish groan.

I stepped carefully, managing to reach where Edward stood without tripping over anything. He took my hand, and guided me out of the little sheltered bubble. The wind immediately cut through me, making me wrap my arms around my middle.

"So," he turned smoothly on his heel, facing me. "You and Jacob."

"It's not . . . _exactly_ like that," I sighed.

"That's not what he thinks," Edward murmured.

"It's . . . complicated," I finished lamely.

"I see," Edward was pacing now, slowly. "Bella," he stopped in front of me, his cold hands stroking my cheek. "Do you remember what I told you, that day you came to Italy?" My heart began racing.

"Yes," I whispered.

"You _are_ my very reason for existence. Without you, I do not wish to be in this world." My mouth went dry.

"Don't say that, Edward," I pleaded. I had a strange urge to run up and throw my arms around him.

"I'm not saying I wouldn't survive on, if you wanted me to," his hand traveled down my arm, and he rested it on top of mine, "but please understand, you are my entire world."

"I don't see how," I mumbled, my throat seeming to swell. "It's never made sense, Edward. Never."

"I know," he smiled. "At first, all I thirsted for was your blood, and now, like the utterly selfish creature that I am, I'm demanding so much more. I want your heart, and your soul, kept alongside mine, for all eternity." His cold lips pressed against my hand, sending chills of pleasure up my spine. "I'm not asking for anything tonight, Bella," he said quietly, "but if you would please, give me an equal chance to win you back over. The odds aren't in my favor, if Jacob can spend all of the time he wants around you, while I am denied the same."

"Of course," I said softly. That did seem like the fairest thing to do. Edward's eyes suddenly focused behind me. He didn't let go of my hand, but I had a feeling Jacob was back there, now.

"Okay," his voice was scathing, "you've given her your little message. Now, beat it. As far as I'm concerned, I've got her for tonight."

"Of course," Edward carefully let go of my hand, "that is, if you're okay with that, Bella?" I couldn't pry my teeth open to speak, so I nodded, looking warily between the two of them. "Then, perhaps tomorrow night?" he asked me gently. Again, I could just manage a short nod. He smiled. "Enjoy your evening." He darted through the trees; I lost track of him after only a few yards.

"Stupid bloodsucker," Jake hissed, his fists clenched tightly. I turned, frowning at him.

"He's just trying to even things out a little," I muttered. "If I was a decent person, I would have already put that rule into motion."

"You are a decent person, Bella," Jake sighed, "I wish you'd stop saying that." We stood silently in the trees for a little while. Finally, Jacob pushed a deep breath out of his lungs. "Right, well this sort of lost its romantic edge," he admitted. "I guess I'll take you back now."

"Alright," I replied. His hot hand wrapped around mine, and he carefully lead me through the woods, until we emerged into the boundaries of my back yard once more.

"Jake," I turned, "that was really, _really_ sweet of you. It made me kind of homesick, actually." I gave him a wistful smile. He managed to lift the corners of his mouth,

"Yeah, I was hoping you'd like he," he said. "Look, I don't mind, you seeing the blo- Edward," he spat his name out. "I think I can handle the competition, this time."

"I'm glad," I said sternly, "because I swear, if you two go at it like that again, I'm leaving." Jacob's face crumpled a little.

"Seriously?"

"Seriously," I snapped.

"I'll make sure I don't start anything, then." He pressed his fiery lips to my forehead. "Goodnight, Bells."

"Night, Jake," I murmured, my heart beating wildly against my chest.

The next week passed in a strange kind of blur. I switched off each day, either spending time with Edward or Jacob, depending. It was getting a little frustrating; I felt like I was tug-of-war rope, being hauled back and forth. Or maybe even a toy, being passed around. I put up with it because I knew their careful agreement couldn't last long, they hated each other way too much.

Even though they hadn't proved otherwise to me yet, I was pretty sure I was going to end up being right, and that terrified me.

I was walking down first beach with Jake, holding his hand. The day was blissfully sultry, with weak sunshine just breaking through the wooly clouds overhead. Jacob was on edge. When I asked him what was wrong, his answer surprised me.

"That pack," he muttered, "the Blackfoot tribe. They still haven't showed. I can't figure out what would be taking them so long."

"I'm sorry," I murmured. I knew, of course, that there obviously hadn't been an attack yet. Jacob had to cancel on me Saturday, because Sam was calling for extra patrol rounds. The entire reservation seemed on edge to me, actually.

"Sam thinks it's a tactic; they're lulling us into a false sense of security, or something. I guess they'd figured we'd warn the lee- Cullens'," he snorted. I walked silently next to him for a little while. A dim part of me hoped that maybe there wouldn't be an attack at all, but I knew that was just wishful thinking. Not a single year could pass in this place without someone trying to kill a person I loved. I heaved a short sigh. "Doing okay?" Jake looked sideways at me.

"Yeah, just sort of sick of conflict, you know?" He nodded silently.

"We don't have to go to the tide pools, if you don't want to," he told me. "I just remember when we were kids, you really liked them."

"I still do," I protested. "And besides, it's not raining. We need to do something to celebrate." Jacob gave out a short, barking laugh.

"Not quite my idea of celebrating," he smiled. "But, if that's what you want to do, we'll do it." I smiled back.

Some rules had to be put in place, for all of this to work out. I knew they were much harder on Jacob then they were on Edward. I had told them both that kissing was now prohibited. I hated that swell of shame I got from feeling like I was being shared between them. The other thing was, my room was off limits, unless it was daytime. Both of them had sort of grumbled about that one, but so far, neither of them had tried to push it. And the other absolution I had put my foot down about was that sex was off limits, too. As far as I was concerned, what Jacob and I had shared was sort of a one-time thing, at least until all this confusion was over. Edward had readily agreed to that, while Jacob had been pretty upset. That had made me fairly angry him. I hadn't realized he had been expecting something like that to happen again. At least, not quite so soon.

I allowed Jake to lead me up the sandy beach, and through the almost mountainous forest. A bad storm had ripped through the shoreline recently. Several trees had been knocked down. It took longer than usual to reach the tide pools, because I had to stop so often and carefully climb over them. Jacob vaulted across the tops like he was some sort of athlete, patiently helping me to the other side.

"Here we go," Jake held my hand while I traversed a slippery bit of rock. I sat on the edge of it, carefully clutching the sides so I wouldn't suddenly fall off. He hopped down next to me. We sat and stared at the little miniature aquariums for a while, sharing a comfortable silence. Jake let out a content sigh.

"I never care what we do," he confessed suddenly, "as long as I'm with you, everything's perfect." I felt my cheeks redden.

"Same here," I said quietly, giving him a small smile.

"I hope I get this everyday, for the rest of my life," he stared out over the small pools, his gaze seeming a hundred miles away. I watched quietly, wondering what our future looked like to him. I almost asked, but stopped myself; if things didn't work out between us, a question like that would probably just haunt him later.

The sun started ebbing down the horizon, spraying a chaotic, multicolored hue across the clouds.

"I should get you home," Jake said. The air was cooling off quickly, and I shivered, despite myself. "Come here," he wrapped his warm arms around me, blocking the chilly wind. I stood carefully, my feet trying really hard to slip on the wet, mossy rocks. Jacob grasped my hand, steadying me. He gently pulled me away, to flatter ground, walking just a little ways ahead, before he let go of my hand. I followed, my eyes darting from the ground to the sunset. Of course, my feet were still trying to kill me.

"Whoa, watch it!" Jacob shouted, but a second too late. The toe of my boot got caught under a loose rock; I overcompensated my balance, trying too hard not to fall forward and _instead_ went hurtling backwards. I saw Jake's hand reaching out for me, but he missed my fingertips by inches. I felt myself go crashing back towards the tide-pools, rolling head over feet. My body bounced off of several sharp rocks along the way. A particularly big one jolted into my ribs, sending me spiraling at an awkward angle. My arm caught the rough, crooked edge a huge boulder gouging from the earth, and there was a sickening pain. The spinning world suddenly darkened around me.

"She's waking up," I heard a familiar voice next to my head.

"I swear, I need to put this kid in a plastic bubble," Charlie groaned, sounding exhausted. I pried my eyes open, blinking them rapidly, as bright florescence blinded me. It took only a few moments to understand where I was. Jacob was sitting next to me in a low chair, his hands both wrapped around my left one, looking ravaged with worry. Above me, Charlie was leaning against the bed, shaking his head slowly. I was in the hospital, _again._

"Jake," I groaned. Not even a small inch of me felt unbruised.

"Hey Bells," Jake sighed, sounding relieved.

"Hey kiddo," my dad leaned over me. "Looks like you did it again."

"How bad?" I asked, squeezing my eyes shut.

"Broken arm, and two cracked ribs. They still haven't x-rayed you," Jake muttered, sounding hostile.

"Maybe they're busy," I offered. My skull was tender, and the light made it throb.

"You're awake," an entirely different voice said. Carlisle walked into the room, carrying a clipboard. "If you gentleman will excuse me, I have something to discuss with my patient." I felt my stomach quiver, for some reason. Maybe it was because he had referred to me as, 'his patient,' like we were complete strangers.

"Let's go grab some food, Jake," Charlie said. Jacob leaned over and planted a hot kiss on my forehead.

"Be right back," he promised. I nodded, then winced. Carlisle waited until they had left the room, then slowly closed the door, seeming to avoid my eyes.

"What is it?" I asked, definitely feeling a panic raise in my chest.

"Well," he leafed through his papers, almost like he was fidgeting. "As Jacob said, we haven't x-rayed you. And there's a very good reason." He paused. I waited, the panic just getting wilder.

"Why?" I finally demanded.

"You're pregnant, Bella." His voice paused for only half of a second, giving me no time to absorb what he was saying. "We couldn't collect an x-ray without informing you, or getting your consent." My mind froze. I laid there, gaping, my lips moving wordlessly. Carlisle stared down at me, then said, very gently, "Congratulations, to both you, and Mr. Black."

"W-w-what?" I gasped, my hands automatically pressing to my abdomen.

"We ran your blood tests twice," Carlisle said softly, "if you had come in, even a few days earlier, it wouldn't have shown up." I felt a deep blush spread slowly across my cheeks, reddening my entire face.

"And . . . does . . .anyone else know?" I managed, my lips trembling.

"Of course not," Carlisle gave me a small smile, "I am bound by doctor-patient confidentiality, and you are legally an adult, Miss Swan."

"So, you won't say anything . . . to anyone," I asked in a small voice.

"No," he sighed, "but I think you should." He took my hand, his freezing skin almost soothing against how hotly it burned, and gave it a gentle squeeze. "Now, I must let you know that, in your current state, there is very little risk to the fetus if we preform an x-ray, but there is still a small chance of it causing complications due to minor amounts of radiation." His tone had shifted smoothly into very matter-of-fact, and business-like. "It would be very helpful to us, if we could make sure you haven't suffered any other injuries."

"What-what do you think?" I stuttered. My brain wasn't processing things normally.

"I would recommend you get it," he replied smoothly.

"Okay," I nodded, my head throbbing.

"I'll have the nurse come around in a few minutes," Dr. Cullen replied in a pleasant tone. As soon as he left the room, I slipped into a sort of dazed panic. It didn't go away for a very long time.


	8. A New Path

Man, I was freaking _tense_. We all were. Almost two weeks had passed since we'd gotten the heads-up from the Blackfoot tribe, and we still hadn't seen hide or hair of them. Not that we weren't looking; our patrols had pushed out through Idaho, almost to the border of Montana. Wherever the hell they were, they didn't seem to be on their way, not from what we could tell.

It was frustrating. I was almost desperate for a fight, any kind of fight. It wasn't just the looming anticipation of a skirmish, either. Bella had been so . . .gone lately. Ever since her trip to the hospital. I really couldn't understand it first, I wondered if maybe I'd pissed her off, because I'd just missed catching her as she fell, (something the stupid bloodsucker wouldn't have done). But, after a few more days, I realized that couldn't be it. She'd given up talking to me. I tried calling, stopping by, and once even climbed the huge black ash in her backyard, to see if she was in her room. She was, but she refused to open her window, and had answered by closing her curtains. Her face had been pale and ragged with worry.

Maybe I was just being paranoid, but right after that had happened, I'd gone and stalked around the bloodsucker's house. I knew it was dumb, they'd be able to smell me coming a mile off. They didn't seem to care when I showed up, though. Edward was closed up in his a room, laying on a huge, gaudy, four-poster bed. Even from a distance I could hear a steady thrum coming from a top-of-the-line sound system. I couldn't pick up his scent very easily around their land; he hadn't been out in awhile. Weird.

So, she'd stopped seeing me, and the bloodsucker. What did that mean? The question grated at me, needling through my head, over and over again. It was maddening, a tiny nudge that toppled me over the edge. My mood swings were suddenly quick and wild. I'd go from these sweeping bouts of depression that kept my glued to my narrow bed, laying in the dark. And hours later I'd be off in this intense rage, sometimes needing 12 hours of sprinting through the woods just to get rid of it. I felt like a plank of wood with too much weight piled across me; one more stone and I would completely snap. And who the hell knows what would happen after that?

It came as a complete surprise to me when, one day, while I was laying in my room, moping, I suddenly heard the achingly familiar roar of her truck, just entering the boundaries of La Push. I sprang up, my heart racing, and hurtled through our small house, startling the crap out of Billy, who was watching our tiny TV set in the living room.

"Son?" He called after me.

"Be right back!" I shouted as I sprinted out the door. My feet flew across the dirt roads of the village, a few people had to dodge out of my way as I careened towards the boundaries. I hadn't even seen her face yet, and already, I was lighter, my heart soaring. I didn't give a crap if she was just here to tell me off, I'd get to hear her voice. I caught up with her easily, beaming through the window of her truck. Confused, she pulled over; her truck's thunderous roar was abruptly cut off.

"Bella!" I cried, pulling open her door. Before she could stop me, I had practically lifted her out of her seat, crushing her to me. "You're here!" I set her down, still grinning.

"Yeah," she sighed. It was then that I noticed how pale she was. I mean, she was always pale, _really_ pale, to me, but this was different. There was a bluish hue around her eyes, suggesting she hadn't seen much sleep, and her lips where dry, kind of cracked, like maybe she'd been throwing up or crying or something. Her hair was lank, hanging limply around her face. I immediately felt a swell of panic. She looked awful.

"Whoa," I gasped, stroking her face. "Bella, honey, what's wrong?" She bit her lip, and shook her head, tears quick to form in her eyes.

"We . . . we really need to talk," she murmured, her eyes darting around nervously, noting all the people milling about.

"Sure, sure," I said. "Get in, I'll get us to my house." She nodded mutely, slipping back into her truck and scooted to the passenger side. I started it up, and carefully drove us back to my place, parking the truck just off to the side. "Let's go to the garage," I suggested, throwing my door open. Again, she just nodded, though her face was gaunt with unease. My heart was beating painfully in my chest. Whatever the hell was happening, it must have been really, _really_ bad.

I led the way, keeping an eye on Bella as we walked. Her arm was in a heavy cast, and I wouldn't put it past her to somehow manage to get another one, if I didn't watch her feet for her.

We entered the coolly lit garage. I immediately pulled open the door to my Rabbit, leaving the driver's seat to her, and took a the only other chair in the place, a wobbly, spinning bar stool that I had scavenged from Embry's trash years ago.

"Talk to me, Bella," I said seriously, "what's going on?" Her lower lip started to tremble. Horrified, I watched as she burst into tears, her sobs gently shuddering the Rabbit. "Whoa," I protested, on my feet and crouched in front of her in seconds. "Bells, calm down. Wow, what is going on?" I wrapped my arms around her while she continued to cry, soaking the shoulder of my t-shirt. I held her for awhile, letting her tears run out, until she was reduced to a stuttered breathing, wiping her nose and cheeks on her sleeves.

"Sorry," she mumbled, sweeping her hair behind her ears. "It's just . . . I'm not sure how to say this."

"Is about the wedding, or something?" I asked. I had gotten the weird letter that had called it off, but that didn't mean anything. She could have changed her mind.

"No," she shook her head, "I was sort of relieved that they had told everyone so quickly."

"Okay, so what's up?"

"Oh," she moaned, looking like she was going to start up again. I grasped her hand, hoping maybe it would steady her. She took a few deep breaths, sniffling.

"Something's . . . happened," she started slowly. I met her eyes; they were so worried, so afraid, that I nearly hugged her. I chewed my cheek anxiously.

"Okay," I prompted, "so, something's happened. What? What's happened Bells?"

"At the hospital . . . they told me . . . they said . . ." the words seemed stuck in her mouth. Her hand was flat against the lower part of her stomach, and her lips were trembling.

It hit me. A bolt of lightning, wracking my body with a spasm of disbelief. Wide eyed, I looked from her fear-stricken expression, down to her belly, over and over again.

"You're pregnant," I breathed. Bella squeezed her eyes shut, fresh tears coursing her cheeks, and nodded fervently. I sat silently for a few minutes, my expression unchanged. "You're pregnant," I repeated softly. She sobbed. _Of course, she's pregnant! _My mind exploded. Of course. It wasn't like I had shown up that night . . . prepared. How could I have known, that we were going to . . .? I let the thought trail off, trying to wrap my head around what she had just confirmed.

A small swell of heat was forming in my chest. I didn't recognized what it was for a few, stunned moments. Suddenly, it grew too intense to ignore. Elation coursed through my veins. My lips formed a stunned smile. "You're pregnant!" I exclaimed, surprised that a few tears came out of my eyes. "Bella, honey, you're pregnant!" She sucked in a shaky breath, staring at me. I pulled her to her feet, and picked her up, spinning her gently around. "We're having my baby," I sang, kissing her over and over again. Her face was relaxing slightly. "Oh my god, I'm going to be a dad!" She managed a shaky kind of laugh.

"Yeah," she gasped. It was _so_ good to see that small smile. I pushed her hair from her face with my hands, and kissed her, deeply, in a way that I hadn't been able to for weeks. Screw boundaries, and rules, and conflict. She was pregnant, with _my _child. My chest swelled with pride.

Her mouth was softer than I remembered, and the sensations overwhelmed me, coaxing a hotter fire through my body. For half of a second, I almost forgot why were kissing. It was just enough that we were. My skin raised as her fingers trailed down my spine. Apparently, the hard part had been telling me, because I could feel her relaxing now, almost melting, in my arms.

"I'm so happy," I murmured in her ear. "You have no idea." She managed a sort of choking laugh.

"I think I do," she mumbled, her cheek resting on my chest. I pulled back, studying her face. I knew I was standing there, just grinning like an idiot, but I couldn't help it. This was literally the best thing that had ever happened to me.

"I love you Bella. I love you so much," I whispered as I looked into her watery, chocolate colored eyes. She lifted the corner of her mouth.

"I love you, Jake," she murmured. My eyes slid shut at her words, the words I could never hear enough of. I opened them, still grinning.

"So, have you told anyone else yet?" I asked, guiding her to sit back down.

"No," she murmured, "I wouldn't have done that, not before telling you." I nodded. I had certainly hoped as much.

"What about Edward?" I asked, carefully watching her face for her reaction. She shook her head,

"I was going to do that later today, after you and I had a chance to talk," she admitted.

"I'm going with you," I said at once.

"No, Jake, it's-" I cupped her cheek in my hand, making her look up at me.

"I'm going with you," I insisted. "As far as I'm concerned, you're gonna have to get use to me being around, Bells. I sure as hell won't let you go talk to that bloodsucker without me. Don't even argue." She chewed her cheek, but slowly nodded. "Good." I felt a surge of relief. Yeah, I would have gone, either way, but it was easier if she just agreed. There was no way she was meeting up with that monster alone, not in her current condition. "So," I lightened my tone, "when do I get to tell my pops?"

"Oh," Bella looked like she was deflating a little, "I . . .guess whenever you want," she said hesitantly. I grimaced slightly.

"Is this what you want?" My voice was low, and serious. I didn't want her to go along with something just to make me happy. She totally would, she was kinda stupid like that. To my relief, her expression strengthened.

"I'm happy about the baby," she said softly, her hand rubbing her flat abdomen, "I guess, I just never really thought about having kids. It wasn't in the . . . the ultimate plan. But, I am _really_ happy." I softly kissed her lips, sitting back on my heels.

"Good," I smiled. _Yes!_ "Alright," I stood up, offering her my hand. "Let's go tell my dad."

"Right now?" she looked at me warily, getting to her feet.

"Hell yes! Do you know how hard he'd hit me in the shins, if I kept his from him?"

"You don't think he'll be . . . upset?"

"Upset?" I waved my hand, "you're carrying his grandchild, Bells. He'll be totally stoked."

"Alright," she muttered, seeming unconvinced.

"You're having a baby?" Billy asked, looking back and forth between us. Bella nodded, her eyes locked to the ground, her hair falling around her face, hiding it. "Well, that's wonderful!" Surprised, she looked back up, and managed a small smile. I wrapped my arm around her, kissing her forehead. "Come here," Billy held his arms open. Bella bent over and embraced him. Behind her back, my dad held out his hand, shaking mine enthusiastically. Billy was beaming, as I had pretty much expected. Having a child was cause for celebration among the tribe. No one really cared how old you were, or if you were ready, or even if you could pay for it. A baby was new life, a new member of our proud heritage. I had always felt the same way, though maybe that was because I had it pounded into my head so many times as a kid. "I'm so happy, for both of you," Billy sighed, smiling widely up at us. "Have you told Charlie, yet?"

"No," Bella gasped quickly. "No . . . not yet." Billy nodded slowly,

"Well, I'm sure once we gets over the initial shock, he'll be happy." My dad met my eyes. He was communicating something to me, without words. I already knew what it was about, so I nodded. We'd talk, later.

"When do you want to talk to Charlie?" I asked, turning to face her.

"I dunno," she murmured. "Maybe . . . tomorrow, or something."

"Make sure you do it before the play-offs," Billy suggested. "We were actually suppose to watch it together," he shook his head, ruefully. "Maybe I'll see how he's feeling, first." Bella nodded, grimacing slightly. "Don't worry, Bella," Billy laughed, "he will be alright, after awhile." Billy reached out, patting her flat stomach. "You're having my grandson, after all."

"Grandson?" she managed a small smile. "I think it's a girl."

"No," Billy teased, "I can tell. It's going to be a boy." He winked at me.

"Yeah, alright dad," I smiled. My dad was quiet for a second, then he said, more seriously,

"Well, we have some empty houses next to first beach. I'll ask around a little, see if I can't get you guys into one. You'll need a place to live."

"Dad," I started immediately, "we haven't even talked about that yet. I mean, Bella isn't officially a member of the tribe. She might not want to live here."

"She would be an official member," my father was suddenly stern, "if you'd-"

"Okay, okay!" I raised my hands, shouting over the end of his sentence. I gave him a look that plainly said, _not now. _Billy raised an eyebrow, but nodded slowly.

"I wouldn't mind living here," Bella said softly. "I love La Push." My chest felt warm when she said that.

"And you, Jake," Billy pointed a finger at me, "you need a job."

"Yeah," I agreed. "I have some ideas already."

"I should probably find a college pretty quick, too," Bella replied, frowning. "And Jake, you need to finish school. Don't you dare drop out because of the baby. We need to make sure we can provide for it in the long run." I rolled my eyes,

"Bells, I haven't been in school since I shifted." Her eyes widened,

"You're serious," she said after a few moments. Billy sighed,

"Yeah, we can't risk having one of the kids shift in class, if something makes them mad. It's better, all around, to just have them drop out."

"But," Bella immediately protested, "you can control it now!" Her face was suddenly stern, making me smirk. "You _need_ to go back to school, Jacob Black."

"Sure, sure," I said airily. I would consider it, if it made her happy, but school had never really been my thing.

"Well, you kids hungry?" Billy asked, wheeling around to the kitchen. "I know I am."

"Want to eat dinner here?" I asked Bella. She nodded,

"Yes, but afterwords, I really need to go talk to Edward."

"Fair enough," I murmured, taking her hand.

I parked in front of the bloodsuckers house, eying it warily. Bella was sitting tensely, her face stricken with worry. I reached over, taking her hand.

"It's going to be okay, honey," I said quietly.

"I know," she murmured, "I just hate . . . this is really, really going to hurt him." I chewed my cheek, trying hard not to be a complete jerk, for her sake. I had won, and that was all I had really wanted out of this. It wouldn't do anyone much good if I was a gloating, antagonistic ass about it. I had to grow up, not just for Bella, but for the baby, too.

"Well," I said slowly, carefully choosing my words. "It had to be one of us, Bells. I know that you didn't want to hurt either of us, but in this kind of situation, it's unavoidable." She nodded, chewing on the corner of her thumb for a moment.

"Could you . . . give me a second to talk to him alone? I'll stay out front, so you can see us, but I don't want . . . I don't want you guys arguing."

"Yeah, alright," I sighed.

"Thanks," she said softly, getting out of the car. I watched her walk to the door.

Of course, the bloodsucker was outside before she even reached it. And no doubt, he already knew why she was here. I wasn't bothering to keep my thoughts in check. I wanted us out of here as fast as possible, and if he already knew what was happening, that just meant there'd be less need for conversation. Edward walked carefully towards her, his face a smooth mask.

"Congratulations, Bella," he said softly, kissing her cheek. I rolled my eyes.

"T-t-thanks," she said breathlessly. "I'm . . . so sorry, Edward."

"Don't be," he soothed. Of course, he was being perfectly noble about this whole thing. It was good, I supposed. I didn't want Bella stressing out, not even a little. Apparently, he didn't either. I may have hated his guts, but I had to admit, _begrudgingly_ admit, that Edward wasn't exactly a bad guy. He was just a complete tool. "Are you happy, Bella?" I heard him ask her softly. Even from the car, it sounded like they were having the conversation right next to me.

"Yes," she murmured. I was relieved to see that it looked like she meant it.

"Then I'm happy," he assured her. I watched as he pulled her into a gentle hug. His eyes turned to me suddenly. I didn't need any other prompt. He wanted to talk to me. I sighed, and slid out of the car. "I'd like to speak with Jacob for a moment, if you don't mind," he told her quietly. She saw me walking towards them, panic obvious on her face.

"Don't worry, Bells," I said, cramming my keys in my pocket, but never taking my eyes off him. "We're just gonna talk."

"I don't know . . ." she mumbled, taking a few hesitant steps back.

"We'll just be over here," Edward gestured to a spot far enough away that she wouldn't be able to hear us, but close enough that she could clearly see us.

"Seriously," I wrapped my arm around her waist and gently kissed her forehead, "I'll be right back."

"Okay," she sighed, cluing in that she really didn't have a choice. I followed the bloodsucker across his ridiculously huge yard, wishing the wind would blow a different direction. Even when I breathed through my mouth, I could taste that disgustingly sweet scent. It made me sick.

"What?" I asked, stopping a few yards from him, my hands balled up into fists in my pockets.

"Promise me," Edward said quietly, his eyes studying Bella, "that you will take care of her."

"Yeah," I nodded, squaring my jaw.

"And if for any reason," his voice was low, "you should ever decide that you don't want her, you will come find me."

"Won't happen, dude," I said quickly. He turned his eyes to me, and heaved a sigh, his breath burning my nose.

"No, it won't," he said softly. "Then, just keep her safe, please."

"Sure," I ground my teeth a few times. He stiffly held out his hand. I grasped it briefly, noting that we were both squeezing hard enough to break a normal man's bones.

"You're a very lucky man, Jacob Black," he said blithely, releasing his grasp. "I wish you two the best."

"Thanks," my jaw clenched again.

I was relieved when I got to shuffle Bella back into the car, and get the hell out of there.

It was late. Bella and I were up in her room, laying quietly together, listening to a storm rage outside. Sam was going to scalp me when I finally turned up. I was suppose to be on a double patrol tonight. Our numbers were spread pretty thin right now, with half the pack doing regular scouts hundreds of miles away. It was only after some pretty shameful begging that I had even managed to convince Sam that I needed to stay close to home. Bella hadn't been talking to me at the time, of course, but I couldn't stand being away from her, either way. I glanced down at her, staring at the way the dim lights in the room reflected off of her hair. She seemed so much lighter now, almost like she was glowing. I had heard that pregnant women did do that, but not until later. It must have just been me.

I stroked my fingers through her hair, thinking. I really wasn't trying to ruin the moment, but something was kind of bugging me. With everything that had happened today, Bella had never actually said anything about us being officially together. It was probably a stupid thing for me to worry about, but I couldn't let it go. She was having my child, I wanted some kind of reassurance that she'd be sticking around. Even though Edward had seemed pretty accepting of giving her up for good, I knew that if she wanted him back, he wouldn't hesitate to whisk her away. F_ar_ away, probably. I brooded for a moment, trying to figure out how to best brooch the topic. Finally, I gave up on being tactful about it.

"Bells," I murmured in her ear.

"Hmm?" she was almost asleep. I shifted, gently rolling her over.

"Are we . . . together now?" Her eyes opened, and she looked up at me.

"I would think so," she murmured.

"And you're sure, absolutely sure, this is what you want?" I asked. She frowned a little,

"I'm not unhappy, Jake," she said gently.

"That's not what I asked," I muttered, automatically feeling a stab of dread.

"Yes, Jake, this is what I want," she said quickly, catching my expression. I shook my head.

"Damn it, Bella," I mumbled, "you were going to go back to him, weren't you?"

"No," she struggled to sit up. I eased her forward, minding the heavy cast on her arm, and slid my legs out, leaning against the headboard.

"Then, what's up?" I asked, keeping my voice soft.

"I still didn't know," she admitted, pulling her hair back. "But, this happened," her hand waved to her belly. "I'm okay with it." I closed my eyes for half a second, taking a deep breath.

"So . . . this really isn't you coming to me willingly," I said after a moment.

"Not technically, but who knows how long that would have taken?" she replied. "I really wasn't getting anywhere with it."

"Great," I sighed. _Freaking awesome_.

"Hey," Bella's hand gently touched my face, brushing my hair back. "Don't be like this, Jake." Her soft skin made my cheeks redden.

"You're making it kinda hard not to," I told her honestly. "I mean, it's not exactly an ego boost, you know? Hearing that your girlfriend is only hanging around because you knocked her up."

"You know that's not the only reason," she insisted. "I do love you, Jacob."

"And him," I muttered bitterly.

"Yeah," her voice was soft, "but you knew that, when you chose to be with me." I rolled my eyes. Yeah, I did. I gently grabbed her face, holding it still, and searched her eyes.

"Bella," I breathed, "I don't want you doing this. If you're not absolutely sure you want to be with me, then don't. I'd rather let you go now, then get down the road ten years, and realize you're miserable." Her forehead creased.

"I know, Jake," her voice was very soft. "I've already thought of that. I'm not going to be unhappy. You'll be there."

"You really believe that?" I asked her, not willing to relent yet.

"Yeah," she smiled a little. "Like I said, I'm okay with this. The decision was made for me, and actually," she looked a little sheepish, "I'm sort of relived." I ran my hand across her cheek, still not completely convinced. I let it go though. There was no point in arguing, not tonight.

She surprised me, when she suddenly leaned forward, and gave me a long, passionate kiss. I felt my mind fumbling around, trying to get a grasp of what was happening. I finally managed to focus in on it, returning the intensity tenfold. Our actions quickly escalated. Right before we tipped over the edge, I stopped, gasping.

"Bells," I groaned, my hands shaking. "Seriously?" She didn't answer, but simply pressed her mouth over mine again. _Yeah, she was serious._

Sam was going to kill me. But, compared to what was happening right then, between her and I, I really couldn't give a crap.


	9. Bliss

I started awake, my hands flying to the empty half of my bed. The nightmare had been so real; Jake had been sobbing into his hands, in some hallway, completely alone. But there had been a silver band on his finger. I couldn't get to him, I couldn't touch him or talk to him, or even make him realize that I was there. His anguish had been so bitter, so heart-breaking . . . I realized that I almost felt like crying. It was a rough way to wake up.

I hadn't slept very much. Jacob had left at some point, after the long, gentle bout of passion we'd shared, and hadn't woken me. The time we'd been together meant everything to me, though. It had been so different from the last; there was no longer a battle being waged in my heart, I had made my choice, and I really was happy. My feelings towards Edward hadn't changed, of course, but it was all so much easier. It felt utterly natural to be with Jake; the agony was over. I could finally breathe again.

I knew Jake had blown off Sam to stay, and I'd probably be lucky if I were able to see him by the end of tomorrow. I couldn't lie though, an utterly selfish part of me hated these small separations. It left me feeling a little hollow, waking up with him gone, and only the memories of last night to sustain me through the day.

It was about eight in the morning. I threw off my blankets and quickly got dressed. I had a plan, of sorts, for today. Charlie would be up soon, and whether I liked it or not, I had to talk to him. I was going to make us breakfast, and try to scrounge up the courage to admit that I was pregnant. I had a faint hope that food would help soften the blow, but that was probably just wishful thinking.

I sped through brushing my teeth and hair, weirdly anxious to get started on cooking. I just managed to have the bacon and eggs properly started when Charlie came ambling downstairs, already dressed for the day.

"Morning dad," I said. Even to myself, I thought my voice sounded a little panicked.

"Morning," Charlie said slowly, looking around at the kitchen. I had covered the counters with ingredients, so I wouldn't have to dip into the fridge every ten seconds. I turned the bacon over, hiding my blush. He knew something was up, of course.

"Breakfast will be ready soon, if you want to wait," I did my best to sound chipper, even though my insides were squirming.

"Okay," he drew the word out, hesitantly taking a seat. I focused on cooking, stealing glances towards him every few minutes. He looked worried, but didn't say anything. That was Charlie's way, he didn't pry. I flipped the last few pancakes and loaded up our plates, setting them on the table.

"Coffee?" I asked. Without waiting for an answer, I got him a cup. I poured myself a large glass of orange juice and sat down, trying to quell the sheer terror racing through my body. I _had_ to tell him.

"What's all this about, kid?" Charlie asked, picking up his fork and starting in on his eggs. I twirled my napkin around, trying to figure out where to start.

"Well . . ." I stopped spinning the square cloth, my fingers pressing into it. I couldn't make myself look Charlie in the eye so, hesitantly, I told my breakfast plate - "You're going to be a grandpa, dad." There was a moment of stunned silence, and then I flinched as I heard his fork clatter to his plate.

"What?" his face was stark pale, eyes wide, and disbelieving.

"Um, I'm having a baby," I tried again, taking a deep breath.

"_What?_" His voice rose, echoing loudly through the kitchen.

"Surprise?" I breathed, cringing under the horrified look he was giving me.

"Damn it, Bella," he threw his napkin down, getting to his feet. "Baby, what are you thinking? You're too young to have kids!"

"I'm not much younger than mom was," I murmured, bracing myself for the storm.

"But we had a house, and I had a decent job, and we were _married_, Isabella Swan. How could you think . . . who did this to you?" his tone was suddenly low.

"Dad, don't do this," I groaned, feeling my face turn fire-engine red.

"Don't you, 'dad,' me young lady," he thundered. "Who did this to you? Was it Jake?" I'm sure my face betrayed something, but I didn't dare look up at him. "It was Jake. Damn it, I'll kill that kid." I was stunned as I saw him actually rounding out of the kitchen, heading for the front door.

"Whoa! Dad, what are you doing?" I moved towards him, catching his arm. "Dad? Seriously, come finish breakfast."

"I'm not hungry," he growled. But he did allow me to drag him back to the kitchen. I sat down across from him, worried. "This is what called the wedding off," Charlie sputtered suddenly, picking up his fork but not touching his food. "How long have you known?"

"Like, two weeks, dad. I found out at the hospital. And, this didn't exactly break off the wedding." I didn't really want to get into all the messy details of what _had_.

"Well, damn it, Bells, you should have told me," Charlie banged his fist on the table. "A father has a right to know about this sort of thing."

"I am telling you," I pointed out.

"Not-not like this!" He waved at the huge breakfast I had cooked up for him. "I mean, you should have told me the second you found out."

"Yeah," I muttered, "you're taking it so well."

"I think I have a right to be upset! Jake's not even 18 yet, Bella, what were you thinking? You guys don't have jobs, or a place to live - for Pete's sake, you weren't even together, from what I knew! How are you suppose to take care of a child?" They were very valid questions. Ones that I didn't have a ready answer for.

"We'll get it worked out dad, don't worry," I said quietly. "I'm not asking for anything, I just thought you'd like to know, you're going to be a grandpa." Charlie held his hand up at the word, cringing slightly.

"Are you even ready for this, Bella?" he asked. He was starting in on his eggs again, a very good sign.

"Is anyone really ready for it?" I retorted.

"This is different," my dad shook his head. "I mean, you're barely an adult. You haven't even lived yet, and you're already going to settle down, with a kid!"

"I'm having this baby, dad," I said firmly. I knew where he was going.

"It doesn't have to be like this Bella," he grumbled, "it's not like when I was young. You have options now. Think this through."

"I have," I started in on my food too. I wasn't sure if it was because I had been with Jake last night, or because I was short on sleep, but I was actually pretty hungry. I knew it wasn't the baby - it hadn't developed enough to start driving those kinds of behaviors, not yet.

"Well, think about it some more," Charlie grumbled, devouring a strip of bacon. "And you're calling your mother."

"Alright, dad," I murmured. It looked like the worst was over, for now, at least. It had been about as bad as I'd expected.

I called Renee while my dad cleaned up the kitchen. At first, she reacted a lot like Charlie, except without the death threats. Then, after I told her I was committed to having the baby, she was positively squealing. It made me happy, hearing how excited she was.

"Oh, what kind of names are you thinking of? I have a book, somewhere around here, I'll dig some up. When do you know if it's a girl or a boy? And are you taking prenatal vitamins? Because, you know sweetheart, you really need to get started on those, as soon as possible. Oh, and oh, you have to pick out the colors of your baby blanket! And we'll need to plan a baby shower! Do you know when you're due yet?"

"No mom," I couldn't help smiling, "I literally just found out."

"Oh well, honey, you _need_ to keep me in the loop. I think I'll come down there for a few weeks, maybe in November? I want to try and help you through this. Your feet are going to swell, and your going to feel sick, and we'll need to go shopping for some maternity clothes. Oh, and I really need to meet Jake! I feel like I barely know him, you haven't talked about him in a while."

"November sounds great mom," I said, after I had absorbed her rapid speech. "And yeah, I think you'll really like Jake." She would, too.

"Ooooh, sweetheart, I'm so excited for you!" she cooed, her voice high and breathy.

"I am too, mom," I admitted, grinning a little.

"Alright, well I've got to let you go, honey, Phil's home. Oh, but call me tonight, okay? We need to start planning some of this."

"I will. I love you, mom."

"I love you too, Bella," I could hear the smile in her voice. "I'll talk to you tonight."

"Okay, bye mom." I hung up the phone. Charlie looked sour.

"So," he said slowly, setting a frying pan on the drying rack. "Sounds like your mom's good with it."

"Well, she was kinda shocked," I said, "but yeah, I think she's pretty excited." Charlie raised his eyes to the ceiling, muttering something that sounded distinctly like, "women." I slipped out of the kitchen, in case he decided I needed to be talked to, some more.

I was surprised, some time later, when I heard a car pulling up into the driveway. I set my book down, and peeked out the living room window. Jake's red Volkswagen was parked next to my truck. I sprang up immediately, worried about what Charlie would say if he saw him. Luckily, the play-offs where about to start - Charlie was fixated on the TV. I whisked around the couch and half-ran to the door, pulling it open and stepping out onto the soaked front lawn with bare feet.

Jake was already out of the car, setting up Billy's wheelchair for him. _Right_, I remembered suddenly. _They were going to watch the game together._ I had thought, though, that Billy was going to call ahead first. I guess that plan had been abandoned. Jake smiled at me, somehow managing to look a little more gorgeous than usual. I blushed, smiling back. I waited until they were almost to the front door before I said, in a low voice,

"You may not want to be anywhere near the house, Jake. Charlie's really upset with you." Jacob nodded, half of a smile formed on his reddish lips.

"I would be too, if I were him," he admitted. "I'm just getting my old man set up, then I'm gone. And actually, you're coming with me."

"I am?" I raised an eyebrow at him.

"Yep, I have something to show you, and I'd rather we were far away from your dad, and his loaded gun," he added, almost like an afterthought.

"Alright," I nodded. I held the door open, and took over pushing Billy's wheelchair, leaving Jake standing amicably in the rain. Maybe it was just my imagination, but I could have sworn that just before I got Billy completely inside, he turned, and winked at his son.

"We're just going to give Charlie a little time to process, Bella," Billy said in a low voice. "I'm sure he won't want to kill Jake, eventually." I grimaced.

"Dad," I called into the living room. "Billy's here." Billy wheeled himself in, his face careful.

"Your boy with you?" Charlie asked immediately, raising from the chair.

"He dropped me off," Billy nodded, seeming unimpressed by Charlie's posture. "I think he was going to take Bella out for a little while, so we could watch the game."

"The hell he is!" My dad started for the door, but surprisingly, Billy caught his arm.

"I think they could use some time to talk, Charlie," he said seriously. "And maybe you could use a little bit of time to think." My dad gave me a disparaging look,

"You guys told Billy, before you told me?" I bit my cheek, and slowly nodded.

"Jake thought his dad might take it . . . a little better," I breathed.

"Oh fine," Charlie snapped, pulling his arm out of Billy's grasp. But he went back to his chair. Billy gave me a small nod and a smile, before turning his attention to the flatscreen. I slowly backed out of the room, and then thundered upstairs, grabbing socks, shoes, and my jacket.

Jacob was standing right where I had left him, staring skyward. He didn't seem to care that raindrops where getting in his eyes.

"All set?" he asked, smiling again as I pushed open the door.

"Yeah," I said, letting it close behind me.

"Alright," he jogged to his car, pulling my door open for me. "Your chariot, my lady." I smirked, sliding in.

"And they say chivalry's dead," I told him when he closed his door.

"Not with this guy," he thrust his thumb at his chest. "I'm old school." I just laughed.

We drove slowly through La Push, towards first beach. I was surprised when we didn't pull up to the lot for the beach, but kept going, taking a left down a narrow block of homes I'd never seen before.

"Here we are," Jake said a minute later, pulling in front of a quaint, yellow house nestled in the center of the strip.

"Whose house is this?" I asked, leaning over to get a better look at it.

"Ours" he said, a wide smile stretching across his face.

"What?" I gasped.

"Yeah," Jake was quick to get out of the car, and pull my door open for me. I had no idea what my face looked like, but he was beaming down at me, his features lit up like a miniature sun. He put his hands on my waist and slowly walked me up to the peeling red door. "You wanna do the honors?" he asked, waving a set of keys at me.

"You're really serious?" I gaped. He laughed,

"Yes, this is our house, Bella." He shoved the key in the door, and slowly pushed it open. I started to take a step forward.

"No, you don't," he said, lifting me clean off my feet. He carefully carried me over the threshold, setting me down on the olive carpet with a soft _thud._ "All I need is for you to curse the house with eight years of bad luck by tripping over the doorway."

"I thought that was just for married couples," I said quietly.

"Works for anyone getting a house together," he disagreed. My eyes raked through the empty room, disbelieving.

"Jake," I murmured, stunned. "How . . . how do we have a house?"

"It's a gift from the tribe," Jake shrugged, as though this sort of thing happened all the time. "My dad talked to the Uleys'. This place has been empty for ages."

"Whoa," I whispered. Billy worked fast, apparently.

"Come on," he was like a kid in a candy store. He grasped my hand and pulled me through the living room.

The kitchen was cozy, with a sink placed right under a wide window that looked out into the back yard. He next dragged me off to the master bedroom, showing me how bathroom joined the other room to it. "That'll be great for the baby," he said. "We'll have a direct path to it. Oh, and here!" He lead me into another small bedroom, just across the hall. All the while, he was smiling, completely jovial. I was able to come out of my surprise enough to smile, too. The house was simple, and cozy. I found myself loving it, intensely. I could see Jake and I curled up in bed together, listening to rain beat off the tin roof, see our child, racing excitedly through the back yard, where maybe I'd have a garden. I could see all the happy years here, filled with small comforts and love. My heart felt like it would burst. It was perfect.

"Do you like it?" he asked, holding his breath.

"Oh, Jake, I love it," I said, smiling. "It's beautiful." He exhaled, his eyes alight with glee. "Wow, so they really just gave this place to you?"

"Yep," he looked around. "I'm pretty sure I'll be paying them back somehow. I bet there won't be a single lawn that doesn't get mowed by me, for at least a decade." I laughed. "Now," he said slowly, his expression changing. "There's something else I wanted to show you." He led me into the quaint living room.

"Okay," I said. Jacob pulled my hands out of my pockets, throwing them around him. He was suddenly kissing me, with a hot, passionate fury. Stunned, I quickly responded, letting myself get swept down stream by the tidal wave of his intensity. I was completely absorbed; in his lips, his mouth, his ragged breathing, in the subtle power behind his gentle movements. My chest was an explosion of overwhelming desire.

"Isabella Marie Swan," he murmured in my ear, his voice low, and agonizingly intense. "I love you." I felt him gently slip a ring on my finger, and my heart accelerated painfully in my chest, my breath coming too fast. "Marry me." Before I could respond, he was kissing me again, only somehow harder then before, coaxing burning desire from my every movement. My mind was racing. His lips returned to my ear, "Please Bella, marry me." I felt tears starting to sting my eyes. He gently kissed my cheek, and pulled back, studying my expression. Stunned, I looked down at the ring he had slipped on my left hand. It was a beautiful silver ring with three shaped pieces of turquoise in the band.

"Oh Jake," I breathed, my brain still fogged.

"It was my mother's," he said quietly. "I thought you'd like it."

"It's gorgeous," I sighed. And it really was. The band looked almost like it had been hand-crafted, but by an extremely skilled artisan. The stones were very carefully shaped, the outer two were delicate tear drops, pointing to the oval one centered in the middle. It was a very petite, elegant design. I realized it was exactly the sort of thing I'd always imagined wearing. I looked back up at Jake. It felt a little like deja vu. I took a deep breath.

"Yes, Jacob Black," I said smiling shyly, "I will marry you." Jake looked completely surprised.

"_Seriously?_" he gasped. I nodded, a few tears coming down my cheek. He scoped me off my feet, twirling me around a few times, before setting me back down and kissing me. "I'm the happiest man in the world right now," he was grinning, not noticing a single tear was rolling down his cheek.

"And I'm the luckiest woman," I replied, smiling back.

I hadn't spoken too quickly. I realized that maybe half the reason I had been dreading my wedding with Edward was because, in my mind, it was almost a forced thing. It had been a compromise, after all. He'd only agree to change me himself, if I would make that bond with him. And, maybe I had wanted to marry him, maybe I would have been happy, if we'd actually gone through with it. But today, I felt like marrying Jacob wasn't only the right thing to do, it was something I really _wanted_. I couldn't imagine life without him, not since he'd come home. How could I wake up without his feverish body laying securely next to mine? How could I get through the day without hearing his low, husky voice whispering in my ear, or feel his big, russet hands enveloping mine? How would I ever survived the years without my protector? My big, dusky-red wolf, always prowling the sidelines, making sure I was safe. It was so simple, now. We would be happy, and warm, and utterly human together. I'd never have to worry about getting older, or feeling unsettled, or bored, because Jake was my other half, my other human half. And spending my life with him seemed like the whole point of it, suddenly. I couldn't have lived with Edward for all eternity, I realized. As much as I loved him, and was still in love with him, I would have questioned it at some point. I would have regretted never having _this_. This ordinary, sublimely human connection, with _my _Jacob. And as long as Edward was still alive out there, searching for his own happiness, I could remain here, wrapped up in the long, rainy years of bliss, with Jake.

He was holding me closely to him. I could hear his heart thudding reassuringly in his chest, a slow, steady beat that made me feel relaxed. Our bodies were rotating slightly, almost like we were dancing together, right in the middle of the living room. His eyes were closed, his cheek resting against my head. He looked so sweet, so happy, it made my heart swell to see him like this. I was elated that I had caused it.

Suddenly, I felt his muscles stiffen. His eyes snapped open, and he looked intently at the door, his hands still resting on my hips.

"Jake!" A voice called from outside. I was sure it was Sam. "Jake!" The door opened. Jacob broke away from me, gently unwrapping my arms from him. I turned, heaving a sigh. "They're here." Sam said, looking both of us over. "Maybe you should take Bella home."

"She is home," Jake said instantly.

"I mean to Forks. She'll be safer." Sam disappeared from the entry way. My heart suddenly dropped into my stomach.

"The other pack?" I asked. Jacob was already moving to the door, his face a smooth, unreadable mask.

"Yep. Their timing sucks," he was stripping off his shirt as he walked. I followed at a run.

"Jake, no!" I managed to just catch his arm before he took off down the street.

"Bella, get to Emily's," he said firmly. "She'll look after you."

"No," I cried, "no, you can't go Jake!" He shook his head.

"I have to, Bells, seriously."

"No!" I shouted. "Jacob, we have a baby on the way. What if something happens to you? You can't go fight, let the others do it." Jake's eyes gazed down into mine; he sighed.

"Bella, baby," he said softly, touching my cheek. "Every woman in the history of the world has told every husband, and boyfriend, and fiance not to go. Every woman believes she couldn't stand it if something were to happen to him." He paused, shaking his head again, "and every man tells her exactly what I'm going to say to you." He leaned forward, gently kissing my lips, "I'm coming right back. Nothing is going to happen to me, I promise. I can't leave Sam on his own, though, he needs me."

"I need you more," I mumbled, but most of my argument was gone now. He was right. He was completely right. Whether it was a riot, or a skirmish, or a battle, or a war - no one wanted their loved ones in a conflict, whether they were men, or women joining the fray. And Jake, just like every warrior, knew that he had to go. It wasn't a question of whether or not I was important to him; it was a question of what was right. I felt goosebumps raise on my arm. He really had grown up somewhere along the way. Maybe he'd always been this man, and I had been too blind to see it.

"Go," I whispered, my voice starting to crack. "And come home, or I'll kill you." He smiled, a wolfish kind of grin.

"I believe you," he said. One last, brief kiss, and he was gone, a massive, reddish hued wolf disappearing around the corner. I wiped my hands across my face, worry making them tremble. My eyes caught sight of the ring. A quiet sort of ache pierced my heart. There was nothing I could do now. Numbly, my feet started pushing me over to Emily's house. I might as well go and wait with all the others who had been left behind.


	10. Falling Asleep

_The bloodsuckers are staying put, right?_ I asked. The entire pack had shifted, except Sam, who was remaining human, so we could talk to the Blackfoot tribe.

_They're staying out of it_, Paul assured me.

_Good_, I muttered. It was one thing for us to stop another pack from trying to kill in our territory. It was completely different for the leeches to come out and kill some of our own. Sam was probably right. It would start a feud, and it could bring other packs down on them.

As a whole, our species was pretty low in numbers. The Quileute pack was unfortunately large, the biggest that we knew of in the country. If the Ahtena's, up in Alaska, had more tribesmen, they might have had just as many wolves. I felt pretty envious that they didn't. It was awful, having so many shifters in one place. Watching your best friends and some of the res kids go through the hell of their first change, knowing that it's all because some stupid leeches decide to make a home here. It wasn't fair.

_Stop the monologue, Jake,_ I heard Leah hiss. _It's annoying as all hell._

_Bite me_, I snarled. She was in a good mood today.

_Cool it guys_, Seth protested. _Sam's telling us to form up. Jake, he wants you with him._ I raced off, following his scent until I found him. Seth was close by, nosing the air carefully. If I had strength, and Leah had speed, Seth had the nose. That kid's sense of smell was crazy. It made me wonder how he could stand being around the bloodsuckers at all. I wouldn't be able to handle it, if I had a sense of smell like his.

"Scouts are coming back," Sam said shortly. I could hear them running towards us through the woods.

_They're close_, Seth gave out a soft sort of whine, his ears flattening.

_Buck up, kid_, I looked over at him. _We might still be able to talk them out of this. _

_Sure, sure_, Seth mumbled, his eyes still narrowed with worry. Jared and Quil burst through the trees just then.

"They coming in?" Sam asked. Quil nodded. "Form up," Sam ordered, taking a few steps forward. I moved to just behind Sam's right, taking my place as beta. I could hear the others approaching now, being lead by someone on two feet. I tensed. Around me, the pack fell in place, all of us looking anxiously forward.

A large, muscular man dressed only in a pair of jeans, walked carefully towards us. Around him, his wolves followed. There were a lot. Too many, I realized, quickly taking a head count. They had at least 20 members! How the hell could that be possible? We'd always had the largest pack . . .always. A large, black female stood as his beta, second-in-command. She looked fierce. Her eyes met mine, and she growled. I snarled, showing my teeth, but didn't move an inch.

"Cool it, Koko," the alpha called to the black wolf. She slowly lowered her head, but didn't take her eyes off of me.

"I'm Sam," Sam stepped forward, his hand extended. If he noticed their overwhelming numbers, he didn't show it. The other alpha stood there, staring blankly at his hand, not accepting it.

"You've come to head us off," he said.

"No, we've come to stop you," Sam dropped his hand.

"This is a mistake, cousin," the man warned. "We mean you no harm."

"But you would kill in our territory, break our treaty. We can't have that," Sam's voice was calm. "You would do the same, cousin, if it where your home."

"But if you allow those _creatures_ to exist so near to your home, it can't mean that much to you," the man shook his head slowly.

"You sound like a fool," Sam scoffed. "This isn't some ancient time, when we were forced to go to war to protect our way of life. You've come out here looking for a fight, for no real reason. The Cullen family has done nothing to you."

"Those creatures turn quickly," the man snapped, "one day they act as your allies, the next they're feeding on your children, and taking your wives." Sam shook his head,

"You live in an old world, cousin. We have no quarrel with the vampire family here. They do not hunt humans, they do not step foot on our land, and they have never violated either of these terms." I felt my ears flatten. This wasn't going well.

"But they have forced us into this!" The alpha was suddenly furious, gesturing around at both packs. "We watch our children and grandchildren suffer from the shift, we watch good boys turn into angry, hateful men, and we all feel so obligated to protect this way of life? My tribe is done! We will go out and destroy these cold ones, so no more ever have to go through this. This ends now! We will not let your false sense of honor endanger the rest of us," the man snarled.

"You are a fool," Sam muttered in a low, dangerous voice. "Our blood is a gift! We praise our ancestors for the ability to run with our brother wolf, not scorn them!"

"We are through here, cousin," the other man turned, and began walking away. Sam shook his head, his expression angry. The other alpha had made a few good points, I supposed. But, his surety in his cause would make him a hell of a lot harder to defeat.

"Be prepared," Sam said in a low voice. "We'll run rounds all night. These people aren't setting one foot in La Push, or Forks." I nodded.

It was a tense night. As darkness enveloped the trees, I led my half of the pack on a patrol. Sam had taken the rest, and was doing the same. More than once, one of the Blackfoot wolves would dart in front of us. Small fights broke out everywhere. My tension was growing. It was like the first few shots fired in battle; everyone knew it was the beginning of something horrible. We were testing each others defenses, pushing and picking and prodding, waiting for the tension to snap, and unleash hell.

_Come back to me_, Sam said suddenly. _They're forming up a few miles downstream. _I whipped us around a thicket of pines, my paws easily gripping the slick, mossy ground. Sam and the others were only about a mile away, standing in a grassy opening that lead right down to one of the rivers. His breath rose in a heavy mist. It wasn't cold out, from what I could tell, but we breathed out something a lot hotter than the air around us. _Jake, I want us to stick together through this. You guys remember what we've talked about. They brought this on themselves. This isn't good, but we have every right to defend this land. _I looked over at the pack. Their eyes were narrowed, tension was obvious in their canine faces. No one said it, but I could hear the ghostly murmurs of worry - we were outnumbered two to one. Everyone knew it. No excitement ran through us tonight. We all felt horrible about what we had to do. And we were all worried, about how badly we were going to loose.

_Smell that?_ Seth asked suddenly, his nose high in the air.

_Course we don't,_ I told him, rolling my eyes.

_I smell smoke_, he said slowly. _They've started a some fires.  
_

_Little over-confident,_ I sneered.

_They won't get the chance to use them,_ Sam assured us.

It seemed like time had sped up, maybe because we were all dreading what came next. The Blackfoot pack was on us in what felt like minutes. Where the night had been almost quiet, and peaceful, it was now filled with the sounds of snarls, snapping jaws, racking claws, and ripping teeth. I smelled blood in less than a minute.

_Beta, break off! Take five with you._

_That's completely stupid, Sam! _I snarled, my teeth gnashing at forearms, snouts, flanks - whatever, as I ran by. My tactic was to hit them hard and fast, never stopping to engage. Whittling them down seemed to be the only way to win this_. Have you noticed that we're outnumbered? And they don't have any 15 year old kids in their pack?_

_Hey!_ Seth complained loudly, narrowly dodging a snapping jaw.

_Damn it, Jacob!_ Sam roared. _I don't want to hear you disagree! Take five and run!_ It was a command, I whined under the pressing weight of his authority and quickly did as ordered.

_Quil, Leah, Seth, Embry - with me!_ I lead the way out of the brawl, punching through a few wolves trying to block us in. We sprinted for the east.

_Flank left!_ Sam called. I pounded through the trees, leading the small squad, with Leah right next to me. Seamlessly, we pulled to the left as a single group, traveling at break-neck speeds to the south. I hoped this worked.

_Do not get ahead of me, Leah!_ I snarled. _Stay with the group!_ I saw her squirm a little as we ran.

_You guys are slow_, she complained.

_Seriously, Leah_, Seth howled behind us. _Stop being a jerk, this is already a bad night, don't make it worse._ I half expected her bolt off, but she didn't, instead she pulled back, stopping just behind my right side. I turned us back to the north, pushing our speed.

_Stay tight_, I warned, hearing the fight ahead. _Stay tight . . ._ We broke through the trees. _Now!_ The five of us split off, bowling over targeted opponents. I was incredibly surprised it had worked. It shouldn't have. They had to know we had split off to flank them. Why weren't they prepared for it?

I went for the black female beta, the one the alpha had called Koko. She was trying hard to tear at Jared's neck, but I slammed into her, throwing her almost ten yards. A ghastly snarl ripped from her throat, and she charged me. Bracing myself, I waited. When she was just about on me, I lowered my head, letting her almost run me over. I threw myself up, with her heavy bulk straining my spine, and heaved her behind me. She struck a tree, _hard_. I watched, with a grim satisfaction, as she went limp. It wouldn't last though, her healing would have it fixed in minutes. I had to finish it. Grimacing, I sprinted towards where she laid, and opened my mouth wide. My sharp fangs sank deep into her scruff. I bit down, my ears lowering as I heard a splay of high-pitched yelps escape her mouth. Cringing slightly, I tightened my jaw more, trying to make it quick. Coppery blood filled my mouth, I felt my teeth hit the spot, and I quickly shook my head, back and forth, snarling slightly. It did the trick; her neck had snapped. If she was lucky, it didn't kill her. It would just keep her out of the action.

I circled around, and body slammed a huge silvery wolf who had Seth pinned. The wolf flew, landing in a sprawl on the ground. Snarling, I leaped into the air, and came down squarely on his spine. He yelped, but before he could move, I was already tearing mercilessly at his flesh, ripping out hunks and tossing them heedlessly to the side. The silvery wolf eventually stopped moving, massive, gaping wounds glistened wetly in the murky night. He'd be back up, in about 10 minutes.

_Hard and fast, hard and fast,_ I chanted, as much to myself as everyone else. I noticed a disturbance behind me, and quickly danced to one side. I had guessed correctly. A tawny colored female was leaping at me with incredible speed. She missed her landing. I charged before she could recover, tossing her small frame in a spiral. She whisked around, striking a tree towards its towering middle, and hit almost every branch on the way down. I smirked. _Hard and fast_.

_Jake!_ I heard Seth scream. I whirled around, panicked. It didn't take long to see why he was freaking out.

Strolling through the forest at a very normal pace, like he owned the damn place, was Edward. I growled. He was heading right for the alpha of the Blackfoot's.

_What the hell is he doing?_ I screamed, bolting towards him.

_Edward, stop!_ Seth called. We knew he could hear us, but apparently, he wasn't listening. It took next to no time for the wolves engaged in battle with us to redirect, their snarling fury aimed at him.

_Protect him!_ Sam shouted, rushing the swarming pack.

_Stupid freaking bloodsucker! _I snarled, bulling over two wolves trying to get as his neck. Edward just stood there, like a statue, unnaturally still. _What the hell? _I demanded, _do you want to get us killed?_ I could just barely see him shake his head. _Get out of here! _I roared. Sam had engaged in a ferocious squall with the other pack leader, their snarls and yelps drowning out almost every other noise. The smell of blood was getting thicker. Leah and Seth were teaming up on a big brown hunter, his sheer mass was giving them some serious trouble. I looked around. Only Quil and Embry where with me. I couldn't protect him. I tried again, flattening my ears. _Damn it, Edward. You will die. There aren't enough of us to stop all of them._ The smallest smile flitted across his lips. I almost missed it, I was so busy trying to keep the overwhelming numbers at bay.

"You won," he whispered. I faltered, for half of a second, staring at him. This was about Bella. I could hardly believe it. My momentary lapse in movement was enough. The pack quickly over-ran Quil and Jared, and I got a nasty bite to the throat, before being knocked aside. Within a few slow heart beats, Edward was utterly shredded, his body dissected into a splintery, marbled mass. I felt my heart skip uncomfortably. _Bella._

The Blackfoot wolves where darting into the trees, each carrying hunks of what had been Edward. I cursed, and let out a high pitched, alerting howl.

_The pieces! _I whined, _don't let them burn the pieces!_

The skirmish was momentarily forgotten. Everyone darted into the trees, the enemy wolves following quickly behind us, running interference. I snarled, tossing one who paused in front of me over my head in high arch. The wound on my neck was stinging, and blood matted my fur. I could feel it healing though. I kept running.

_Damn it!_ I heard Sam roar, _Leah, get your skinny ass up there! Stop them! _His voice was heavy with the weight of the command. Whining, Leah darted ahead of us, her quick legs carrying her farther into the trees.

_Jake, follow! _He didn't need to make it an order. I flinched, and pushed myself harder, my paws all but invisible to my eyes. I blindly darted the wide tree trunks, relying more on my instincts than my sight, to keep from smashing into them.

Up ahead I could just make out Leah's long, silvery tail. And just a few feet from her was one of the enemy wolves, his mouth full of the vamp.

_Trip him up!_ I cried, willing myself to go faster. I saw Leah put in an extra burst of speed, her jaws snapping at the wolf ahead of her. She narrowly missed, and had to run wide in order to avoid a huge, staggering boulder that cropped up directly in her path. _What will this do to her? _I asked myself, my mind racing as fast as my legs. _Would she be able to deal with this?_ Her beautiful, smiling face burst into my mind. I couldn't let this happen, for her sake. I _had_ to stop this.

I heaved a few deep breaths and flattened my head so it streamlined with my body. I was _flying_, running faster than I'd ever run before. I outstripped Leah in a few seconds, and miraculously, managed to catch up with the enemies.

A huge, lumbering male with a coat very similar to mine, was just reaching the fires. He had Edward's expressionless head clamped tightly in his jaws. With an almighty leap, I sprang, flying through the air at a reckless speed, my forelegs stretched out in a desperate kind of way. _SMACK!_ I collided with the huge wolf with the force of a bullet. I yelped as I felt what was normally my wrist, snap cleanly. The big wolf went hurtling backwards with me. He'd lost the head, at some point. We collapsed under a towering tree; he had taken the brunt of the impact, while my head had smashed pretty hard into the trunk. Luckily, my skull wasn't soft. I stood up, my fore-paw curled under me, racing as fast as I could on three legs, to where I spotted the bloodsucker's head.

The alpha was slightly quicker. He leaped forward, and knocked the head directly into the flames with this snout.

_Damn it!_ I cried, enraged.

_Jake!_ Sam's voice was unnaturally loud in my head, _watch out! _I turned, a second too late. Something long, and sharp came singing through the air. With a sickening _thunk_, it sank right between my ribs. I whined, as hot, sticky blood came gushing out in a veritable river.

_Oh . . .damn_. My body slumped. I fought to keep my eyes open. There were more snarls and growls around me, more sounds of gnashing teeth and quivering howls. My eyes started to slip shut. The horrendous, acrid burn of Edward's flaming body invaded my nostrils. I squirmed; the pain was unbearable, and more low, anxious whimpers clawed up my throat.

_God, I'm . . . hurt._ I felt suffocated with pain. I was on fire. This was bad.

"Close your eyes, Jake," Bella's voice was soft, and impossibly, right next to my ear. "Go to sleep."

_Bells? _I tried to look around. The world spun in a quick, black circle. I whined in a low voice. A wave of dizziness hit me, making my head flop useless back to the ground. _Bella, I love you. _Even in my head, my voice was fading. My eyes slipped shut; _I'm going to sleep, honey. _


	11. Wolfsbane

Hours passed, slogging slowly through the warm, bright kitchen. I went from pacing, to sitting, to pacing, back and forth. Emily kept putting little snacks in front of me, insisting I feed the baby. I did as I was told, but the food tasted like ash in my mouth. No amount of water could make it feel any less like I was swallowing a lump of glue. Others were crowded with us, silent. My eyes darted from Mrs. Ateara, to Embry's mother, to Sue, and a few others, whose names I didn't know. The second hand on the clock ticked along loudly, and each time it moved, it was like a knife cutting through me.

No one had stayed behind this time. The entire pack was out there, somewhere. And given how long I had been stuck, restlessly plodding around Emily's kitchen, they were surely fighting. I wrung my hands desperately together, the skin whitening along my knuckles. In my mind, I saw a hundred horrible scenarios, each becoming worse than the last. What if someone died? What if Jake got hurt? What would I do? I couldn't bear to think of any one us, clustered around Emily's scrubbed table, having to deal with the loss of a son, or a brother, or a lover. Emily's soft brown eyes met mine. I could see my thoughts reflected there, and a quiet understanding filled the space between us; no, no one could be lost today. _Please_, I begged desperately_, please, just let them be alright. _They say war is hell. I didn't doubt it for a second, but what might have been worse, was being left behind. I could feel everyone's nerves stretched to the breaking point, as we huddled around cold mugs of coffee and tea, praying desperately for our loved ones to come home.

It was dawn before Sam came bursting through the door, sweat creating a dim sheen across his brown skin. I knew, before he said a word, that something was horribly wrong. His eyes darted anxiously around the room, coming to rest on me. I felt my heart plummet to my feet. He squared his jaw;

"Jake's been hurt, bad. The others are driving him to Forks."

"What?" I was on my feet in a second, soft murmurs of unease echoed around the room. "Hurt? How? Is he going to be okay?"

"He's dying," Sam snapped, his fists tense. Those two words echoed over and over in my mind. _He's dying_. How was this possible?

"No," I gasped. "No, no, no. I have to go! I have to be there!" No matter how the impossible was happening, I needed to be by his side.

"I'll take you," Emily said at once, her lithe body flying around the kitchen, gathering up a jacket and keys.

"Carlisle," I stuttered, "he-he should be there. He might be able to-"

"No," Sam snarled, his body quivering. "Edward's dead! Carlisle won't want anything to do with us!" My stomach heaved, a burning, acidic taste raced up my throat. I was barely aware of my body's reaction. I couldn't process the sickening, heavy pain settling across me. My mind was jammed, trying to grasp what Sam was saying.

"H-h-h-he's, what?" I gasped. How could Edward be dead? The Cullens' where suppose to be safe, hiding from the skirmish; they had been told they weren't allowed to fight!

"That _stupid leech_ could have gotten all of us killed!" Sam raged, the veins in his arms popping. I saw everyone in the room take a careful step back. Sam wasn't in control. Emily tugged on the sleeve of my sweatshirt; I stumbled backwards. My whole body was trembling. _Jake's dying!_ My mind screamed, A_nd Edward's dead! You have to go, do something, move!_ I desperately tried to get my legs to react, but they felt like they had been buried in concrete. Sam's chest heaved in and out, his arms trembling as he fought to regain control. Finally, through clenched teeth, he spat;

"Damn it, Emily, go! Jake's bleeding out, his heart could stop any minute!" Jumping slightly, Emily looped her arm in mine, dragging me to the door. I couldn't take my eyes off Sam, I couldn't push his terrible words from my mind. _No, this can't be happening. This can't be real_. I was begging for it all to be a dream. A horrible, horrible dream. I'd wake up, right? Head slumped down on Emily's table? Jake's arms wrapping around me, gently coaxing me awake? And Edward . . . Edward would still be alive out there, somewhere, trying to find his happiness. _Please, wake up,_ tears were sliding down my cheeks, but I barely noticed. _Please, Bella, please just wake up._

Emily all but shoved me through the door of her small hatchback, flitting around to the driver's side. She crammed her keys into the ignition, reached over and pulled my seat belt across my chest for me. Her car lurched as she hit the gas; we were all but drifting around the small, circular lot that was her driveway. I barely noticed the reckless trip, or the speedometer hitting almost 70 on small, main roads. I was only dimly aware when we'd gotten to the hospital.

"Out," Emily said, not unkindly. My fingers trembling, I slipped my seat belt off. She wretched open my door before I had the chance to. Her warm hand curled into mine and she dragged me through the flooded parking lot, frogmarching us all the way up to the automatic doors.

The brightly lit, white interior of the small emergency room was utterly surreal. Everything registered as fake to me, a badly designed set for a B movie. Billy was waiting for us just inside the entrance.

"They've got him in the emergency OR," he said in a slow voice, "it's . . . not good. Carlisle's with him," Billy's face was haggard with grief. "Maybe he'll pull through." _Maybe he'll pull through._ My mind started firing at rapid speed as Emily shuffled us towards the waiting room.

"No," I moaned, "no, how did this happen?"

"Something hit him," Billy said softly. "Like a bullet. It passed right through his ribs, rupturing a bunch of organs. I think blood loss is the real worry. If they can't get enough back in him, his heart will just . . . give up." Billy took a deep, shuddering breath. With horror, I realized tears where slipping down his weathered cheeks. I sat down across from him, and reached out, taking his hand.

"Jake's strong," I whispered, as much to myself as him. "He's a fighter, he won't give up on us." Billy squeezed my hand back, managing a very wane smile. I watched, from the depths of my own personal hell, as the clock moved me forward, to whatever conclusion hung in the future.

We were joined by the rest of the pack soon enough. Everyone looked exhausted with worry; pink, shiny scars marred arms and legs and faces. The smell of dirt, and sweat, and blood was heavy in the air. I couldn't believe how bad they all looked. Apparently, a fight between two werewolf packs was much, much worse then a fight with a horde of newborns.

"He should heal, though, right?" Seth asked slowly as Billy quietly filled them in. "I mean, a bullet can't hurt us. That's completely stupid! Why isn't he healing?"

"It was a piece of wood, I think," Sam said slowly. "I saw it, but I couldn't stop it in time. The Blackfoot's obviously know something we don't. One of them had shifted back, right when everyone was distracted, and he shot the thing at Jake. It doesn't make sense," he shook his head, "but I've never seen any one of us go down like that, or bleed, like he did."

"No," Seth moaned, immediately erupting in tears. "No Sam, no! What are you talking about? We can't die like that!" Sue wrapped her arms around her son, but he threw her off, suddenly angry. "This is _stupid, _Sam. What you're saying doesn't make any sense!"

"I know," Sam's voice was low. "I know it doesn't. I'm sorry." Seth slowly sank into a chair, his hands trembling. I hung my head. It was true, what Sam was saying didn't make any sense, at all. But Jacob was fighting for his life right now. Whatever had happened, it had obviously hurt him, terribly.

It was very late in the afternoon when Carlisle approached us. His normally handsome face looked bewilderingly strained. I felt like rocks had been shoved down my throat.

"We got most of the pieces out," he started in a low voice. "I've never seen anything like this. It was a length of wood. It burst when it penetrated his skin, like shrapnel. His organs where punctured, and there was massive internal bleeding." He heaved a soft sigh. We waited, with baited breath, for him to finish. "We transfused two quarts of blood, but his immune system is rejecting it. It's almost like something's stopping his body's normal functions." His eyes raked across the worried faces upturned at him, and he asked, hesitantly; "Does anyone know what could do this to a werewolf?"

"No," Sam said suddenly. "No, this shouldn't be possible."

"I sent the pieces of wood to the lab for analysis. It almost seems as though we're dealing with a type of poison."

"We can't be poisoned," Sam cast a bewildered look at Carlisle.

"I know," Dr. Cullen said quietly, "but I don't know what else it could be."

"Thank you," Billy gasped, his eyes laden with fresh tears. "Thank you, for trying. I'm so sorry about your son, Carlisle." I watched his face stiffen, and a flash of grief raked across it, before he smoothed it back out, softly shaking his head.

"Edward made a choice," his eyes stared off. "My son could have gotten all of you killed. Please, accept my deepest apologies."

"Jake was one of the ones trying to save him," Sam murmured. "He fought like hell, to try and keep him safe. We all tried, but Jacob was . . . really determined." Carlisle nodded, not bothering to cover up his grief this time.

"I think Edward wanted to die, very badly," he kept his gaze locked on the floor. I felt a hollowing sadness press against me, making it difficult to breath. "We had no idea. I will do all I can, of course, to save Jacob, as he did all he could, to save Edward." He reached out his pale hand and shook Billy's, his face carefully controlled again.

"Thank you," Billy sniffed, cupping his other hand over top of Carlisle's. "Thank you, Dr. Cullen."

"We'll be moving him into a room very shortly. I'll have an orderly let you know which one. I'm sure a few of you would like to see him." His eyes fell to mine. He turned and left.

Edward had killed himself because I hadn't chosen him. And Jake had fought to save him . . . for me. My mind writhed in torment. The sun had stupidly dashed across the sky, to try and keep the moon from falling. I felt a surprising stab of anger. This should have never happened. Edward was utterly selfish, using the fight to kill himself, knowing it was the one thing that Alice couldn't see coming. My eyes roved over everyone crammed into the waiting room. They had all _fought_, each and every one of them, to save his family. And he had used them. He might have killed Jake. A bitter resentment built up inside of me. I could never, ever forgive Edward Cullen, for what he had done to these people, to _my family. _And it was all because of me. All because he was so sure he couldn't exist in this world without me. But he hadn't even tried! He hadn't even given it a month! Instead, he took the first opportunity he could to destroy himself. I ground my teeth, a hot wave of anger pushing tears down my face. No, as long as I lived, I would never, ever forgive him. He was absolutely dead to me now, in more than one way.

I was grateful that they were quick about moving Jacob. We all insisted Billy go see him first. He didn't argue, but rolled himself slowly through the door, a grim look on his face. Awhile later, he emerged, his cheeks wet with fresh tears, looking horrible.

"Go ahead, Bella," he croaked, shaking his head. Suddenly, I was afraid to go in. But I didn't let it stop me.

I'd never, ever, thought I would see Jake like this. It was worse than the time he'd broken all of those bones. They had him on a respirator; it completely covered his mouth, going all the way down his throat, and the tubed accordion breathed rhythmically for him next to his bed. There were small cuts and bruises all over his arms and face, including a gash on his bottom lip, with glistening red in it. His wrist was set in a white cast, and a deep, heavy wound was bandaged along his neck, blood oozing through it. _He's not healing._ Tears hit my eyes again as I moved around the wide bed, coming to rest at his side. Tubes of red and clear liquid were being fed into a line in his forearm. His body, as big as it was, looked completely fragile. His skin even looked a little pale. I reached out and grabbed his hand, recoiling a second later. His skin, it was _cold_. It wasn't like a vampire's, but it was _freezing_, even compared to mine. I gently rubbed his hand, a few times. It didn't make any difference.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," Carlisle's soft voice said from the door.

"What's wrong with him? Why is he so cold?" I breathed, my eyes never leaving Jake's ravaged face.

"It's like a fever," Dr. Cullen said, "only, opposite from a human's. His immune system is fighting the transfusions." Carlisle checked Jake's charts, making a few notations.

"What about that wood?" I asked, finally tearing my eyes away to look up.

"I put a priority on the lab samples, we should be getting results very soon," he told me. "Remember to rest, Bella," he was suddenly right next to me. I jumped slightly. I had forgotten just how fast a vampire could move. "You don't look well, at all. Jacob wouldn't want you risking your child's health, just because of him." I nodded shortly.

"How is it that he's able to stay here?" I asked suddenly, the question popping into my head. "I mean, he's not human. Don't the others notice?"

"I have a very carefully picked staff keeping an eye on him," Carlisle replied. "A few here have noticed, over the years, that I'm not exactly normal. They've kept it themselves, and they trust my judgment. Do not worry, no one who has seen Jacob will ever breathe a word of it to the outside world."

"How can you be so sure?" I asked, my eyes darting back to Jake's still form.

"I'm not, but, even if they did, who would believe them?" I nodded slowly. He was right.

Everyone took the opportunity to look in on Jake. No one seemed willing to leave the hospital. In groups, people ventured to the cafeteria, always leaving a few behind to collect news, should any come. Charlie showed up, maybe a day later, looking utterly terrified.

"That kid get into a wreck on his bike again?" He was standing behind me in the doorway, frowning.

"It was an accident in the woods," Sam said, suddenly next to him. "He's not doing very well." I cringed, as I had every time someone said that. His heart was still beating. That had to mean something.

"Damn it," I heard Charlie mutter. "Where's Billy?" I heard their footsteps disappear down the hallway, their voices lost. I kept my fingers wrapped around Jake's hand. I hadn't left the room, not even for a second, since everyone else had had the chance to see him. Nurses kept coming in to push food on me, or to try and coax me to rest in another room. I ate, but I wouldn't leave his side. Carlisle finally ordered a small cot to be brought in. I moved it right next to Jake's bed, but only took fitful naps.

At some point, Carlisle came back, his face grave.

"The wood showed traces of aconitum," he told me softly. "more commonly know as wolfsbane. It's a deadly, poisonous herb."

"That can't hurt him," I cut across his words. "It just _can't_, Carlisle."

"Apparently," he said slowly, "it _can_. I researched some legends. There's a reason aconitum's folk name is "_wolf's bane_." It was rumored to be deadly to werewolves, from as early as the 15th century. And, by all appearances, the legends are correct. I believe it is acting as a very specific poison, targeting only his supernatural traits. It's stopping his healing abilities, and wrecking havoc on his organs, causing his immune system to overcompensate. It explains the fever, and his body's rejection to all of my treatments."

"What do we do?"

"I want to start him on dialysis immediately, and order another set of transfusions. If we're lucky, we can clean the poison from his system." The EKG machine in the corner suddenly started beeping erratically. I stood up, staring at it, as mountainous lines raced across the screen. His chest was heaving, a strange gulping noise was coming from his throat.

"What-" I started, but suddenly, the monitor drew a long, flat line, an ominous, single toned beep filling my ears. Sick, cold dread washed over me. Carlisle was already racing through the room, snapping on a pair of gloves, and grabbing a syringe from a drawer.

"Code blue!" his voice echoed magnificently out the door. "Get her out of here!" A pair of strong, human arms grabbed me out of nowhere, ripping me from Jake's side.

"No!" I cried, thrashing against the strong grip. "No, no, no!" I was being dragged backwards. "Jacob!" I screamed desperately, "Jacob Black! You listen to me! You will not die! You hear me! You _can't _die!" The hands pushed me roughly through the door. Someone caught me from behind, before I could fall backwards. A trio of nurses appeared, sprinting flat out through the hallway, their shoes sliding across the smooth linoleum as they threw themselves into the room. I turned, into whoever had me, and started sobbing uncontrollably on their shoulder. _He can't die, he can't die, he can't die, please!_ I couldn't live without him, I couldn't survive without my sun. I _wouldn't_ live without him. _Please, please, please. _Emily slowly raised her hand, and put it on my head.

"How long has it been, now?" I snapped, pacing rapidly up and down the hallway.

"Five more minutes," Sam said in a strained voice. I knew I was probably driving them crazy, but I hardly cared. I felt like I was _going_ crazy, _completely_ crazy. Jake's heart had stopped. No one had come out of the room yet. That was good right? Or maybe not. Maybe that just meant they were fighting to try and keep him alive. I felt everyone's eyes on me, watching me pound up and down the shining linoleum. At least they all had the sense to leave me alone.

I wasn't sure why I was suddenly feeling so angry. It must have been my mind's way of trying to protect me. The hot waves of frustration blotted out my panic, and kept the tears from my eyes. My body was trying to make me survive this, because I was very, very close to giving in. If Jacob died, right here and now, I was sure my heart would stop, too. I would die, right then and there, because we were the same half of a whole, and I was physically incapable of drawing a single breath unless he was doing it, right along with me. I could only survive this, if he did.

After what felt like weeks, Carlisle slowly came out of the door. I stopped in my tracks, frozen, watching his every move.

"We have him stabilized." There were cries of relief, and even a few claps, from the group. "But," there was a very pregnant pause, "if we can't get his system cleaned of the poison, he will die, very soon. We are putting him on dialysis right now. We should know more in a few hours."

_He's still alive_, my mind reeled. _He's still alive!_ But, for how long? Billy was sobbing into his hands. I took a few shaky steps towards him, my strange anger had been replaced by a deadened kind of numb. I didn't know which was worse.

"Those bastards!" Billy shot suddenly, making me jump a little. "They purposefully tried to kill my boy!" His eyes were fierce with rage.

"I know," Sam's tone was very calm. "I know, Billy."

"We can't let them get away with this!" Leah was on her feet, looking around at her fellow pack mates. "This is complete crap! They knew what wolfsbane would do, they _used_ it, on one of their own!" There were murmurs of agreement. I slowly sank into a chair, pushing a breath from my lungs. "We have to do something, we can't let them get away with this!"

"No," Sam was on his feet, his eyes burning into Leah's. She frowned, but slowly sat back down. "We're all angry right now," he addressed the group, "we're all worried. It could have been any one of us, or all us, in there with Jake. We can't take rash action, not now."

"You're not going to do anything?" Billy demanded, his voice bordering a growl. "Damn it, Sam! Who knows how many other packs they've done this to? We can't be the only ones who've ever stood up against them! Someone needs to make sure this _never happens again!_"

"We _will_ confront the Blackfoot tribe," Sam retorted, "but now is not the time for us to think on it. Right now, we need to be here, for you and Jake, and for Bella. When Jake recovers, we'll talk. All of you, just calm down." His words mollified the group. Leah was glaring daggers at him. I brushed my hair out of my face, just waiting for the Jacob's door to open.

_Please,_ I begged again, _please, just let him live._


	12. The Loss

_Please . . . please, just let me die! Ugh, god, please! I can't take this anymore!_ My voice as the only thing that seemed real, aside from the twisting agony. The pain was a white hot burn, slowly eating at my insides. I could feel every square centimeter being slowly, painstakingly dissolved. Around me was utter darkness and silence. There was nothing to distract me from the hellish torment wracking through my middle. _Please,_ I prayed, over and over again, _please god, just let me die. I'm begging you . . ._

Nothing could make me want to survive this. It was just asking to much of a man, to endure this kind of agony. It slowly, (so, so slowly), crawled through my veins, liquid fire burning away every last molecule as it seeped further along. But the fire didn't warm me. I was freezing, like someone had pushed me into an ice bath.

I'd had one of those, once. I was running a really bad fever. My mom couldn't get me to the hospital fast enough, so she threw me in a tub of icy water. I'd cried then too, begging her to let me go, because the ice burned my skin. Sobbing, she told me to just endure it. She told me she was sorry.

My insides were withering, but never dying, never letting me feel an ounce of relief. Instead, as the fire spread, my organs seemed to mock me, as more and more of them lit up with the intense torment. I was in hell, I thought. I'd been a really, really bad person, and this was hell. God hated me. I tried to scream, wanting the fire to at least hear the abomination it was causing, but my throat was completely stopped, like something had been shoved down it.

_Damn it, just kill me! _I let my voice rip through my mind, pleading, desperate; the tone utterly unrecognizable. _You coward! You stupid, effing coward! Just kill me! _I let out a long string of cuss words, each one worse than the last, pounding invisible fists, into an invisible enemy. The fire just laughed, and engulfed me further, wrapping me like a boa constrictor, in an endless ring of unendurable suffering. A gravelly scream tore through my throat, causing it to ache. It would take its sweet time with me, it was going to make this last. It knew I had no choice, but to sit here, and endure.

_Just endure it, baby. I'm so sorry._ My mother's voice was like an angel's in my ear. My dad had been so messed up, when she'd died. I didn't think he'd ever get through it. I thought that I wouldn't, either. But she had taught me that smiling made everything better. I always smiled, no matter what the circumstances, because it held a sort of magic, as she'd say. It could make anything go away. But not here. Wherever this was. I couldn't tell if I even had a face to smile with. The darkness was suffocating. The agony was everywhere and unrelenting. Another voice rang out around me.

_So, is she your girlfriend?_ Embry smirked, plopping down on the ground.

_No_, I sighed. I didn't want to talk about this with them.

_Bet she'd be mine!_ Quil piped up.

_Screw you,_ I snarled at him suddenly, a hot rage filling my chest. What was wrong with me? He was just kidding. Quil's eyes narrowed a little.

_Got it, I know you can't compete with me, bro_, he laughed, brushing off my sudden anger. I smiled and threw a greasy rag at him.

_Hey!_ He protested, as it hit him squarely in the face. He pulled it off. A big blob of grease had gotten on his nose. I howled with laughter, Embry collapsing against me, as Quil accidentally smeared it around, making it worse.

_Son!_ Billy's voice was strong in my ear. I stood in our small living room, my eyes snapping from the TV, back to him. He sighed, shaking his head. _You've got to do the right thing._ He slipped a small black box across the coffee table. I leaned forward and picked it up, snapping the top open. My mother's ring sat in there, untouched by time.

_Thanks, dad_. I said, I was overcome with emotion, seeing this ring again.

_I think she'll love it_, Billy nodded, his eyes twinkling. _And I would see your wife wearing it, Jacob. It's yours to give to whomever._

_The only woman I'd ever marry is Bella_, I told him confidently. Bella. Bella. Bella.

Her face burst clearly in my mind. The agony snarled, trying to keep its hold. A warm, tingling sensation encompassed my hand. I sighed. It was so easy to focus on; the fire couldn't keep me occupied.

_Stay with me,_ her voice pierced the darkness like a white light, casting a brilliant glow all around. I wanted to tell her that I was, that I now remembered what would make me endure the pain. I couldn't believe I had forgotten. It was her. It had always been her. I'd fallen in love with her years ago, as a kid. She broke my heart when she didn't come back to Forks anymore. I survived. Years passed, and I couldn't be interested in any other pretty face, anywhere. She was the center of me, she kept me hoping, and smiling, and laughing; my Bella. I remembered how bad it was, that day when she'd ripped my heart from my chest, chasing Edward to Italy. I had survived that, right? And that was _bad. _That had almost killed me. What was this? This stupid little fire trying to burn my insides? It was nothing, _nothing _compared to Bella Swan. There wasn't a single force on this earth that could take me away from her, ever. The fire hissed, ripping my body apart. I smiled at it. It retaliated, sending a crippling wave of agony that tried to plow me under, but I just laughed. I could handle this. And suddenly, like a gift from god, I could hear her voice; it was strong, real.

"No, no, no! Jacob! You listen to me, Jacob Black! You will not die, you hear me? You _can't_ die!"

_No Bella, baby. _I answered softly. _I can't die, not so long as you're here._ Blissfully, the pain went away. I sighed, slipping into utter darkness, my body relaxing. It was over.

_It was over. It was over. It was over. NO!_ I gasped, bolting upright. Something long and hard was crammed down my throat. Gagging, I ripped the tape off from my face, grabbed a hold of the thing, and pulled it out. I heaved in a crackled breath, causing stuttered coughs to tear from my lungs. I just managed not to puke.

"Jeez," I croaked, looking at the long, curved tube they'd stuck in me. "What the hell?" There were bandages all over me. I tore them off, carefully feeling underneath. My neck didn't have a single mark on it, and the cast on my wrist itched like crazy. I easily pried the plaster off, moving my fingers around. Ah, much better. _Damn, I'm really, really hungry. _I grabbed hold of the IV and tore it from my arm, watching as a little bit of blood pooled. Before it could even start to drip, the hole had healed. "Bella?" my voice cracked. I looked around the brightly lit hospital room. I couldn't see her.

My body felt unusually stiff. I swung off the bed, easily clearing the guard rails. I was in one of those stupid gowns, the ones left nothing to the imagination. My shorts where in a small dresser in the corner. I ripped the gown off and slipped them on, carefully stretching. _I'm so freaking hungry_, I thought.

The room wasn't big, Bella wasn't here. A small, hard cot was moved right up next to my bed, with a flat, rumpled pillow resting on it. I could almost taste her scent in the room, amid the cloying smell of antiseptic and latex. It mixed heavily with an icy, burning sweetness; no doubt, Dr. Fang was around here somewhere, too. She had been in here with me, for a long while. Where had she gone? The trail led away from the room, still mixed with that acrid sweet smell. Her and Dr. Fang must have gone somewhere else. Ignoring the punching demands of my stomach, I walked to the hallway, carefully inhaling.

"Son! Jacob! Oh my god!" Billy's voice was right next to me, weak with relief.

"Dad," I reached down and embraced him. He was shamelessly crying.

"Jacob!"

"Black, holy hell!"

"Oh, Jake, jeez man!" A crowd pressed around me; it looked like over half of the tribe was here. I gave quick hugs and hand shakes, barely noticing anyone's face.

"Bella?" I asked, looking around.

"Oh, Jake," Leah said softly, frowning. I was immediately terrified. If Leah was being sympathetic, something really, really bad had to be happening.

"What?" I demanded instantly.

"Son, she's . . . upstairs," Billy said carefully, avoiding my eyes. "I don't want to panic you, you need rest-"

"Dad, what the hells wrong?" I cut him off with a snarl.

"She's . . . she _might_ be loosing the baby."

"What?" I gasped. No amount of hands could hold me back. I ripped away from the crowd, flat out sprinting down the hallway.

"Whoa, hey!" I heard a nurse, or someone, call as I sprinted past an office. Ignoring him, I skidded to halt at the stairs, racing up them, my bare feet smacking across the finished concrete.

It took little time to find the maternity ward. Dr. Fang's scent was heavy. I bolted past the administration desk, ignoring the startled gasps and angry calls. I picked up her scent easily. She was in an operating ward, behind thick, electronically locked doors.

"Jake," Charlie's voice called from behind me. "How the hell are you up, kid?" His face was ragged with worry.

"What's happening to her?" I ignored his question, jogging to the waiting room across the hall.

"I dunno," Charlie said softly. "She hadn't slept in, days, maybe? And she had finally fallen asleep, in your room, but Dr. Cullen was suddenly calling for nurses and a stretcher-" he took a deep, shaky breath. "They rushed her up here, and apparently, no one can tell me what's happening." I sank into a chair, and buried my face into my trembling hands.

"No," I moaned softly. I felt Charlie grip my shoulder, his face was concerned.

"I know, kiddo. Let's just wait, though. Maybe it'll all be okay." I nodded, not really convinced. "And, where are your shoes?" I managed a weak smile.

"Who knows?" I shrugged.

"Well, maybe you wanna get some clothes on or something," Charlie said, a little uncomfortably.

"Yeah," I managed a small smirk.

Most of the group hauled themselves upstairs, letting me know they were going home. I completely understood, they'd been stuck here for awhile. Now that it looked like I wasn't going to die, I encouraged them to go get some sleep. Before he left, Sam pressed a t-shirt and a pair of shoes into my hands. I was quick to dress, hoping that the docs would finally leave me alone.

"You let us know what happens," Sam shook my hand solemnly. I nodded, heaving a sigh. Emily gave me a quick hug, looking desperately worried.

"We can stay, Jake," she told me. "You shouldn't have to go through this alone."

"No," I said at once. "Just go rest. I'll let you guys know what's up. All of you, seriously. I'm fine now." She nodded, seeming to understand that I really wanted to be left alone. Of course, Charlie wasn't going anywhere. He'd left to call Bella's mom. I could only imagine how that was going. My dad had planted himself in the corner, looking utterly exhausted. We caught each others eyes a few times. I could see he was thinking the same thing I was. This was just too much . . . way too much to deal with right now.

The pack left in a slow trickle. Everyone gave me their sympathy, and begged me to call them as soon as I knew something. I was in a sort of hyper-numbness. I didn't want to think about what was happening, so I pushed it aside.

Charlie came back after everyone but Seth and Leah had left. I figured Seth would stick around, but what Leah was doing there, looking so concerned, I couldn't say. It was really, really weird though.

"Renee's freaking out," Charlie grumbled, sinking into a chair. "She's trying to talk Phil into letting her fly down here."

"Damn," I leaned back. My stomach gave a loud, aching grumble. I ignored it.

"Yeah," Charlie sighed. "Nothing like dealing with Renee when she's worried."

"Worse than Bella?" I guessed.

"Oh yeah, like a thousand times worse," Charlie shook his head. He looked sideways at me for a second.

"So," he said, looking really uncomfortable, "I think I owe you an apology, kid." His eyes fixed on the ceiling. "I was pretty mad at you."

"No problem," I said immediately. "I totally understand."

"Well, I appreciated you giving me a little space," he said in a low voice, "I needed it, to think things through."

"Yeah," I said.

"You put that ring on my daughter's finger?" I nodded, staring at the floor. His eyes were still looking up at the false ceiling. "Well, I'm glad." I chanced a glance at him.

"Yeah?" I asked.

"Yep, you're a good man, Jake. You'll take care of my little girl."

"I will," I told him. We shook hands. Billy rolled over, smiling. He held out his hand to Charlie, who grasped it, managing a small grin.

"Always hoped it would happen, didn't we?" Billy asked, a mischievous smirk on his face. "Since they were born."

"Yep," Charlie said stoutly. "Looks like we'll be family, here before too long." Billy smiled. I did too. We didn't say more. Enough had already been said.

Seth had fallen asleep in his chair, his head in danger of slipping right off of his hand. Leah was sitting next to him, her arms hugging her chest, legs sprawled and crossed at the ankles; she was staring hard at the floor. I almost wanted to go ask her what the hell she was doing here, but I didn't.

Dr. Fang came in. He didn't need to say a word. I could see it, all over his face.

"No," I moaned, tears burning my eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Jacob," he murmured. He stood in the doorway, watching me crumble into despair.

"No," Leah whispered. I ignored her. Seth had woken up, and he was looking at me, horrified. Billy heaved a sigh in the corner, his eyes cast down on the floor.

"What about Bella?" Charlie asked anxiously.

"She'll be fine," Carlisle said, "she just needs to rest."

"Can I go see her?" I was on my feet in a second.

"Yes," Carlisle said softly, "but I'd like a word with you first, Jacob."

"Sure," I muttered. Whatever the bloodsucker had to say to me, it wasn't important. I needed to see my girl.

I followed him through the security doors, and into an empty room. I kept air flowing through my mouth, trying to avoid his stink. But, as far as bloodsuckers went, Carlisle didn't really bother me, not compared to the other Cullens'. Maybe it was because he acted more human than the rest of them. I watched him slowly turn to me, perceptible grief on his face.

"I wanted to thank you," he said softly, "for trying to save my son." I opened my teeth, a bitter retort poised on my lips, but I stopped. I hadn't tried to save the filthy bloodsucker for him; I'd wanted the bastard to die. I had done it strictly for Bella, and that was all. But, as I looked at Carlisle's face, tinged with grief, I couldn't say that. I squared my jaw,

"Yeah, no problem." I grasped his icy hand, and shook it.

"The contraption they shot at you," he said suddenly. "Did you see it?" _Contraption?_

"No," I said slowly, my eyebrows raising. "I thought a piece of a tree had hit me."

"That's worrying," Carlisle paced briefly. "You were badly poisoned, Jacob. They Blackfoot tribe had soaked pieces of yew in wolfsbane, and attacked you with it."

"You're kidding, right?" I shook my head. "We can't be poisoned."

"It penetrates your system, and begins attacking your supernatural traits. Your heart stopped four times. You were very, very close to dying. Your body temperature was 72 degrees, and your immune system was attacking your healthy cells." He shook his head. "I've never seen anything like it." I bit my cheek. Maybe that explained the awful burning, and the flashbacks. I had seriously almost died? "The dialysis worked," Carlisle continued, "but just barely. I think you and your pack need to be very aware of this threat. Without your healing abilities, you are left quite vulnerable." It made sense, suddenly. The tubes, and wires, the bandages, and the cast. If I hadn't been healing, what else could they have done?

"Does Sam know about this?" I asked.

"Yes, I've informed the rest. I just wanted to pass along the warning; if one tribe knows about this herb, it may be that others do as well. Please, be very careful. I wouldn't want anything to happen, to any of you." He sounded like he meant it.

"Sure," I shrugged. "Look, I'm glad you were able to fix me. And I am sorry, about Edward."

"I should be apologizing to you," he said in a low voice. "My son acted quite shamefully, and could have gotten the rest your pack seriously injured. I do apologize."

"No problem," I squirmed uncomfortably. "So, can I please go see Bella now?" I wasn't trying to be rude, but herbs and dialysis was the least of my concern.

"Of course," the doc nodded briefly. "But afterwards, I must insist you go back to your room. No doubt, some of the nurses have noticed that you're missing, and you've only just stopped trying to die. I will work to get you released, but please, don't draw any more attention to yourself." I grimaced. I wished the boys had just driven me to Doc Ford in La Push, but, maybe they had good reason for bringing me here. It sounded like if it hadn't been for Carlisle, and his freaky knowledge of werewolves, I'd be dead.

"Yeah, will do, doc," I said. He gave me a sort of half smile, and led me down the hall.

Bella was awake, her face pale and ravaged with tears. I walked in slowly.

"Oh my god, Jake!" she gasped, reaching for me. I gave her a small smile, carefully stepping around the partition, and wrapped my arms around her. I inhaled her scent, letting it fill me. Hot, wet tears hit my borrowed shirt. I didn't pull back.

"Shh," I whispered, stroking her hair. "Don't cry, Bells. Don't cry."

"We l-l-l-lost the baby!" she moaned, her body shaking with grief.

"I know," I whispered, "I know, I know."

"I-i-i-it was my fault!" I heard her draw in a ragged breath. I shifted, my hand slowly rubbing her back.

"No honey," I breathed, "no it wasn't."

"I couldn't sleep," she sobbed. "I tried, Jake. I really, really tried!"

"I know baby," I leaned back, brushing her tears away. "You can't blame yourself. You did everything you could." She shook her head, dissolving into sorrow. I knew she'd be this way, of course. That was my Bella. An asteroid could hit the planet and she'd be convinced that somehow, she'd caused it. I felt a few tears slip down my face, but I quickly wiped them away. She couldn't see me cry. She had to know that I didn't blame her, at all.

"You're safe," I said after a long while, stroking her arm. "You're okay Bella, and I'm okay. That is very, very important."

"I know," she whispered. She hiccuped a few times, wiping her eyes.

"You know how badly I wanted this baby," I looked into her eyes. "And I'm hurt, Bella, don't get me wrong. But, honey, we can try again. Maybe after we get settled a bit, get married, and I get a job - we can always try again." She burst into a fresh wave of tears, nodding a little. I sighed.

A prickling stink enveloped the room. I snorted.

"I'm sorry, Jacob, Bella," Carlisle said from behind us. "I must get you back to your room now."

"No," Bella moaned, throwing her arms around me. I held her for a moment.

"Just for a little while. I must run further tests, and get him properly discharged." I rolled my eyes, but no one saw it.

"Hey," I breathed in her ear. "Calm down, honey. I'll be right back, you know. Just gotta let the doc make sure I'm really okay." She managed a nod. I gently kissed her lips. It was hard to pull away; I felt like it had been weeks since we'd done that. Carlisle gently cleared his throat. I sighed, breaking away from her. "I'll be right back," I repeated, stopping to look at her from the doorway. She nodded, wiping her cheeks.

I got poked and prodded and fussed over for nearly four hours. By the time they were done, I was ready to sink my fist into the wall.

"Think I can get some food, or something?" I asked the nurse churlishly. She didn't answer right away, watching my blood pressure readings.

"Soon as we're finished here," she soothed. I bit my tongue. It wasn't her fault I felt like I could devour a 300 pound bull. She walked off, shaking her head. No doubt, my miraculous recovery, coupled with the 108 degree fever, and impossibly low blood pressure, was really bothering her. I didn't give two craps. I was exhausted, hot, hungry, and wanted nothing more than to wrap my arms around Bella and fall asleep, after I'd eaten, of course.

"I heard you were hungry," another nurse came bustling through the door, the tray in her hands almost making me bolt to my feet. But all the little tubes had been stuck back in me, so I settled for squirming. "Here you go, sweetie," she murmured, rolling a table across me. I fidgeted impatiently while she set the food down. It smelled like bland strips of cardboard, whatever the hell it was. I didn't care. As soon as she'd withdrawn her hands, I started in. "Take it easy, there," she cautioned. "You don't want to make yourself sick." I managed a nod, not looking up. She sighed, and walked away, also shaking her head. Apparently, I just caused that kind of response in people. I cleaned the food from that tray in record time. It was awful stuff. I was almost desperate to get home and devour some real cooking, but, I wasn't going anywhere until Bella could come with me.

I caught a whiff of vamp. I grimaced, but quickly smoothed my face. Now that I wasn't ready to gnaw at the bedsheets for sustenance, I could keep myself in better check.

"I've managed to pull some strings," Carlisle said gently. "I can get both you and Bella released by tonight."

"Thanks, doc," I muttered. It was still mid-afternoon. I'd be holed up here for at least four more hours. He noted my frustration, and smiled.

"A few of my residents are a little concerned, what with your _fever_."

"All the more reason to get me the hell out of here," I said stoutly.

"Indeed," he was flipping through the pages on his clipboard. "I'm a little concerned about the lasting effects of the poison on your system. I'll want to see you in a week or so, and check up on your progress."

"Alright," I nodded.

"Be patient," he squeezed my shoulder gently. "I promise, you'll be home before you know it."

"Sure, sure."

Hours later, I was finally walking through the cool night air outside. Bella was close to me, her arms encircling my middle, looking morose.

"You gonna be okay?" I asked her softly. She managed a stiff nod. No, no she wasn't.

"Why don't you come over for awhile?" I asked her. Charlie had offered to take Billy and I home, since almost everyone else at the res was asleep. I rubbed her shoulder as she nodded again. I was worried about her, I couldn't remember when she'd ever been this bad off before.

"Ready?" Charlie asked as we got near the truck. I was happy he'd at least left the police cruiser behind, but that meant I was riding in back, away from Bells.

"Yep." I helped get Billy settled. Bella crawled over the driver's seat and sat next to him, leaving Charlie to drive. I leaped into the bed of the truck, sitting on the wheel well.

I had to admit, the cool, wet air felt amazing on my skin as we drove away from the hospital. I closed my eyes, inhaling the sweet scents of pine and mold and moisture, relishing in the freezing rain sliding down my skin. I supposed it was all that time being suck in that stupid bed, but I still felt overheated. And the drive was over a little too quickly. I sighed, heaving myself from the back of the truck, landing in a squishy puddle of mud. I pulled my dad's wheel chair out, and went to ease him out of the front seat.

"Will you give Bella a ride home later?" Charlie asked as I set Billy in his chair.

"Sure, sure," I replied.

"Alright, well, don't stay out too late, Bells. You could really use some sleep." She bit her lip and nodded.

"Okay dad," she murmured. I helped her out of the truck, then dislodged Billy's wheel chair from the muddy ground, gently setting it on the ramp. Charlie took off, the thunderous roar of the engine eventually fading off in the distance.

"Are you guys hungry?" Bella asked in a small voice.

"Definitely," I said, pushing Billy through the doorway.

"I'll make us some dinner."

"I dunno," Billy said slowly, "I think you need to rest, Bella."

"No," she protested, "I'm sick of resting, and thinking, and worrying. I want to _do _something."

"I'll keep an eye on her, dad," I told him. He sighed, but gave up, planting himself in front of the TV. I followed Bella into our tiny kitchen, leaning on the counter as she pulled open the fridge and cupboards, checking out our stock. I let her go about it, quietly thinking. Just as she started dicing up pork chops on a cutting board, I spoke up.

"Talk to me, Bella, honey. Are you okay?" She bit her lip, her hands moving with practiced ease. Apparently, whatever clumsiness sent her hurtling to the ground every ten minutes didn't effect her cooking abilities. I'd never actually seen her move gracefully anywhere, except the kitchen.

"No," she said at last. "I killed our baby."

"No," I corrected, "you didn't. What did the doc say, you remember?" Her bottom lip was trembling, but she carried on resolutely, tossing the diced pork in a frying pan, with some onion and bell pepper. "He said," I continued, when she didn't answer, "that lack of sleep wouldn't have caused a miscarriage." My stomach gave a nasty lurch at the word, but I folded my arms. She had to understand this. "And you were taking your vitamins, eating . . . Bella, this wasn't your fault. Stuff just . . . happens sometimes." She snorted, her face bitter.

"Yeah, it just _happens_," she muttered darkly. I backed off, worried.

"What's that suppose to mean?" I kept my voice gentle.

"Nothing," she said shortly, heaving a sigh. "I'm just very tired of _stuff happening_ to me, and you, and everyone else I care about." I nodded. I was too.

Dinner was an excellent spread of pork fajitas. It was lucky Bella made about four times as much as we actually needed, because I ate almost all of it. I sat back, finally full, feeling much better, though still uncomfortably hot. The table was quiet. Billy had already called a few people to let them know what happened. I knew that in less than a day, everyone would have the story. That's how it worked on the res. Saved a lot of time on explanation, though.

"Want me to take you home?" I asked as I gathered up the dishes and set them in the sink. Bella frowned.

"No, I really wanted to spend some time with you," she said in a low voice. Her face blanched, for half of a second. I could tell she was thinking back to the hospital - my gut squirmed, when I thought about how worried she must have been about me.

"You need sleep," I insisted gently. I didn't want to be away from her either, especially after everything that had happened; but I had to look out for what was best for her.

"I really, really don't want to go home," she murmured, her voice tight.

"Okay, well, I can sleep on the couch," I said softly, "you can take my bed." It really sucked, but there was no way my narrow mattress could hold both of us. She shook her head, looking miserable.

"No, that would just be stupid," she murmured. "I mean, you almost _died_ Jake," her eyes looked watery again. "You need sleep, way more than I do, I think." I reached out and pulled her against me, trailing my fingertips along her spine. She didn't cry, which I thought was a good sign. There was only so much sorrow you could feel, before eventually your insides shut it all down.

"I'll take you home," I breathed in her ear, "but I'll sneak up with you, and stay until you fall asleep, okay?" She frowned a little.

"You need sleep too," she repeated. "I don't know if I can sleep, not after . . . all of this."

"You'll sleep," I assured her. "You've never been able to resist one of my legendary back rubs." I got a very short chuckle from her. It lifted me a little, to hear it. "Let's get you home, honey."

The drive was quiet. I had found my car parked right next to the garage. No doubt, Embry or Quil, who each had a spare set of keys, had moved it. I kept the radio on low, so Bella wouldn't feel like she had to talk. She wasn't ready to yet, I knew. Her brain was completely fried. I was anxious to get her laying down. We pulled up to her house; the lights where all off. I was relieved Charlie had already gone to bed. I let her lead the way up to her room.

"I really need a shower," she murmured. She gathered up some clothes and a fresh towel, disappearing into the bathroom. I plopped down on her computer chair, waiting. As soon as she was out of sight, the feelings I'd been hiding all day came flooding out of me.

Loosing the baby was really tearing me the hell up. I had never wanted anything so bad, in my entire life. I knew, or at least, part of me knew, that maybe this had happened for a reason. It would be better if we were married, and working, but . . . I shook my head, smoothing my hair back. It was like I had lost some small piece of me, today. A piece that I could never get back, no matter what happened. I wanted to see our child, badly. I wanted to know if it would get Bella's eyes, or mine, if it would end up with my chin, or her hair . . . I wanted to meet that kid. There was so much uncertainty now. Because didn't this change everything? She might not want to marry me anymore - what would be the point of doing it so soon? I'd lost my claim to her, in a weird way. I mean, what if somewhere down the road, someone else caught her eye? And if that happened, would I be able to hold on to her? _A baby wouldn't have kept that from happening,_ I thought to myself. No, it wouldn't. But, at least being married, having a family . . . it made a person more stable. And as much as I loved Bells, she wasn't always emotionally stable.

I was so sure that Bella and I were meant to be. I had never once wondered about it, or questioned it, not even for a second. But, how sure did she feel, really? It was one of a thousand questions that I had - questions I would never ask her. I was being a paranoid freak. And if she knew how insecure I was, she'd probably bail. No one wants a guy who feels like this. I heard the taps turn off in the shower. I immediately shoved the feelings away, locking them up in a dark corner. She couldn't know who badly this was hurting me. It would just make her feel worse.

"Better?" I asked as she came back in the room. She'd already donned her loose sweats and baggy t-shirt. Her hair hung around her face in thick coils. I loved how her skin smelled wet . . . kind of flowery - like a spring rain storm. I quietly inhaled the scent - it was delicious to me.

"A little," she admitted. I got up and drew her sheets back while she hung up her towel. I clicked the light off; the room was only illuminated by a dim lamp on her desk. Bella slipped into bed. I got in next to her, under the blankets, so she wouldn't get cold, (even though I was roasting). I had to admit, I was pretty freaking tired myself. I just needed to wait until she feel asleep, then I could drive home and crash out. I stroked her hair, listening as her breathing slowed. Just a few more minutes . . . _nope_. I was out like a light, my arm wrapped securely around her middle.


	13. Uncontrolled

A soft tapping noise flitted through my ears. I groaned, trying to pry my eyes open. Next to me, I felt a flurry of movement. Before I could even register what was happening, Jacob's russet form was silently darting to my window. He spared me a cheeky smirk, before he threw it open, and heaved himself over the frame. I bolted upright, last night coming back to me in a jumbled array of images.

"Bella?" my bedroom door creaked open. I took a deep breath, trying to arrange my face into a nonplussed expression. _Yikes, close call, _I thought to myself. I had no idea Jacob had fallen asleep with me last night. It made my stomach squirm with a strange sort of pleasure. I suddenly wished I had been a little less out of it. It would have been nice if I had actually been cognoscente enough to enjoy the experience.

"Yeah, dad?" I pushed my blankets off; my room was really, really hot. I cast a worried glance to the window - hopefully the cool morning air could regulate the temperature a bit.

"How are you doing, kid?" He leaned in my doorway, not yet dressed for the day. I shrugged and shook my head.

"I don't know, okay I guess."

"Well," he looked me over, "I guess you look a little better. Did you have another nightmare, or something?"

"Uh no, why?" I smoothed my hair back.

"You looked a little geared up, I guess," he shrugged. "Renee called. She's catching an early flight; she'll be getting here late."

"Mom's coming here?" I asked.

"Yeah," Charlie raised an eyebrow at me. "She wants to make sure you're okay." Oh, of course.

"Great," I tried to sound happy, "I miss mom."

"Alright, well," he didn't finish, but turned around and disappeared into the bathroom. I stood upright, the last 72 hours washing over me like a tidal wave.

Jacob was alive! My heart skipped a beat, and warm butterflies erupted in my stomach. He was alive. But the baby . . .

I clicked my teeth together, my eyes lowering to my midriff. A hollow sorrow washed over me, and I stroked my lower abdomen, taking a deep breath.

It all came back to me quickly. Carlisle was standing next to me in the brightly lit hospital room, looking sympathetic.

"It wasn't your diet, or lack of sleep, Bella," he had said in a gentle voice. "Likely, the miscarriage was caused by extreme stress." A dull, thudding noise beat in my ears. "It's perfectly understandable," his cold, marble hand rested on my shoulder. "You've been through some very severe trauma. You cannot hold yourself responsible."

But I did hold myself responsible. I had been to weak too protect our child; too selfish, too worried, and I hadn't been able to control my emotions. Now our baby was . . . gone. Dr. Cullen had given me a small, purple pamphlet before I'd left. Tucked neatly inside was a square, white business card for a local therapist, and a few numbers of other doctors and resources. The little prepared packet made me squirm. It plainly told said that I wasn't the only one who had ever dealt with this. But, I still couldn't forgive myself; I was weak, I had failed our unborn child.

I got to my feet, and made my bed. The room had cooled, finally. Frowning, I went and closed my window. Jacob normally ran hot, but I'd never noticed him changing the temperature of an entire room before. I grabbed my clear, plastic cosmetic bag filled with my toiletries, and went off to the bathroom. My reflection looked back at me steadily. My insides might be crumbling with grief over the loss of the baby, but my face looked normal. It wasn't haggard, or flushed, or weary - it was plain-Jane, smooth and almost healthy looking. I washed and brushed, sweeping my hair back into a loose ponytail gathered around my neck. I shuffled back to my room, slipping on a pair of faded blue jeans and a lightly colored, plaid button up. The normalcy felt good. I realized, with a pang, that all I ever wanted was simple, normal days. My connection with the supernatural made that an impossible wish. I tidied my room a bit, and started down the stairs for breakfast.

I would be insistent, from now on, that no matter what happened, I'd take care of myself. My stupid frailty had cost me too much this time. I would learn to be stronger, I would learn to harden to the world around me; nothing like this could ever, ever happen again.

Before I could pour myself some cereal, there was a firm knock on the front door. I set the bowl on the counter, and swept off to answer it. Jake was standing outside, my favorite smirk playing across his lips.

"Morning, Bells," he wrapped his hot arms around me, pulling me close to his chest. "Sorry about that," he murmured in my ear. "I didn't mean to fall asleep."

"No," I breathed, my pulse quickening, "don't be. I just wish I had been a little more with it last night." I looked up, smiling shyly at him.

"Me too," he sighed. "I'm glad I parked my car around the side of your house. I don't think Charlie noticed." His voice was very low, it didn't carry. "Are you okay?" He stepped back, studying me carefully. I sighed, and bit my lip.

"No," I said finally. "I'm not. Jacob, I'm so- so sorry. I really screwed up, if I had been-"

"Stop." It wasn't a request, but a command. Jacob pushed his hair from his eyes, shaking his head. "Don't be stupid, Bells. You've got to knock off this whole guilt thing. There wasn't anything either of us could have done, okay? And beating yourself up is kinda what lead to all the stress in the first place." I felt my forehead crease. He was right, completely right. This was part of my problem. And I wanted to be different, badly.

"Okay," I nodded. I could do this. I could learn to be stronger. "Be patient with me, Jake. I want to change." He smiled, his white teeth made all the more brighter by his beautiful, reddish hued skin.

"What are you talking about? Bells, I love you just the way you are. But, damn honey, you do beat yourself up. You're like the guilt-champ of the Olympic Peninsula."

"I know," I shook my head, "that's what I mean. I don't want to be this way, I want to be . . . better, somehow." Jacob's hands slid down my sides. He bent over, and gave me a long, burning kiss. I stood up on my tiptoes, my arms around his neck. A smoldering fire was flickering in my chest. "Whatever will make you happy, honey." Jacob sighed, and quickly straightened, taking a step back. I heard footsteps come to the door.

"Morning Jake," Charlie's voice was right behind me. I felt my cheeks tinge a bit. "We've got food kid, if you wanna eat something." I whirled around so fast, my neck cricked.

"He can come in?" I asked uncertainly. Maybe they had made amends at some point. I realized, with a start, that they had been getting along pretty well last night, too. I'd been so out of it, I hadn't even noticed.

"Well, yeah," Charlie gruffed, retreating from the doorway. I looked back at Jacob, he was smiling.

"We patched things up yesterday," he told me.

"Oh good," I was relieved. I had worried this would turn into another Edward situation. My insides cinched up when I thought of his name. I may have been furious with Edward for what he'd done, but it was still hard to comprehend that he was gone. I pushed the feelings away.

"Alright Bells," Jake gently prodded me, "I'm hungry." I smiled, and allowed myself to be walked to the kitchen.

"Oh," I said, as I poured Jacob cereal in one of our biggest mixing bowls, "my mom will be here tonight. You want to meet her, right?"

"Yeah," Jake enthused as I set his bowl in front of him.

"I'll let you know when she gets in. It's suppose to be sometime late."

"Excellent," he dug in to his food. I smiled a little. It was exciting to think that they would finally get to meet.

We finished breakfast pretty quickly. Jake had cleaned us out of two different types of cereal. I made a mental note to go pick some more up at the store later. I noticed, with a twinge of worry, that Jacob was perspiring slightly. I stilled, nonchalantly feeling the air in the room. It was very warm, but only in here. The rest of the house had seemed pretty normal.

"Man, I'm roasting," Jake complained, standing up.

"I noticed," I washed our bowls, eying him with concern. "You feeling okay?"

"Yeah, Bells, no worries," he said. He leaned forward and gave me a quick kiss, smiling. "It's probably all this time I've been spending inside. I'm an outdoors kinda guy, you know." I nodded,

"Well, maybe you should shift, go take a run or something." Charlie had already left for work. He'd been missing a lot of it lately.

"I think I will," Jacob pulled me closer to him. I smiled, reaching to turn off the taps on the sink. "Course, maybe you're the one causing it." I chuckled,

"Yeah, I have the strange ability to control your body temperature," I rolled my eyes.

"Seems like you do," he told me. His lips where on mine, fiercely moving. I let my eyes slip shut; fire was running rampant through my veins. He was a little more aggressive than usual, but I didn't mind. His hand traveled slowly down my arm, coming to rest on my hand. I felt his fingers smooth around the ring he had given me. He stopped suddenly, looking down at me very seriously.

"You still wanna marry me, Bella?" he asked. I bit my lip,

"Yeah, why wouldn't I?" His face seemed to glow.

"I figured, since . . . you know . . ." he took a deep breath. "It would just be understandable, if you wanted to wait, for now." I felt the corner of my mouth pull up.

"Well, maybe not I'm not ready to go get married, you know, tomorrow, or something," I told him carefully. "But I can't live without you, Jake. And I never will, ever again." He beamed, his eyes slipping closed for a moment.

"Damn, it's like I'm having the best dream," he sighed, "I never wanna wake up from this, Bells."

"Lucky you're not sleeping," I stood on my tiptoes and kissed him. It made me warm, seeing how happy he looked. But there was a sort of tension between us; I knew we both felt that little missing piece. I sighed; it would be a long time before it didn't ache so fiercely.

Jacob had been trying very, very hard to hide his grief. And I knew it was for my sake. But, he underestimated how well I could read him. I could detect the sorrow behind his eyes, could feel it seeping out when he breathed, and could hear it in the tightness of his voice - I supposed we were both trying to be strong for each other.

"Ugh, I've definitely got a bad case of cabin fever," he admitted, releasing my hips.

"Go," I waved my hand, "go run and stuff." He gave me a wolfish sort of grin.

"Alright, honey. I'll come back, soon." He gave me a short, sweet kiss, and practically jogged for the door. I could hear him starting his car. He probably wanted to get it back to La Push, and take off from there.

As soon as I was sure that Jacob was well on his way home, I went upstairs and pulled out that purple pamphlet again. I stared at it as I grabbed the phone. This was apart of taking care of myself. I carefully dialed the numbers, and set an appointment to see the therapist.

I was determined to keep my sullenness at bay as I went about cleaning the house. I distracted myself with scrubbing, sweeping, vacuuming, and wiping down counters, sinks, and mirrors. The rhythmic motions and familiarity of the tasks did ease my tension some. But, there was only so much to do. The house was quickly spotless, and I panicked, scrambling for another task. I settled on the couch with a book, and turned the TV on. The noise was soothing. I button mashed through a few channels, finally settling on an old black and white movie that I recognized to be, "The Wolf Man." The irony wasn't lost on me. Smiling slightly, I started reading, letting the actors lines wash over me in the background. My attention was drawn to the screen, when the gypsy in the movie gave her famous line to the main character.

"'Even a main who is pure of heart, and speaks in prayer by night, may become a wolf, when the wolfsbane blooms, and the autumn moon is bright.'" A chill ran down my spine. I'd always loved that quote.

At around five, I got up and started dinner. From what Charlie had said, it sounded like my mom would in much too late to eat with us, but I still wanted to cook. I was just about to start boiling some chicken, when there was a tentative knock on the door. Surprised, I left the meat in the sink, and went to answer it.

The devil himself could have been outside, and I would have been less astonished. Leah Clearwater was standing outside my door, chomping at her bottom lip.

"Uh, hi Leah," I said breathlessly. She frowned up at me, and started rapidly pacing on the small stoop. Finally, she stopped, heaving a deep breath.

"I wanted to say, that I'm . . . really sorry about . . . the baby." Each word seemed to be a struggle for her. I smoothed my face, and nodded slowly.

"Yeah . . . um, thank you," I replied evenly.

"Look," she suddenly burst, her beautiful brown face creased with consternation. "I know that I've been a huge asshole to you." Her hands rung together, but she seemed more frustrated than anxious. "I just hated you, for what you where doing to Jake. He's had a bad time of it already, you know?" I nodded. "So, if you were only in this because of the baby, don't screw with him. Be upfront and honest. The kid doesn't need any more hell from you."

"It isn't just about the baby," I said slowly, "I want to be with Jacob."

"Good," she snapped. "Because, I couldn't take seeing him like that. None of us could." I looked at her carefully.

"You guys do have a right to be upset with me, I was completely awful to him, before."

"Don't be all repentant," she cut me off, "just know that if you leave him, you're pretty much dead to the pack. And . . . I am sorry, that you guys lost your baby." I chewed my cheek.

"I don't mean to be rude," I said, "but, I never would have thought you'd care, about our baby, I mean."

"Yeah, well - Jake was really stoked. And, I can't have any, so I guess I understand some of what you're going through." she muttered. I felt a stab of sympathy for her. Poor Leah. She was so . . . tough, about everything, but I realized how hard it must be for her. There were so many other happy couples around her; she had no one. And not being able to have kids . . . that must have been awful.

"I'm not looking for your sympathy," she snarled. I tried to clear the look from my face, but she must have known what she'd just revealed to me, because she looked angry with herself.

"Look," she started again, her hands balled into fists, "just stop screwing with Jake, okay? If you're going to stick around this time, cool. If not . . .well, be honest with him. Because it's really selfish to string him along." I nodded.

"I want to be with him," I repeated softly. She gave me a tight nod.

"Good," she turned on her heel, and started off down the sidewalk. I watched her disappear around the corner, unable to feel anything but an overwhelming sympathy for her. Her snarling, tough demeanor was just a defense mechanism. Underneath it all, Leah Clearwater was like any other woman.

Charlie came home, looking exhausted. I set a bowl of chicken and dumplings in front of him, frowning.

"Everything okay?" I asked, sitting across from him.

"No," he muttered, taking a deep breath. "All my paperwork was backlogged, and my deputies hardly did a damn thing while I was gone. I had to go through about a week's worth of tickets and reports before I could even get my stuff started."

"I'm sorry dad," I murmured. He looked stressed out.

"No problem," he shrugged, shoveling down spoonfuls of food. "I gotta go back to work though. I only stopped in for dinner."

"Oh," I said, "that's okay dad. I can go get mom from the airport."

"That would be great," he'd already cleaned his bowl.

"Take some with you," I said, getting to my feet. I grabbed out plastic container and scooped another heaping serving into it, snapping the lid of the top. Charlie accepted it gratefully.

"See you later," he said, heading back out the door.

"Bye, dad," I called after him. I sat down and slowly finished my meal, the silence in the house overbearing.

I did the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen. The TV blared in the background. I was getting a little worried that I hadn't heard from Jake yet. Normally, he didn't like to be away from me for more than a few hours, if he had any choice. I immediately shook the thought away. He'd been cooped up for days; he was probably just enjoying a good run through the woods, and had lost track of time. And, I realized, just like I had been scrubbing and cooking, to suppress my depression over the baby, Jake was out there, doing the same thing. It made sense, both of us taking some time to get through it in our own way.

But as the clock ticked closer to me having to leave, I got a little more anxious. Breaking down, I tried calling his house. The phone rang and rang. I bit my lip. _They're just busy_, I shook my head. _Stop being stupid._ I sighed. Renee might have to wait until tomorrow to meet Jacob. I pocket my keys and slipped on my heavy raincoat. It was a typical gale outside. I threw up my hood to protect my hair from getting frizzy, and warmed up my truck. I hoped my mom didn't mind a long ride to her hotel.

The drive to Port Angeles was slow. I was glad I had left so early; I didn't want to leave my mom waiting in this kind of weather. I carefully followed the signs for William R. Fairchild International Airport, keeping to the far right of the lanes. My truck vibrated when I pushed 55, and the roads around here had much higher speed limits posted. Finally, I emerged into the narrow pick up line for United flights. Renee was standing outside of gate C. She waved enthusiastically when she could distinguish me in my huge truck.

"Wow, some ride!" She exclaimed. I helped her cram her luggage around her feet. It would get soaked in the back. "Hi baby!" Her voice was a mix of happiness and sorrow. I threw my arms around her, both of us hugging each other a little awkwardly through our heavy jackets. "Well," she sighed, leaning back, "I would offer to drive, but I don't think I could handle this bad boy." I smiled,

"Yeah, my truck takes some getting use to," I said.

"Is this the one Charlie got for you?"

"Yep," I nodded, slowly pulling out into traffic.

"Well, it's got a good personality," Renee said, her eyes darting around the interior. I felt the corners of my mouth lift. Only Renee would think a vehicle could have personality. "Sweetie, I'm so sorry you lost the baby. I rushed down here figuring you'd really need me to help you through it, but you seem . . .okay." I nodded slightly, focusing on merging back onto the highway.

"I guess, I don't know, I guess I'm just relieved I didn't loose Jacob, too," I murmured.

"What happened to Jacob?" my mom asked immediately. I bit my lip. Right, she hadn't been told about that part. And how was I suppose to explain that he'd nearly died, but was now miraculously on his feet, unscathed?

"He was pretty sick," I settled for a half-truth. "The doctors weren't really sure what was wrong. But, he managed to recover."

"Oh Bella," my mom breathed. "Oh baby, things are so hard for you up here. I wish you'd come back home." I glanced quickly at her,

"I am home, mom," I said quietly. "I love Forks."

"Oh, you know what I mean," she waved her hand. "I miss you! And Phil does too."

"How is Phil?" I asked, taking the chance to change the subject. Without further prompting, my mother launched into a long explanation about his injury, and how he was getting along in physical therapy. I listened to her voice, not really hearing the words. I had missed my mother, a lot.

"You wouldn't believe some of those doctors, oh my goodness! No common sense, none at all. Do you know they don't even know what healing chakra's are? But it's okay, I've gotten some really good books about it, and I've been making sure that I've got it covered. I think it's actually working, because he seems to be recovering much more quickly then I would have thought. Oh honey, it's a right off this exit. I'm staying at the Pine Inn just outside of town." I shook my head out of my daze, and carefully drove onto the exit ramp, following my mother's vague instructions until I finally spotted her hotel.

"So when do I get to meet him?" my mom asked. I was helping her haul her luggage up the stairs.

"Tomorrow," I told her. "He had some other stuff to do tonight." Apparently.

"Oh, well he better be focusing on recovering," Renee said. "I should get some crystals for him too, maybe it'll help him." I bit back a smile.

"Yeah," I agreed. My mom swiped her key card and pushed into her room. I helped her get her stuff squared away. There was a tiny, 24 hour restaurant right across the street. We walked there, and I sat with my mom while she got something to eat. We whiled away some time, catching up. I reached across the table to grab a packet of sugar for my tea. Renee gasped, making me jump a little.

"Is that a ring?" she asked. She didn't wait for an answer, but tugged at my hand, studying it carefully. "Oh, he knows you pretty well," she smiled. "This totally fits your personality." She let go of my hand, a playful look in her eyes. "When did he propose?"

"A week ago, I think," I said slowly. It was actually kind of hard to remember when.

"How did he do it?" I remembered back to that moment, and the smolder that he made me feel erupted in my chest.

"He slipped it on my finger, while he was kissing me," I mumbled, feeling a brilliant blush splay across my cheeks.

"Oh, romantic!" Renee laughed. "I'm just glad you're happy, sweetheart."

"I am," I admitted.

"So, things with you and Edward are definitely kaput?" At the mention of his name, my stomach gave a weird lurch.

"Yeah," I finally managed. "Yeah, he's . . . as good as gone now." I thought Renee noted something in my face, but she didn't say anything more about it.

"Well, you and Jacob take your time. A nice, lengthy engagement never hurt anyone. And you really want to make sure that you're serious. People can change, you know." I nodded.

"Yeah, we're not like, going to get married next week, or something, mom. I think we both want to take it slow."

"That's great, sweetie," my mom squeezed my hand.

Renee promised me she'd be getting her rental car tomorrow. She smoothed a kiss over my forehead before I left.

"I'll see you in the morning," she enthused. "Maybe we can go find something fun to do together."

"That would be great, mom," I told her. There wasn't really much to do in Forks, but I didn't point that out. Renee always managed to find something interesting, even in the middle of no where. I wished her goodnight, and slowly made my way back to my truck.

I knew, almost immediately, that I didn't really want to go back home. I hoped that Jacob had left me a message or something, because I was strangely anxious to see him. But, it was nearly midnight now. I couldn't just barrel down to La Push and knock on his door. I sighed, and resigned myself to driving home.

The lights where off in the house. I noticed that Charlie's police cruiser was outside. He must have gone straight to bed. I slipped out of my truck, heading for the front door.

"Bella," I heard Jacob's voice from the trees next to my house. Frowning, I slowly walked over, minding the huge, muddy puddles.

"Jacob?" I asked.

"Stop there." I hesitated, about ten feet away from him. Even from a distance, I could see something was wrong. Steam was rising from his body, and his skin was completely soaked, despite the fact that it was barely misting, now. His posture, and the look on his face, it reminded me of something, but I couldn't quite place what.

"Jake," I squirmed, resisting the urge to run up to him. He looked so . . . hurt somehow, like he was in pain. My instincts was to throw my arms around him, to try and make it go away.

"Baby," he took a deep breath, "I'm gonna have to stay away from you for a little while, I think." I felt my heart plummet to my feet. It took a few moments for his words to really register.

"Wait, what? Why?" I demanded.

"Somethings . . . wrong," he muttered. It was then that I made the connection- this reminded me of that time right after he'd snapped, a few years ago. His skin was quivering, I could see now, and his fists where clenched. Every muscle in his body was tensed, like he was resisting the urge to hit something. "I . . . I can't shift," the words where a snarl. "I'm . . . god, I'm freaking crazy, right now." He looked up at me, and I saw his eyes burning with a fierce, angry regret.

"You can't shift," I said slowly.

"No." The word was just rage. It broke my heart. "I'm going . . . I'm going to the doc. I'm sorry, Bells." The way his sentences burst from him, it sounded like each and every syllable was struggle. I took a few tentative steps forward.

"Stay. Away. From. Me." He spit, his voice a dangerous snarl. I stopped, nodding slowly. He wasn't in control. He couldn't get in control. I understood, quite plainly, why he didn't want me near me. My heart was cracking. I watched his chest heave. "I love you."

"I love you too, Jake," I said quietly. With that, Jacob ran, disappearing into the gloomy forest. I stood there, shocked and numb, the rain misting down overhead.

**End Part One**


	14. Full Moon

I had been quarantined. Day in, day out, I was trapped in a dilapidated old house off the coast. Women were forbidden to be around me, all of them, and so were the kids. Only the pack came now. Someone had thrown an old mattress into the living room, along with my bedding. And someone always came with food. Always. Because I couldn't stop eating. I was never satisfied.

"Hey," Paul came in the door. "Bella said you'd like this." He was holding a large casserole dish with cheese covering the top. My fist flew through the wall.

"Why the hell where you around my woman?" I snarled.

"I was getting food. She says she loves you, and misses you."

"STAY AWAY FROM HER!" Paul just managed to set the dish down before I rushed him, my left hand making contact with his jaw, breaking it. We tumbled across the splintery wooden floor, plowing right through the wall, stopped only by the studs. Paul broke my nose, causing me to pummel him in the ribs. I felt a sharp kick to my kidney's, but only snarled, welcoming the pain. Because god damn it, I could just smell her on him. I could just detect the barest hint of her scent. I scrambled to my feet, booking it for the door.

"No," Paul's voice was muffled through his useless jaw. I felt him wrap his arms around my legs, sending me smashing into the floor. Blood trickled down my chin. I spat out a bright red mouthful of it, and kicked Paul in the face. "Guys!" He yelled. They rest where outside, trading off on standing guard. I had to get to her. I had to claim her, make sure no one else could ever, ever take her away from me. No one else would touch her! Bella Swan was _mine._

"Whoa, bro," Quil was in front of the door, his hand on my chest. I tried to throw him off, but Embry was right behind him. With Paul's help, they tackled me, holding me down.

"Damn it, Black!" Embry yelled. "You don't want to be near her right now, calm down bro!"

"Screw you!" I snarled, struggling against their grips. I _needed_ to be near her, I needed to-

"You'll freaking kill her, Jake. Hear me? You. Will. Kill. Her." Quil's voice enunciated every last syllable. _Kill her. I would kill her. _

"Motherfu-"

"Breathe, bro, just breathe," Paul murmured, his jaw already on the mend. I took deep, ragged breaths.

"Thanks," I growled. Slowly, they let me up, though Embry went and stood right in front of the door. I took to my feet.

"Son of a bitch!' I roared suddenly, my fist shattering another wide hole in the wall. That's why I was here. The house had been condemned for almost 10 years. The tribe used it for the kids who'd just starting shifting. I was starting to wonder if there'd be anything left, once I got out of here. _If you ever get out of here,_ my mind snarled. I clenched my jaw so hard I thought my teeth might break. I bent at the middle, gasping, trying to get under control - but to no avail.

"Eat, man," Embry nodded towards the food Paul had set on the floor. I nodded, still heaving.

"You've got this, bro, you've got this," Quil patted my back.

"No, I don't," a bitter smirk curled my lips. "I'm freaking crazy. Crazy."

"Naw," he waved his hand. "It's cool man, you're not crazy. Don't worry about it." I straightened up, still breathing like a winded runner, and slowly made my way to the food my girl had sent up. The smallest, sanest part left of me felt a very, very tiny increment of happiness. Paul handed me a fork. I slumped against the wall, the entire dish in my lap, and began devouring it. Everyone took several steps back. Last week I'd tried to stab Jared, for no other reason then he got to close to me while I was eating. _Last week._

"That useless sack of rocks figure anything out yet?" I snarled between mouthfuls.

"No, not yet," Embry said slowly. "He's trying though, man."

"Right," I growled. Dr. Fang had been about as helpful as a hole in the head. The only thing he'd managed to do so far was knock me out every night, so I could sleep. Sam had no idea what the hell was going on with me either. No one did.

I was stuck. I was stuck just on the edge of shifting. The hot, molten core in my chest was searing through my body, my skin quivered and . . . nothing happened. I couldn't pull myself away from it. I couldn't push it forward. The pressure . . . oh my freaking god, the pressure. I was literally going insane. Completely, and utterly insane. It was like a monster was beating against my rib cage, trying to get out. And I couldn't let it out. So, I was trying to tear my freaking skin off. I ripped at my hair, threw my fists into the walls, attacked my pack mates . . . anything to try to get this god-awful feeling out of my bones. And nothing worked. Nothing at all.

What might have been worse was that I was sweltering, all the time now. I could have melted a valley of snow, with how hot my skin was. The heat, the pressure; I was a bomb, frozen just before the explosion. But that energy had to be displaced somewhere. So, I threw it everywhere. Out of control was an understatement, I was a war unto myself, with the destructive power of a hurricane. I was a danger to everyone. A few more days, and I just might loose my mind completely.

The doc tried to keep me knocked out, but the sedatives only gave me a few hours of sleep per dose. I burned through them like water. And I was pretty sure he had to use a hell of a lot to get them to do anything.

Besides, that drug-induced sleep didn't do a damn thing for me. It just kept throwing me into red, violent dreams . . . and Bella was almost always there. I woke up screaming, not stopping until I was assured she was okay, that I hadn't gotten to her. I didn't want to hurt her, not even a little bit. But I was so brutal right now, that even in my dreams, I was conscious of where my insatiable passion would lead. It was a scary, ugly place. It made me physically sick.

All of this stupid bull had started right after I had gotten back to La Push. My body tried to lurch into a shift, all on its own, as soon as I'd cleared my car door. I was a quivering, sweating mass of rage, and nothing could make it any better. Sam had put very firm orders in place; everyone, including my dad, was to stay far away from me. The pack was my only connection to the world now. I wasn't even allowed out to run; there was too much worry that I might cross paths with a stray person, that something might happen. Some meager part of my mind, probably the only part that still had a shred of sanity, was glad that I couldn't hurt anyone. And, that night, with my entire pack trailing after me in human form, I'd gone to Bella's house. I'd told her what was happening. And then I had bolted, before I could see her break down, so I wouldn't be tempted to try and comfort her. She was safe. And that mattered, a hell of a lot. Some cramped corner of my mind agreed. It mattered.

So, I restlessly paced up and down the decaying ocean-front house, pummeling walls, putting my foot through cabinets, ripping down lights and support beams, smashing windows; whatever. The pain seemed to bring me back from the brink; it flooded my mind with something other than the demanding, hellish pressure inside my body. Quil, Embry, and sometimes Jared all offered to spar with me, to let me get it out of my system. But I didn't take them up on it often. I felt like a complete asshole when I accidentally broke one of their arms or noses, lost in my fit of rage, never mind trying doing it on purpose.

I polished off the casserole, sure it had tasted good, even if my spiraling thoughts had distracted me from enjoying it. I slid the empty dish back towards Paul.

"Thanks," I snapped. "Tell her . . . thanks." I balled my fists up, taking long, harsh breaths. _Stop thinking about her, idiot!_

"Jake?" A voice sounded from outside. It was Seth. I had put my foot down, when I'd still been able to make coherent decisions the week before, and forbade Seth from coming near me. I knew the kid could survive whatever I dished out, but he was too young. His sister wasn't allowed in here either, because if I snapped on her, that'd just be sick. And, Leah had a habit of pissing me off pretty good. Embry caught the thunderous look on my face, and quickly slipped outside, slamming the door behind him. "Hey man," I could hear Seth saying. "Just wanted to let you know the doc's been doing some research. He wants Jake outside during the full moon. He wants to make him look at it, or something." Embry burst out laughing; it sounded like his hands where slapping his knee.

"Oh," he said after a minute, "you're serious."

"Yeah," Seth said coolly. "Dude, it's better than nothing. Otherwise Sam might not have any choice but to . . . you know." I felt my blood boiling. So, apparently, I couldn't even be trusted with the decisions Sam was making, _about me_. I gave out a howl of frustration, digging my short nails into my palms. _Breathe_, my head raged. _Breathe, breathe, breathe, you useless, out-of-control sack of-_

"When's the full moon?" Embry asked.

"Two days, I guess."

"Right, we'll uh, figure it out then. Thanks man."

"Sure, sure," Seth said. I heard his footsteps crunching on the gravelly ground as he retreated. I kept heaving in air, sure I was hyperventilating.

"So, uh," Quil said, looking concerned, "you want me to go get your next dose, or something bro?"

"No," I spat, "screw those stupid seds." I suddenly spun around, still seated, and hauled my fist into a visible stud behind me. I heard the 4x4 snap, along with one of my knuckles. The pain radiated through my hand. I managed a little bit of a grimace. A sharp, digging needle suddenly bit into my arm. I snarled, turning. Paul had a syringe in his hand, and was backing quickly away from me. I stood, ready to chase him down and stick _him_ with that stupid needle but . . . the room . . . got all . . . _wobbly_. I felt myself sway unsteadily. A few strong hands caught me, before I landed face-first on the floor.

I was thrown into another horrific, agonizingly detailed nightmare. I saw Bella, dead in so many ways. She laid there, helplessly bleeding, with a deathly white face, fragile, narrow hands trembling, reaching for me . . .it was hell. Because I had done it to her. I had broken her tiny, beautiful body. I had killed the only woman I'd ever love. _Me_.

I woke up, rolled over, and puked. My fingers clawed at the wooden floor, leaving marks behind. I wiped my mouth and pushed myself to my feet. Night had fallen. Jared and Embry were both curled up on the ground a little ways away, sleeping. Balling my fists, I moved to the back of the house, trying to breathe; _just breathe. _

Not for the first time that week, I wondered if I shouldn't just let Bella go. Dump her, beg her to move on, and then get the hell out of town. She needed a _normal_ man, for the love of god. Someone who wasn't going to accidentally kill her. So far, it seemed like the secretly murderous types where her cup of tea. Jeez, I loved that girl, but what the hell was wrong with her? Why couldn't she have fallen for one of the kids in her class?

My mind suddenly swam with the face of that marshmallow she'd dragged to the movies with us, a while back. I threw my arm through a cabinet door, the wood sinking all the way to my elbow. No, no I couldn't _stand_ the thought of her being with someone else. It made me want to rip the poor bastard, (Mike, I think), apart, limb from limb. My lips curled into a twisted smile. _Damn it_, I snarled. _Control. Stay in control! _Blood was dripping down my arm. Even as I went to wipe it way, the pain was gone; it had healed. I clenched fistfuls of my hair, resisting the urge to scream. _No relief, no relief_.

I had to keep a weird kind of balance up. It was good, if I could think about Bella, briefly. It kept me just sane enough to remember why I wasn't trying to drown myself or something. But, I couldn't think about her too much. And I couldn't think about anyone being around her. Or talking to her. Or touching her. It seemed I could think about her leaving me, so long as I never got to the part where she moved on. If it caused me some kind of emotional pain, it was okay, and it kept me from going over the edge. But if it enraged me, it was really, really bad, and just made everything worse.

I laughed suddenly, a deep, wretched sound that tore up my throat. I sounded crazy. I sounded freaking insane, right down to my pervasive strategies for keeping myself together. The sound cut off abruptly. I ground my teeth. My feet started their heavy, plodding pace again. I maintained the balance. Embry and Jared almost got a full night's sleep. Almost.

Sometime around dawn, just as I started to smell the plants warming up, Doc Fang came back. The murderous shout that clawed out of my throat woke everyone up. Jared and Embry, with Quil and Paul right on their heels, all took hold of me. I was raging; kicking, punching, screaming, biting; I wanted a piece of that disgusting vampire, I wanted to rip that smooth marble apart, even if I wasn't physically capable in human form.

"Good morning, Jacob," Carlisle said with smooth courtesy. He glanced at my entourage. "No changes?"

"He's getting worse," Paul snapped, struggling to hold me back. "Damn it, Jake! Knock it off!" I shook my head, willing the rage to go away. Nothing happened.

"Come on bud, this guy's trying to help you," Embry looked me in the eye. "You're stronger than this shit man, come on, control it." I heaved lungfuls of air, but the anger barely dissipated.

"You're beta man, you're beta. Nothing can control you, come on, bro," Quil's low voice sounded from behind me.

"Get me out of here," I snarled. I was loosing it. Grunting, my boys dragged me towards the kitchen. I did my best to try not to fight. It didn't really work. They left Paul at the doorway. I listened to the conversation, pacing back and forth, ripping a few cupboard doors off their hinges.

"How long is it taking for the sedatives to wear off, now?" Dr. Cullen was asking in a low voice.

"I dunno, like an hour, or something," Quil guessed. "What's this shit about the moon, doc? You really think that'll help him?"

"I'm not sure," Carlisle admitted. I could hear his agitated steps. His movement drove me nuts. I ripped off the door to the oven and threw it bodily at the fridge. It made an incredibly, metallic banging noise, and left a huge dent in the door. There was a pause.

"Damn it, bloodsucking bastard!" I hollered, "stop effing moving before I come in there-" The leech stopped. His scent was stilled. I felt my heart beating hard against my chest. But the hunter was quelled. I relaxed, a tiny, little bit. "Ugh, I'm sorry!" I roared, my voice dripping with hatred.

"Don't concern yourself with it, Jacob, I can only imagine what you're going through," the vamp said in a gentle voice. It made me want to rip his shiny head right off of his stoney shoulders. _Breathe, breathe, breathe_. "Well, as you all probably know, the legend of the full moon and werewolves is famous. Now, obviously, it's untrue. You can shift completely at will. But, unlike myths, most legends tend to have a hint of truth to them. I was wondering if maybe, the sight of the full moon might not _push_ your kind to shift."

"Sounds pretty cheesy," Embry sighed. "I've never noticed anything. You guys?"

"Nope," Quil and Jared both said. In front of me, Paul silently shook his head.

"I didn't think so," Carlisle admitted. "But, living in the Olympic Peninsula has its disadvantages. Have any of you ever actually looked up at a full moon? Since you first shifted, I mean." There was a long pause.

"You know man, I don't think I have," Quil admitted. "It's always raining."

"Exactly," Carlisle sounded relieved. "And the rest of you?" There was a shaking of heads and some soft, 'no's.' "Then, I suppose we must try. Otherwise, I will be at a complete loss as to what to do. Not that I'll give up, mind you."

I didn't give a rat's ass how cheesy it sounded. I was determined to try anything- I _had_ to make this stop. I had to get back in control.

The very last memory I had of real events was Carlisle giving my pack mates his theory. After that, I was _gone_. The only reason I had any idea of what happened was because everyone else filled me in later. I'd completely lost my mind. I was a writhing, raging, howling beast with absolutely no control, no cognitive thoughts. Bella couldn't even come into La Push; I had happened to catch just the faintest trace of her scent and had almost ripped Quil's arm off trying to get to her. Carlisle had no choice but to keep my heavily sedated. He sat in the rickety house right next to me, dosing me every hour or so. I remembered nothing, except the nightmares.

As long as I live, I will never forget those hellish nightmares. Everywhere I looked, I saw pools of Bella's blood. Her scent completely suffocated me, driving me mad. Her helpless, stiff body was every where I turned. I couldn't run from it. She always ended up right in front of me.

_How could you do this to me, Jake?_ Her blue lips moved, eyes flashing open, too dull against her dead, white flesh. And suddenly the scent changed, it was cloying, sickly sweet. And my Bella was standing in front of me. She was beautiful, terrible; her skin was hardened marble and she was struggling against someone, moaning that she wanted to rip me apart. Snarling, I braced myself, ready to tear her into pieces. A pair of cold, white arms was grasping her from behind. His strange, ocher eyes stared at me. _No Bella, my love. Don't hurt him_. My lips pulled back, my teeth gleamed. I wanted to obliterate both of them. I wanted to destroy every last piece of their beings. The freak still stared. _I've won, Jacob Black. Bella is my wife. All is as it should be._ Without warning, they were gone.

I was in the forest, bolting through the trees with immeasurable speed. The wind held a heavy scent of fire and smoke. I was racing towards it, my paws invisible along the ground. I reached a strange clearing, one that I had never seen before. My dad was standing around a huge bonfire, dressed in traditional Quileute ceremonial vestments He didn't have a wheelchair anymore. It was like the car accident that had killed my mother, and crippled him, had never happened.

_You've disappointed me son_, his voice was majestic through the trees. _You run from your heritage, you defile the sacred blood that has been passed down to you for generations. You allow a Uley to lead, when you are the true chieftain of our tribe._

_No dad, _I protested. _I just lost it, I lost it for a second, that's all. I haven't dishonored anybody. I swear._

_You're on the wrong path, Jacob. If you cannot learn to shoulder the responsibility, and lead our spirit warriors, all will be lost. The death of hundreds, will redden your hands, my son._

_What are you talking about?_ I demanded, floating nearer to him.

_When the other is lost, you must do what is right._ Everything was fading.

_Dad?_ I called. The clearing was suddenly empty again, nothing more than a normal ring of trees. I paced around it, searching. I couldn't find anything.

I don't know how long I stayed like this, utterly crazed and driven further into it by the horrible, haunting nightmares. But I do remember when I came to.

"Please, make sure that you are gentle." I felt myself being bound in a strange position, more like hog tied, really. Quil and Embry where on either side of me, using rope made for fishing rigs to secure my hands and feet together.

"Screw being gentle," Quil shook his head. "Jake's gone, man. I hope this works, doc. I really hope this works."

"Just because he isn't in his right mind, doesn't mean he can't feel pain," Carlisle reprimanded softly.

"Poor bastard," Embry breathed. "I mean, shit, what happens if this doesn't work? Will Jake stay this way forever? I can hardly stand it man. I've been going crazy just watching him."

"Let us not dwell on that, right now," Carlisle soothed. "I know that this has been very difficult, on all of you. I'm hoping that the inhibitor I gave him will help." Oh, that's why I wasn't moving. The aching, snarling pressure was still trying to break my bones to get out. But I couldn't move - I could barely think. I was a rag doll.

"What the hell was that stuff, anyway?" Embry asked. He and Quil both heaved, lifting me off the floor. They each had one of my sides.

"It was a very dangerous mixture of drugs," Carlisle sighed. "I doubt you'd care to hear the finer details, but needless to say, it is hand made. And far stronger than anything I would dare give a human. He can't move. I'll need to monitor his breathing as best I can, to be sure his heart his still functioning."

"Should have done this a few days ago," Quil mumbled. "Mighta saved me a broke leg."

"I apologize," Dr. Cullen continued. "The inhibitor is dangerous. It's also unkind, to leave Jacob in that kind of agony, but unable to express it. Keeping him asleep was the better option, I think."

"Yeah, sure," Quil muttered.

I was being carried to a sleek, black car. Carlisle opened the door for Quil. He tossed me in the back.

"You gentleman are more than welcome to ride with me, if you'd like," he told them.

"No offense, doc, but I'd rather run," Embry said quickly.

"We'll need to get very high up, and pray that there won't be cloud cover."

"Got it," Quil said. "We'll follow you up, doc."

"Very well." Carlisle dipped into his car. The engine purred to life, and we all but flew out of the reservation, taking the highway at probably 120 miles per hour. He turned us sharply to the left and we drove some more. I was only vaguely aware of what was going on.

At some point, and I dunno how long, Carlisle suddenly stopped the car.

"Perfect," he breathed. He was out of his door, and hauling me from the backseat with blinding quickness. Behind, I heard heavy panting. Quil and Embry had made it, obviously. With a quick, soft _snap_, my ropes fell free. Carlisle had broken them as though they were mere threads. I flopped towards the ground, though didn't hit, because the vamp caught me. He slung me over his back.

"To the cliff, boys," he urged. We moved at a blinding speed. I felt a dull ache in the small space where the pressure wasn't trying to kill me. I wanted to run. Bad. We got up a little higher, and Carlisle gently set me on the ground. I could only lay there, and stare upwards. I could barely breathe, let alone move. Suddenly, a cloud parted overhead. Gentle, blue rays of moonlight washed over me. The urge in my chest gave a twisted spasm; there was a momentary pause and then it was back, tenfold, writhing inside of me. If I could have screamed, I would have. The monster was breaking my bones now, ripping my rib cage apart to get out. My eyes were full of the moon. Every other thought was pushed out of my head. I felt the fiery core at my center burn . . . and . . .it exploded.

My arms shortened into thick, meaty forelegs, my skin quivered as fur prickled all over my body. I widened, my face elongating into a huge, sensitive snout. My eyes sharpened, able to trace the movements of bats flapping chaotically through the spiraled trees. I could hear noises from miles away; sounded like a college frat house was throwing a party. I could only manage a very, very slow sigh of relief. It was over.

_Oh god, thank you._

_JAKE! JAKE! HOLY SHIT!_ Quil danced around me, yipping and howling and exploding with glee. Embry was letting out a long, joyous howl that could probably be heard all the way back in La Push.

_Damn it, dude, I was so sure we'd lost you!_ Embry headbutted me, hard enough to move me a few inches. I couldn't move, the sedative was still in full effect. Carlisle was beaming down at us, actually managing a weak laugh of relief. I realized that he probably didn't know that I was pretty much back to normal.

_One of you fill him in_, I said wearily. _I can't move, not until these damn drugs wear off. _Quil quickly shifted back

"Way to go doc!" He beat Carlisle on the shoulder, grinning. "He's Jake again. He sounds like Jake. Damn it, thank you!" The doctor sighed.

"I'm very, very relieved that this has worked," he said. "Now, Jacob, I'm sure you're exhausted. I'd like to get you home, please." It took every ounce of strength to nod my head. He wasn't wrong. I'd had one hell of a bad trip. I didn't bother to shift back. I let Carlisle throw my furry, wolfy hide back into his car. I didn't want to shift back. Not for awhile, at least.


	15. Ravenous

My thumbs twiddled on my lap. The student adviser was smiling, her eyes roving down my transcript.

"Well, Miss Swan, it seems as though you're exactly what the University of Washington is looking for. And no doubt, we can easily get you set up with some grants from the state. If you could give me a little time, I may even be able to get you reviewed with a few of our scholarship committees. What semester where you planning on starting?"

"Um, spring, I guess" I murmured. I was too late for fall semester. It was nearly September.

"Uh huh, that'll be perfect," she nodded. "Alright, so what I need from you is some contract information. This is your current address and phone number, correct?" I nodded. "There may be a few essay requirements for some of the scholarships, but I'm sure it's nothing you can't handle."

"Okay, great," I stood up. The plump woman grasped my hand, smiling warmly.

"I should be in touch with you in a month, at the latest," she assured me. Her long, red nails scraped against the manilla envelope as she tucked my paperwork away.

"Right, well thanks," I breathed. The woman grinned as I made my way from her office.

Seattle was a very busy place. Everywhere I looked there were scores of people, and traffic; the noises mixed discordantly with a nauseating smell of exhaust. There was something soothing about it too, though. I missed being surrounded by people wherever I went. All those lives being played out, in close proximity to each other, everyone with their problems, and hurts, loves and betrayals . . . there was something sort of beautiful about it.

I opened the door to the cruiser and slid in. My dad nodded to me.

"So, how'd it go?"

"Good," I said, snapping my seat belt into place. "They're pretty sure they can get some scholarships and stuff."

"Well, that's something," Charlie nodded, starting his car. "Course, you know sweetheart, I've got some money saved up. It's suppose to be for your college education."

"I know," I said, staring out the rainy window. "I just don't want you to have to use it on me."

"Well, what else am I going to use it on, Bells? You're my kid, I want to make sure you've got a good start to life."

"I know," we weren't looking at each other. Charlie was leaning forward, peering at a stoplight, and I was staring resolutely out my window. It seemed easier for us to talk this way.

"Hell of a drive," he sighed. "I wish you'd consider Port Angeles."

"This is a better school," I said slowly. "But, maybe I can just start with online classes or something, to get through the cores."

"That might be good, I'm not ready to have you move out, not just yet." I smiled at the window.

"Alright, dad."

"Welp, we're going to need to get a you a new car, I think," Charlie shook his head. "That truck of yours seems to wanna die."

"Yeah," I clenched my teeth.

My cantankerous old truck seemed to be on its last leg suddenly. And it was impossible to get Jake to look at it. It was actually impossible to get Jake to see me. I twisted my engagement ring around on my finger. It had been a month and a half, since we'd spent any time together.

It hadn't been a gradual thing, either. One day, Jacob was apparently out of his mind, to such an extent that he had to be kept completely sedated; the next, he was fine. Or, mostly fine. Billy had told me that he was still a little out of it. And he'd refused to see me. I would call, and get a sympathetic explanation from his dad. I'd stop by, and he'd be completely gone. His pack was gone with him, too. No one could answer my questions. Over and over again, I got the same, vague responses. "I'm sorry, Bella. He doesn't think it's safe." "Don't worry, he'll come to you when he's ready." When he was ready. Why was it up to him, all the sudden?

I bit my lip as Charlie merged us on the highway. Traffic jolted around him, slowing down to let him pass. No one wanted a cop car behind them.

"Freaking idiots," Charlie muttered, carefully passing a line of cars. "Guess they don't realize I can't pull them over this far out of my jurisdiction."

"Or with me in the car," I replied.

"Yeah, that too."

I was frustrated, to say the least. And, it was more than just missing Jacob; because, I did miss him. I missed him every second, of every hour, of every day. He cropped up in my dreams, dark and handsome; I could feel his hot hands on my skin, his lips covering my mouth, his slow, husky breath in my ear . . . and I'd wake up wanting to cry or throw something. It wasn't a hollowing sadness, not anymore. It felt more akin to anger. I had been robbed of something basic - it was like I was being denied food. And instead of despairing, I was anxious and tense, ready to fight for my survival. The strange, overwhelming power this strength gave me - it was foreign, almost unnatural in my chest. I was slowly becoming stronger. I could feel it. The wishful fantasy's of love and romance were being stripped away. He was tearing me apart, slowly, and something harder was replacing the softness.

I'd always been close to this, or at least, I thought I had. My natural inability to be comfortable in crowds, or under the spotlight had always nudged me to this conclusion. I was just waiting for the reason, I guess. Because I wasn't callous enough to do it on my own; I couldn't just harden without some sort of cause. Now, I had it; that excuse to get angry, that driving need to protect myself, instead of waiting for someone else to do it for me. Jacob Black, the man who had sworn he'd always love me, was trying to get rid of me. I wasn't going down without a fight. Because he wasn't the only one who could fight, and he needed to realize that. I wanted control of my own destiny, for once. I wanted to take charge of _something_, to call the shots.

Edward had decided everything before, leading me to an inevitable conclusion. I had gone along with it, too afraid that wholly disagreeing would take him away from me. And that grating lack-of-control had led me into Jake's arms, months ago. Now, history was trying to repeat itself. Someone else was deciding what was best for me, someone else was going to change the very fabric of my future. I had a right to be angry, didn't I? I wasn't a little girl, completely indefensible and naive. I was very close to turning 19; the tapestries of childhood had been shed long ago. I knew what I wanted, and I wasn't going to let Jake mess it up, just because he was afraid. We had no time for fear, no room for it. Someday, we would both die. And I wouldn't let him waste our chance together, just because he was scared. I had to do something.

My resolve felt comforting as we finally pulled up to the house, a few hours later. I slipped out of the cruiser and carefully stretched. That _was _a long drive.

"I'm thinking pizza or something," Charlie said. "I don't wanna make you cook tonight. We had a pretty long day."

"Sure, dad," I said. "I was actually going to go down to La Push, I think.

"Eh," Charlie stared at the ground, "that boy talking to you again?" I shook my head slightly.

"No, not yet, but he will be, or I think I'll have to call this whole thing off." It could have been my imagination, but it almost looked like Charlie smirked, just slightly.

"You taking the truck, then?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I'll pay him whatever, if he'd get it fixed for you."

"Alright, I'll let him know," I was already moving to leave.

"Okay, well, later kid." Charlie gave a sort of half-wave, and lumbered into the house, probably anxious to watch a game or something.

The truck started just fine, but as soon as I shifted it into third, it started making a horrible knocking noise from somewhere deep under the hood. Cringing slightly, I gently drove it down the winding highway, to La Push. Billy appeared in the doorway when I cut the engine, looking a little worried. Instead of making him come out, I walked up the textured wheelchair ramp.

"Sorry, Bella. Jake's out for the day." I nodded, my lips pursed.

"Well, I guess I'll be here awhile, then," I slowly turned around, shoving my hands in my pockets. From the reflection in my truck, I saw Billy shake his head. I slipped back through the door and kicked my feet up on the dashboard. I could wait as long as it took.

Unlike the first time I had once done this, it took _hours_ for Jake to come around. Night had fallen, bringing a freezing rain with it. More than once, Billy had come outside, to try and either shoo me off, or get me to come in. I refused to budge. I was waiting right here. My fingertips were completely numb, and I couldn't feel my face, or parts of my feet through my boots. I didn't care. We _had_ to talk.

Finally, sometime around midnight, Jake appeared. His broad, muscular form was a shadow in the darkness, almost blending into the gloomy night. I sprang from my truck, my muscles screaming from being inactive for so long. Jake turned to me, his face unreadable, and huffed,

"Go away, Bella." He didn't go inside the house, but instead headed off to his garage. I stood in the freezing rain for a few moments, shivering. _No_, I thought hotly. _No, I will not._ I followed him with a jerky kind of jog. Predictably, my foot caught on something, and I tumbled into a muddy puddle. Freezing water soaked me to my skin. Gasping, I got up, incredibly angry with myself. Now I'd look like a drowned rat, great.

Sopping, I rounded the corner to the garage. Jake had closed it up behind him. Undeterred, I heaved at the sharp, aluminum door, grunting as the jagged metal screeched along the jury-rigged track. Jacob turned around, glaring daggers at me. I stepped inside, doing all I could to keep from shivering.

"We need to talk," I took a deep breath, trying to keep my muscle spasms under control. The air was frosty. It felt like it might start snowing.

"No, we don't," Jake slammed a drawer shut on a chest of tools. He turned his back on me, moving to his work bench. I felt some of my resolve waver for half of a moment. He was so bitter. _Well,_ I thought angrily,_ he can be as upset as he wants. But this isn't just about him. _Biting my lip, and wrapping my arms around myself to try and keep warm, I took a deep breath.

"Why are you doing this?" I started, clenching my teeth to keep them from chattering.

"I told you, I need some space," he snarled.

"Oh, and I've just got to live with that, huh?" I asked, finally able to bring some of my anger to the surface.

"Damn right, you do," Jake turned, his face hard.

"No," I shot back, "no, Jacob Ephrim Black, I do not!" He stood still for a minute, frowning at me. _Don't stop now_, I pushed myself, _you've got his attention, just spit it out!_ "I don't know if anyone's told you this," I said, more bravely then I felt, "but the world does not revolve around you. It's been almost seven weeks, and you haven't made any effort to talk to me. This is stupid, Jake. You asked me to marry you. I think that means that I have a right to get some answers!" He squeezed his eyes shut, balling his fists.

"We shouldn't be together anymore, Bella," he spat, looking furious. His words rolled over me like a typhoon. I stood there, unable to help shivering, but whether from what he had just said, or because it was freezing, and I was soaked, I didn't know.

"What?" I gasped, shaking my head. My wet hair stuck to my throat, causing a fresh wave of chills to race up my spine.

"You heard me," his husky voice was silky, dangerous. "I can't do this anymore. We're through." A tidal wave of pain washed over me. I felt a strange, numb dizziness cross my body. _No!_ I shouted to myself. _No, fight! You have to fight!_

"No," I said softly, squaring my jaw. He frowned, his lips curling to reveal his perfect teeth.

"It's not just up to you, sweetheart," he said acidly. "Now, get home. You're soaked."

"No!" I gathered up my resolve, beating down the pain that was threatening to incapacitate me. I opened my lips to speak, but he cut across me.

"We're not compatible, Bella. I need someone . . . less breakable," he sneered, his eyes fierce. "This is just sick, we can't do this anymore."

"Coward," I shot, and I wasn't sure why I said it, either. He was running away, taking the easy path out, just because things weren't ideal. The word fit.

"What?" he roared. With fast, furious steps he was suddenly just a foot away, looking mutinous. "Get the hell out of here, now!" I noticed the restraint he seemed to be fighting against; I squared myself, unfolding my arms. A blast of iciness cut across me. My breath rose in a mist, as I steadied myself. He was dangerous right now, and I was pushing it, but I had to. I had to prove I could do this, not just for him, but for me, too.

"You are not breaking up with me, Jacob," I told him in a low voice. "I have been through absolute hell. You owe me an explanation, you owe me reasons. I'm not afraid of you." I kept the chatter out of my teeth, I spoke clearly, and boldly to him. Though his face was contorted with rage, I could see a hint of surprise. I wouldn't just be dropped like a broken toy. This had to be fixed. He balled up his fist; I held perfectly still as he threw it into a metal chest. Bile raced up my throat when I heard a sickening crunch. It sounded like one of his fingers. "What is it, Jake?" I asked, a little more carefully now. "Why are you so afraid, all of the sudden? Is there someone else?"

"No," he snarled in a low voice, his chest heaving. "There will never be anyone else. Ever."

"So, what?" I demanded, still careful to keep from yelling. This was a very, very stupid position to put myself into. But, I knew I'd never, ever forgive myself if I didn't find the courage to stay, to fight for him.

"Ugh, damn it, Bella!" he roared, taking a few steps back. I watched his skin quiver, and his hands clench; he was breathing, a high kind of whimper escaping his throat, as his body threatened to shift. Grinding his teeth, he shook it away, flashing his eyes open once more. "I'm not right . . . Bella. I have these dreams . . .these nightmares. They're sick, they're completely sick- the things I want to do to you," his eyes raked over me, a desperate, intense sort of longing. "Shifting helps, but something's broken. I can't just be your sweet Jake anymore. Something has changed, and I've got this sick, sick urge t-to _possess_ you." He took deep, trembling breathes, his muscles still tensed. I kept my body still, willing away the shivers and the fear. "You need to stay the hell away from me, Bells. _You need to_, before something really, really bad happens."

I felt a cache of fear in my chest. I could see it in his eyes, something wild, and dangerous, something barely held back. I clenched my hands together a few times, trying to warm them, as much as trying to find my courage again. Jacob gave me a long, sad look, his face rigid with pain,with a desperate kind of longing. Now I could see the problem. He was under control, with everyone but me. We couldn't be together, unless we found a way to beat this. I stood, considering it carefully. I couldn't see any other option. I took a deep breath, smoothing my face. _Courage_, my voice whispered in my mind_, you have to have courage. _

"They're just dreams, Jake," I said, bracingly. I dared to take a few steps forward. "I have messed up dreams, all the time. They don't mean anything." His fists came down against a tool box, denting the top.

"They aren't just dreams!" he roared, "these, these _feelings_ are still there when I wake up. And seeing you . . . I can barely keep myself together! It's taking everything, _everything_ to not . . . damn it, Bella. Please, please go away!" I clenched my teeth again.

"No. I'm not afraid of you, Jake. You are staying in control, you do love me. You won't hurt me." With every ounce of strength I possessed, I approached him, my icy fingers brushing his face. He was absolutely still, not even daring to breathe. "I trust you, Jacob," I murmured. His eyes were begging me to leave. I made myself remember _my _Jacob, my sweet, warm, russet colored wolf. He was in there, somewhere. I knew he was. A swirl of anxiety rushed through me, but I mastered it, and carefully stood on my tiptoes, very, very gently kissing his burning lips.

In half of a second, I felt myself swept from my feet, and pushed hard against the work bench across the garage. Jacob's mouth was a hard, rough frenzy on my lips. I felt his hands tearing through my hair, across my body; there was a delicate ripping noise, and my coat, along with most of my shirt was gone. I steeled myself to it. His fingertips almost felt like they were trying to score my skin off, and a ragged, snarling kind of gasp was coming from his mouth. His feverish lips where _everywhere_, edged in a painful way by his sharp teeth. I felt my skin ache, and my mouth sting, and my body tremble, but in a strange sort of way, I almost welcomed it. After so long without even a simple kiss from Jake, the rough, desperate affection felt good. I was ready for what was coming.

At first, it was painful. Jacob was ravenous, just verging on savagery. I was lying flat on the frozen ground, with him above me; his fingers dug painfully into my back, his hand twisted into my hair. He was borderline violent with the actual love making. I could barely breathe with how hard his mouth pressed against mine, how furiously his lips found each aching inch of my bare skin. But, as we continued, I could see his face relaxing. His voice went from snarling, to gasping, his lips became gentle, though still passionate, against mine, and his motions slowed, and deepened. I looked into his eyes; they were clearing, he was regaining control. I felt his hands cup my cheeks, and a few hot tears splattered on my face. My instinct told me his gentle sobs were from relief. It was painted all over his face. This had been torturing him. I smoothed my fingers through his hair. I was going to be sore for awhile, but it was worth it, completely worth it, to see _my _Jacob, once more.

Jake wasn't easily satisfied. I thought we had coupled at least three times before he'd finally collapsed, gasping, his face tucked into the crevice between my shoulder and my neck. I was very, very relieved his tension had run its course. My body was trembling and aching; I pushed it aside. The pain wasn't the worst thing I had ever felt. I had done it. I had been strong enough to get Jacob back. True, I had never expected that _this_ was the reason he had wanted to leave me, but I'd still been brave enough to go through with it. The bruises and soreness would heal. I wouldn't loose him.

Jake propped himself up on his elbow, and he was carefully studying me. His fingers smoothed over my swollen lips, traced the small bruises on my arms and legs. I watched as he bit his lip, looking furious with himself.

"Don't," I said immediately. "Don't even start." I felt sore, and cold, and admittedly, a little cranky.

"You should have just walked away," he muttered. "Damn it, you should have just left, Bells."

"No," I retorted. "That's not the way couples fix things, Jacob."

"_This_ wasn't some stupid fight we were having, Bella. This was a wolf issue, some animal instinct that I wasn't handling right. Look at what I've done to you!"

"Please, don't start," I snapped, heat rushing to my cheeks. "You obviously needed some help, Jacob. What would have happened if we hadn't done anything?" He frowned, obviously taken aback by my retort.

"I would have had to . . . find someone else to . . .yeah." I glared at him, my temper rising.

"You were going to-to do _this_ with someone else?" I demanded. I was on my feet, grabbing what was left of my clothes.

"No," he protested, standing as well. "But jeez, look at yourself Bell! You're . . . bruised, and there's swelling, and marks. I couldn't stand the thought of doing this to you!" I buttoned around the tears in my shirt, glowering.

"You didn't even talk to me!" I burst suddenly. "You wouldn't even look at me, Jacob! You didn't give me a _choice_ in any of this! I had to chase you down, and force it out of you. Did it ever cross your mind that maybe we could have worked this out, that maybe it wouldn't have had to come down to what we just did, if you would've just let me know what was going on?" I furiously snatched my coat back up. My clothes were still wet, and I was immediately freezing again. My hair seemed to have ice in it, from getting soaked and then spending hours in an uninsulated, unheated garage.

"I wasn't in control!" Jake growled, "It took everything I had not to come bursting into your room in the middle of the night! I was trying to protect you, Bella!"

"Then stop it," I said in a low voice. "Stop trying to protect me, Jacob. Stop making decisions about my future for me. That's what Edward did. I thought you were different." Jake looked at me, a mix of horror and sorrow on his face.

"Of course I'm not like that freak," he moaned, "but damn it. What would you have done, Bells? If you thought you could accidentally kill me because some crazy mating instinct was driving you nuts, what would you have done?" I felt my face soften. Of course, if I thought Jake's life were on the line, I would have done the exact same thing he had done. I would have gotten away from him, and stayed away.

"What caused this, anyway?" I asked, wrapping my arms around myself. I was bitterly cold now. Jake threw on his clothes with a casual kind of grace.

"Come inside with me," he said, holding his hand out. "You're probably already hypothermic." He rolled his eyes. "We really should have been in my room, or something."

"Yeah, Billy would have loved waking up to that," I muttered. I allowed him to walk me into his house. I carefully sat on the couch. Jake noticed, and bit his lip, shaking his head in disgust.

"Take off your coat," he advised. I did, and was immediately chilled. He disappeared around the corner for a moment, then came back, with a fresh t-shirt. I unblushingly slipped off my torn button-up, pulling his shirt over my head. It smelled exactly like him; the scent made me feel safe, and warm. He sat down next to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders, and gently pulled me to his chest. I shuddered, my teeth chattering. He grabbed a blanket and threw it over both of us, rubbing my arm gently through it.

"So, Sam said this had something to do with distance," he started in a low voice. "I thought it was the poison still. During the worst of it, I had these really messed up nightmares, and even after I'd successfully shifted, they were still cropping up. I chose you, Bella. And, that sort of thing means a lot more to a wolf then to a regular guy. In my mind, we're mates, for life. Being away from you for so long just made the feelings kinda take over. Sam told me it happened to all of us, but I wasn't sure I believed him. It was so, so similar to what the wolfsbane was doing. It was just another uncontrolled urge." He paused for a second, looking me over. "I was willing set myself on fire before I got with someone else," he told me plainly. "It wasn't about lust, it was about needing to claim _you_. And the longer we spent apart, the worst it got. It was Paul who told me to go sleep with someone else, if I was worried about hurting you. Like I could ever do that," he sneered. "I had them convinced I could though, and I tried to make you believe it, too. But, you're kinda smart, when you want to be." I rolled my eyes at his last.

"So, if we spend a lot of time apart . . .this is what will happen?"

"No, not every time," he admitted. "It normally takes much, much longer. But the wolfsbane really screwed me up. Shifting has been hard, my temper's been out of whack, and I guess my mating instincts where trying to get us both killed." He sighed bitterly. "What I wouldn't give to be a normal guy, right about now." I looked at him carefully, seeing if he was serious. "Have you noticed," he said, not returning my glance, "how utterly screwed up everything's been since we've gotten together?" I frowned, not liking where this was going.

"It hasn't been that bad," I tried to argue.

"I get poisoned with some crazy werewolf juice, we loose our baby, I can't shift, and then I go absolutely insane and _that_ happened." He waved his hand in the direction of the garage. "Sometimes," he said softly, "I think I made the worst mistake in coming back for you Bells. We're always going through hell. You were happy, before I barged in."

"Don't say that," I pushed up, glaring at him. "Jake, I'm sick of this too. I don't want things to be crazy, or unsure, either. But I'm not giving up. I'm not leaving you."

"Yeah," he groaned, sitting back, "I figured you'd say that."

"Stop trying to break up with me," I pleaded, stroking his cheek. "Stop trying to protect me. I've made my choice, and I'm sticking with it, no matter what." He glanced sideways at me, his lips twitching.

"It would be so much healthier for you to find a regular guy," he muttered, his eyes sad. "I wish I could be that guy."

"You are that guy," I said quietly. Jacob shook his head, chuckling softly.

"I use to think that the bloodsucker was so weak," he admitted, "I thought that he'd end up killing you, on accident. I couldn't understand why he wouldn't just give you up, if he was afraid of hurting you. I think I can see why, now." He turned a serious gaze to me, "I can't give you up either. And I'm not any safer than he was - I could just as easily kill you, Bella."

"You won't," I assured him. "You can't. Look at what just happened; you could have been much, much worse, but you held back. You love me, Jake. And I know that you'll always be able to hold back." He sighed,

"Probably."

"You will," I insisted. I had faith. I had seen it, not even a few hours ago; I had seen him push down his violence, had seen him wrestle back that demon that wanted to devour me. He had fought it off, for me. He wouldn't fail. He gently brushed his fingers through my hair. I was so thankful, just to be there, against his hot chest, listening to his slow, steady heartbeat. I would pay a much, much heavier price to have this. Jake was quite for awhile.

"I'm really, really sorry that I hurt you, Bells." He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, still seeming utterly disgusted with himself.

"I'm sorry too," I replied softly. "I'm sorry I didn't come for you sooner." His eyes shot to my face.

"Are you crazy, Bells?" he asked. "Seriously?"

"Yes," I said surely. "That's the last time I'll ever stay away per your request, Jacob. Who knows how much easier this would have been if I'd just shown up." I grimaced slightly. He looked like he was going to argue, but seemed to change his mind.

"No, you might be right," he said with a bitter sigh. "It's almost dawn. Want me to take you home? I'll take a look at your truck tomorrow." I shook my head slowly,

"No, I'm not going anywhere," I said simply.

"I don't know if we'll both fit on my bed," Jacob cautioned.

"I bet we could if we tried," I replied. I pulled myself up and pressed my lips against his. His hands encompassed my face. It was gentle, and passionate, the very type of kiss I had missed so badly from him.

"Yeah, alright," he shook his head ruefully. "Let's try to sleep on my crappy single mattress together. But," he raised a finger, as though adding an addendum, "I think it would be a much better idea if we just moved soon, so we wouldn't keep having this problem." I smiled a little. I thought he was right. He took my hand and carefully led me to his room.


	16. Council Meeting

There was nothing better than waking up next to Bella. Her skin was warm, letting off her mouthwatering scent so it filled my room. She was incredibly close to me, (my bed is _really_ small), and I fell asleep breathing it in. I loved feeling of her flushed body fitting in perfectly to mine, listening to the gentle, slow rhythm of her heart. We'd fallen asleep holding hands, and when I woke up to the gray afternoon light filtering in through the downy clouds, I noted we still were.

I detected my scent mingling across her body, and the wolf part of me grinned. The man in me, however, frowned. Small, dark bruises peppered her creamy skin, making me cringe. I hadn't lied last night; it would have been much easier if Bella were . . . tougher, somehow. Or maybe if we were both more experienced. I could have seriously hurt her. As it was, it took a herculean effort to keep myself in check. The freaking mating instinct . . . _man_, I had been ballistic.

Every time she'd stop by my house, just to see if I was home, her scent would madden me, for days. I had been a complete jerk to Billy about it, too. In one of my little hormonal tantrums, I had screamed myself hoarse, demanding she be barred from the res, from the beach; and that he stay the hell out of their house. Quil and Embry had shown up, with Sam close behind them, and pulled me outside.

"You need to get this under control," Sam growled, while dragging me off to his place. "You're going to end up hurting someone, Jake."

"How can I get this under control?" I shouted, my fingers curled into my hair. "It's driving me _nuts_, Sam, absolutely freaking nuts!"

"I don't know," he admitted, his tone still harsh. "But damn it, Jake. It's not like you imprinted. Your instincts _shouldn't_ be this bad!" I let out a bitter, humorless laugh.

"No, god-for-freaking-bid, I'm not one of you!" Sam narrowed his eyes, looking like he wanted to sock me. "If I see her, I'm going to end up . . .damn it, Sam!"

"I'm not sure you have much of a choice, Jake," he said bitterly. "I know you don't want to do this to her, but it's got to get out of your system."

"I can't do this to her-"

"Then find someone else!" Sam roared, his fists balled together.

"Are you insane?" I spat, stopping in the middle of the muddy road.

"_Choose_ someone else!" he thundered. Because I wasn't one of the almighty imprinted. That was his answer. If I couldn't stand doing this to Bella, then I needed to pick a different mate. The thought made me sick to my gut. How could I just walk away from the only woman I desired? I shook my head,

"You're freaking sick, Sam. It's not like I just need to get laid. It's _her_. Her scent, her skin, her lips- some other chick won't do it. Bella's the one causing this." Sam heaved a few deep breaths, and turned to me.

"Look, I know how hard this is." They all knew how hard this was. The pack mind knew everything. I had felt them cringing, whenever we ran together. I felt them bowing under the burden of my desires. I knew that they understood _just_ how bad this was. "And honestly, Jake, I haven't seen this before. With the imprints, sure- but all I can keep saying is, it shouldn't be this bad."

"So," I snarled, "it's the wolfsbane again, huh?"

"Maybe," he shrugged, "I _don't know_, Jacob. How am I suppose to advise you, here? Your instincts are tearing you apart, so my only solution is to follow them. Go be with her."

"No," I sighed. He frowned at me, and shook his head.

"You're a fool, Jacob Black."

"Yeah," I gritted my teeth, "yeah I am."

He knew, just as much as I knew, that this really wasn't about sex. I had this crazy, insatiable urge to pass my genes on, so to speak. And, as Sam had pointed out, that wasn't something that happened, unless you imprinted. The running theory was that imprinting was a guarantee of passing desirable traits on to the best possible mate. Just like with real wolf packs, we mated for life, and would only entrust our lineage to a single person. The logical part of me knew this was stupid, because Bells had started taking the pill, right after we'd lost our baby. I had encouraged her to do it, too. I didn't want either of us to go through such a horrible experience again, and we needed time to settle. Everything needed to settle. So, if I knew that, then why wouldn't the urge go away?

I dreamed about her every single time I closed my eyes. I dreamed about her warmth, her soft, doe-like eyes fixed on mine, her body, rhythmic and ductile and accepting- and I woke up half-crazed, wanting to utterly consume her. I wanted others to be able to smell my scent on her, I wanted any other man,(or wolf), who crossed her path to know that she was taken. That she was _mine_. The ring wasn't enough, and getting married wouldn't have fixed it. This was carnal, animalistic; and it literally controlled my every move.

Quil and Embry were supportive about it. The few times I'd gotten completely overwhelmed, they'd headed me off, buffering me from her house. Bella didn't know it, but it was thanks to them that I didn't go bursting into her room in the middle of the night.

But she'd gotten stubborn. I guess I'd be lying if I said I wasn't expecting it. I could smell her scent for miles off, made all the more potent by the wet earth and tumultuous rain. Well before I approached my house, I had forced myself to stop. Embry was right next to me, the whole time, hand on my shoulder, encouraging me to breathe. It took a few hours, but I finally acclimated to that heady, delicious scent of her skin, and had been able to approach. And he'd been near by, right up until I threw her against the work bench. It had been sheer force of will, that made me walk to my garage. Every primal instinct in my body was demanding that I approach her in the truck. Maybe I should have. Maybe that would have been more comfortable.

I sighed, my eyes returning to her sleeping form. No matter how I looked at it, what I had done was completely wrong. Never mind the fact that I felt like I could breathe now, or the fact that all those crazy, stupid urges had finally dissipated. I had been vicious, forceful, and venereal. It was inexcusable.

It had become harshly clear to me that I didn't just love Bella, I was completely obsessed with her. Imprinting would have been better. The need to make her happy would have guided my actions, instead of these stupid werewolf instincts. It was impossible to mimic, or force; the imprinted could pick up on pheromones that were undetectable to even a wolf's nose- they were utterly malleable to their mate's subconscious wishes.

Not for the first time in the last few months, I considered giving up my gift. It was our right, as protectors, to ritualistically decline any further involvement with the pack. Eventually, our magic was sapped from us, and we became normal, everyday people. Sam had all but begged me to hold off on it, as had the rest of my brothers, but it was tempting. Very tempting. I could be everything Bella needed and deserved, bereft from this curse of phasing. I would never need to bow down to my primal, wolfish urges again. I'd be free and clear to live a normal life. It would seriously piss the council off, but at the end of the day, it was _my decision_, and not up to anyone else. Course, it wasn't like snapping your fingers and, _zap_- it's over. The wolf was addicting, powerful, and overbearing. It was more like trying to wean yourself off of heroine or something; it took months of careful willpower.

But would Bella still want me? Was it the wolf that she loved? Or was it the man? Could she deal with me being normal again? Six foot, thin as a broomstick, dead clumsy and with the maturity of your average 10th grader? Had her feelings for me started because I was a werewolf, or had there always been something there? The questions bit at me, because I didn't have any answers. I supposed I'd have to ask, see what she thought. My eyes fell to the ring; we were in this together now. And if last night had proven anything, it was that we _had_ to be honest with each other. Completely, brutally honest.

Shaking the thoughts away, I carefully stood, barely jostling my rickety bed frame. I was so use to going without rest that a nice 6 hour stretch was like oversleeping. I didn't want Bella to wake up until she was ready. I changed into some almost clean clothes and silently left my room, closing the door behind me.

"Morning pop," I said brightly as I entered the kitchen. Billy looked up from his bowl of cereal, startled.

"Morning son," he said slowly. "So, uh, Bella's truck is still here."

"Yep," I popped the 'p.' "I'm gonna take a look at it here in a few."

"You two . . . uh, _talked_ last night, then?" I inhaled deeply. _Awkward._

"Yeah, um, we _talked, _alright," I muttered.

"I see," Billy's face was smooth. "Well, son, I don't want to pry-"

"Then, maybe you shouldn't," I interjected, my hand frozen in front of the milk.

"But, I'm not sure Charlie would appreciate her spending the night here." I closed the fridge door, avoiding my father's eyes.

"You're probably right," I said carefully. I snagged a bowl from the cupboard and poured some cereal in it.

"So, maybe you two should be a little more respectful, of his wishes, I mean."

"Yeah," I said, "yeah, we probably should. Sorry, dad."

"It's not me whose upset by it, son," he mumbled.

"Right," I nodded. "I didn't mean to . . .for . . .uh," I gave a nervous sort of chuckle.

"No need to explain," Billy held up his hand. "I _do_ understand son. I just don't think Charlie will. He can be old-fashioned, you know." I nodded, devouring my cereal.

Bella's truck was in pretty rough shape. I started carefully taking it apart, noting that the spark plugs probably needed to be changed, that it could use fresh oil, and a new timing belt. I twirled a wrench smoothly through my fingers, carefully dissembling pieces of the engine block to find the other issue she had been talking about.

"Hey," Embry's voice was next to me. I turned, sparing him a quick glance.

"Hey man," I said.

"So . . . last night-"

"Yeah," I said.

"Did you hurt her?" I raised my eyebrow, looking over at him.

"Not . . . too bad," I muttered.

"I'm sorry, man," he said, shaking his head.

"It's cool, bro." I frowned for a second. "Thanks for, uh, you know, helping me out."

"Anytime," he replied. "Want some help with this?" he gestured to the truck.

"Sure," I nodded. He bent and picked up a wrench, leaning under the hood with me.

"What's it like?" he asked suddenly, moving a few hoses so I could get to a set of bolts. I grabbed a ratchet from my toolbox, fitting it with the right head.

"What's what like?"

"Having someone, being in love, all that shit." I frowned slightly.

"I dunno man," I gently loosened the bolt, slipping it in my pocket. "I guess it's sort of like breathing. It's easy, and necessary, in a way."

"Hmm," he bit his lip.

"Why, you . . . find someone?"

"Nope," he muttered, "I'm like the only one, bro."

"Naw, Paul's single," I reminded him.

"Yeah, cause he's _Paul_," Embry shook his head. "I mean, damn, what if I don't find anyone?"

"I dunno bro," I glanced around the engine, searching for the problem. "I think you will, if your patient."

"No one around here interests me," he muttered. "_No one_. And we've got some pretty girls, too."

"It's not always about looks, man," I shrugged.

"Like you would know," Embry muttered, "you've always been in love with Bella. She could look like anything, and you'd still want her." I straightened, turning to him.

"Well, yeah man," I said slowly. "That's kinda how it works, right?" My forearms rested against the edge of the truck, hands hanging limply at the wrists. Embry pushed off from the frame, turning around to lean against it.

"I'm freaking sick of being a virgin," he admitted. I looked at him in surprise.

"Seriously man? Is that what's bugging you?"

"Yeah," he ran his hand through his short hair. "I mean, I don't wanna just go out and get some, you know? I wanna meet someone- and I swear, there's absolutely _no one _around here for me." I shook my head.

"This because of what happened last night?" I pushed.

"It's nuts," Embry huffed, kicking at a bit of dirt. "Watching you go ballistic, watching her in your thoughts. Dude, you haven't imprinted, but it's almost worse. Seeing all those minute details about her, _feeling_ what you feel for her, and kind of vicariously experiencing everything . . . it is nuts. It's enough to make anyone a little edgy for their turn."

"No one else seems to care," I pointed out.

"Yeah, they do, you just don't notice. Paul's been chasing girls down left and right since this whole thing started up with you. It's like you gave us a disease, or something." I grimaced, a hollow pit ringing in my stomach.

"Well, I really didn't mean to," I said quietly. "That's just messed up. I'm sorry, to all of you." Embry gave me an off-handed kind of shrug.

"It ain't your fault, bro. It's just kinda hard to deal with, that's all." I nodded, heaving a sigh.

"Well, I'm still sorry man. Don't stress it, you'll find someone. There's a lot of fish in the sea." He chortled,

"We ain't living in the sea, Black. We're in a freaking aquarium." That was true.

With Embry's help we disassembled the truck and quickly found the problem. I was just getting it all back together when Bella came outside, her hands in her pockets, walking slowly towards us.

"Morning," I immediately stopped what I was doing, drinking in her face. Embry snorted, shaking his head, and nudged me out of the way so he could finish. She laughed a little, her smile causing my core to burn.

"I think 'evening,' would be more appropriate," she said. I grinned back, wondering if I looked half as stupefied as I felt. She totally did that to me.

"Yeah, well, I wanted you to get some sleep," I said.

"Hey, Embry," Bella waved. Embry threw his hand out from under the hood, not really waving, but acknowledging. "So, I just got off the phone with my dad," Bella continued, chewing on her bottom lip. "It's . . . not good, really." _Ah_.

"Want me to try and talk to him?" I asked.

"No, no way," Bella shook her head. "He's just looking for a reason to chew you out." I shrugged.

"I'm the one who messed up, Bells. You should let me deal with the consequences," I tapped her shoulder with the handle of my wrench. She raised the right corner of her mouth.

"Yeah, big tough werewolf and all," she sighed, shaking her head. "I think maybe some distance would be better."

"I don't get it," Embry said suddenly, pulling his head out from under the hood. "You're 18, right?"

"It's not about that," Bella grimaced, "my dad's upset because we're not married, or anything."

"Huh," Embry looked puzzled, "wouldn't have taken Charlie as that sort of guy."

"He only gets that way when he's unhappy," she sighed. "I definitely wasn't raised thinking I had to be married before . . .yeah." Her face turned a brilliant scarlet, the heat from her skin filled my nose with her delectable sent. I inhaled deeply, passing it off as a slow sigh.

"Well, we could always move, you know," I said slowly. Embry rolled his eyes, quickly turning back to the truck. "I mean, we technically need to be married before we accept the tribe's gift, but the house is still officially ours." Bella smirked,

"I thought we were going to take this kinda slow," she took a few steps towards me. "It's kind of unseemly, for me to jump from one engagement, to marrying a completely different man." I grasped her hips and pulled her towards me, the gentle blush creeping along her skin filling me with a warm kind of longing.

"Yeah, well, no one is making these rules Bells," I told her, "you're just filling them in as you go."

"Society sort of makes these rules," she protested, "and I'm trying to follow the norm, here."

"Screw the norm," I gave her a long, soft kiss. My insides groaned as her heart accelerated. "Do you think people who feel like we do wait for anything?" I gazed down into her warm brown eyes. She managed a shaky kind of grin.

"Well, no," she admitted, "but maybe they should, anyway." I sighed, rolling my eyes.

"Right, well, the truck's done," Embry announced, looking half amused, half sickened by our affection.

"Wow, you guys fixed it already?" Bella smiled, gently letting go of me to take a look. I nodded,

"Yep." She patted the bumper fondly. It made me grin, her attachment to this mean, hulking piece of metal.

"I'll, uh, just start it up," Embry was backing away from Bella very slowly, working to the other side of the truck. I gave him an amused glare; I wasn't going to rip his arms off if he got too close, jeez. He shrugged, pushing the keys into the ignition.

"Oh, you might want to get it up to third," Bella was shouting over the roar of the engine, though it was entirely unnecessary. I kind of loved how quickly she forgot that we weren't human, though. "That's when it started making that weird noise!" Embry shrugged again, giving her a short nod. He slammed the door shut and slowly took off, testing our handy work. I could clearly hear it at the other end of the res. The knocking noise had stopped completely. Her truck was as good as new, figuratively speaking. Embry brought it back, hopping out and slamming the door shut.

"Yep, it's good," he said. He dropped Bella's keys into her palm, careful not to touch her. "I'll see you guys around." He waved and began walking away.

"Thanks, Embry!" Bella called after him. I smirked, slouched down, and affixed myself to her lips. Now that the bitter craze was out of my system, it was amazing to have those small moments with her, without the wolf inside me trying to tear through. She pulled back after a few minutes, looking sheepish.

"I gotta tell you, Jake, my mouth's still pretty sore from last night." I sighed,

"Yeah, I guess it would be."

"So, are you serious? About moving in, and everything?" she asked. I nodded,

"Of course I am. Being away from you drives me crazy, Bells." Her lips hinted at a smile.

"We've certainly had our fair share of distance lately," she agreed. "But- I'm not entirely sure I'm ready to haul off and get married."

"So, let's forget about La Push. I can get a job, probably at Downings or something, and we'll find an apartment together."

"I bet there aren't many of those around here."

"No, but there are a few. Or, maybe we can convince the tribe to rent us the house. No strings, right?"

"I'm not afraid of the commitment," Bella chided, "I'm afraid of something happening later. I mean, you're just 17 now. What if you need more _experience _at some point? What if-"

"Stop, Bells." I made an effort to sound gentle. How could she possibly understand? In her mind, imprinting was the only sure-fire way with wolves. She had _no idea_ how long I had been in love with her, and no idea how positive I was that I could never be with someone else. Beautiful girls had looked my way more than a couple of times, (especially after my first phase), but they were all found wanting. No one else could ever be her, it was simple to me. And, maybe my holding onto her was the absolute worst thing I could do. Our lives had been absolute hell since our first night together. But, I'm a selfish man, in the end. Come hell, or high water, I wasn't letting her go. Ever. "We can take all the time you need," I said carefully, "but- I finally got you, Bella. Damn, do you understand what that means to me?" She frowned slightly, looking like she was about to speak. "No, seriously?" I pressed. "It wasn't about the bloodsucker, it's never been about anything but being so, _so_ sure that you're meant for me. Honey, I never would have moved on. You know that, right? From the day you left Forks, when you were 12, until the day you came back, I've never, ever wanted anyone else. You can ask anyone here. It's always been you, Bella. It will _always_ be you. I would have waited until I breathed my last breath, for you." I heard her heart beating against her chest. I didn't tear my gaze away; she had to know how absolutely serious I was.

"You-you've loved me since I was 12?" she gaped.

"Yes," I assured her. "And I spent every year since then praying you'd come back, as impossible as it seemed. I'd never even kissed another girl, Bells."

"I didn't know that," she whispered. My heartbeat was fluttering unsteadily with hers now. It was hard to admit this much to her, to give her an idea of my complete and total devotion. I was half afraid it would scare her away. But, she stood there steadily, chewing her cheek.

"I had no idea I meant so much to you," she murmured at last. There was just a hint of sadness to her voice.

"You're my air, Bella," I told her gently. "I can't live without you. It's simple." She nodded, as though she understood.

"I'm sorry," she breathed, "I'm sorry I ever made you wait so long, Jacob." I flashed her a wolfish grin.

"No problem, just marry me; we'll call it even." She smiled tentatively,

"I can do that." Her words made my heart ache with happiness.

"Damn, there you are, Black!" I turned around, wrapping my arm around Bella's shoulders. Quil was marching up, looking serious. I frowned,

"What's up?"

"Nothing major," he eyed Bella. I made no move to walk away. Whatever had him so geared up, he'd need to spit it out in front of her. "There's a council meeting tonight, we're suppose to be there. It's about the Blackfoot tribe; we're discussing what to do." Now I understood his anxiety. Everyone had just been waiting for me to get a grip before we discussed it.

"I'll be there," I assured him.

"Cool," his eyes darted back to Bella. I nodded; _tribe only, got it._

"You know," Bella said slowly, as Quil walked away. "I might want to get home, to try and calm Charlie down a bit." I sighed,

"Now? Seriously?" She gave me an amused smirk.

"Well, now that I have a proper vehicle again, I can always come back, you know."

"Please do, or I'll be chasing you down." She granted me a smile,

"I believe you." I gave her a long kiss. Our hearts were both sputtering when I was done.

"As soon as the council's done, I'll be there," I promised her.

"Then, I'll live," she grinned. She swung open her truck door and climbed. in. That was my Bella; no giggles, no finger-waves, no blown kisses- just quiet and reserved; on the outside at least. Damn, I loved that woman.

It was completely stupid, but as she drove away, I felt a little pang of remorse. No matter how long we had around each other, it was hard to watch her leave.

The council meeting was held outside that night. We all sat around the fire pit in the middle of the village, completely silent. As soon as Paul had sank to the ground, Old Quil began speaking.

"We nearly lost one of our own, a few months ago. And, we nearly lost him again, and again. We should all thank the god that Jacob Black is still among us, today." There were murmurs; I nodded a few times, my eyes watching the flames in front of me. "One of our most reviled enemies helped us save him. And for that, we should be grateful as well." The Chieftain paused, listening for disagreement; there wasn't any. "Now we, as a tribe, face one of the most difficult decisions we have had to make in a century. It is no secret that the tribes are small, in this country. Many flee from the reservations, and their birthrights; alcoholism is rampant, taking more and more of us to the grave each year. They are so few of us, in fact, that most do not even realize we still exist. And, we may need to ask ourselves if the actions taken by the Blackfoot tribe are worth going to war for, bearing all else in mind."

"War?" I gasped. "That's what this is about, war?"

"Understand, Jacob, that the Blackfoot's tried to take your life. And then your sanity, and finally, your will. Would you have us do nothing?" I looked at our Chieftain.

"Well, no. But you can't be serious. For one thing, the pale faces will start to notice, if we're fighting each other like that. I mean, don't we generally try to work out a treaty, or something, first?"

"We will," Sam interrupted. "But, we're not expecting it to go well. If my conversation with their alpha proved anything, it's that they are unrelenting, and angry."

"I-I can't believe we're even talking about this," I murmured. "I mean, _war_, we're talking about war here, people." I gazed back at all the eyes fixed on me. None of them seemed to agree. "We'll loose pack members, some of us will _die_." How could they think this was even an option?

"We have little choice, Jacob," Old Quil said in a grave voice. "Your father is right; if they are using this wicked herb on others, then we cannot just sit by and do nothing. We have the largest number of spirit warriors. We are protectors; we must protect the others."

"They're pack was bigger than ours," Seth said suddenly. "They outnumbered us like crazy, remember?" I nodded; it was true, even if it didn't make any sense.

"There is something wrong with that," Leah spoke from the shadows. "We've been told the leeches on the hill make us snap; the Blackfoot tribe has no permanent residence near them. How could they outnumber us?" Now, there was a flurry of low-toned conversation. Old Quil raised his hands; slowly, everyone fell silent.

"We do not know," he said, "but we will try to find out. Sam will take four of you with him to go and talk to the Blackfoot Tribe. A treaty is our best option, but should they refuse, we must all prepare ourselves, for what the future holds." I felt my stomach crawling. This wasn't going to end well, it couldn't.

"Jacob, Embry, Quil, and Jared; you will be coming with me. The rest of you will stay behind, and guard the tribe." Sam got to his feet slowly, holding Emily's hand all the while. "This will be difficult, for all of us. Let's just hope the Blackfoot Chieftain is more willing to see reason than his alpha." There was murmured agreement.

"When are we leaving?" I asked, flicking a pebble into the fire.

"Tomorrow night," Sam looked down at me. I almost wanted to ask if he'd order Paul with him, instead of me, but I couldn't. Bella would be okay for a few days; I had to trust that. It was just horrible timing; we'd just been able to see each other again.

"So, there is agreement," Old Quil nodded. "We will seek a treaty first, and should that fail, we will prepare ourselves to fight the Blackfoot's. I'm sorry that it has to come to this, my family." I heaved a sigh. This had pretty much ruined my day. "Send your prayers with our warriors," the Chieftain mumbled. "They will need them." Yeah, we would.

It was one of the shortest council meetings I had ever attended. I was off and running, into the woods, before anyone could stop me. I was going to spend as much time as possible with Bella.

It was a quick run; I was pleased that I had phased smoothly this time. I stopped outside of Bella's window, shifted and mostly dressed. Charlie was still awake downstairs. I sighed. Her bedroom light was on, though. I chucked a few pebbles up. She answered immediately.

"Hey," she leaned against her window frame, her hands relaxed. "That was quick."

"Short meeting. Can I come up?"

"Definitely, but you're going to have to hide later, Charlie's still pretty mad."

"No problem," I smiled. Bella backed away from her window. I agilely raced up the black ash tree and sprung from the branch that almost touched the frame. I landed with a soft _thump_ on the floor. It had only been a few hours, but I felt like it might have been weeks since I'd last seen her.

"So," she said slowly, "how did it go?" I slid my tongue across my canines, trying to figure out how to best put it to her.

"We're going to the Blackfoot tribe, in Montana, tomorrow night. We're going to try and reach a treaty with them, over the use of wolfsbane." She nodded slowly, seeming stoic. "And, if that doesn't work, we're probably going to end up in some sort of . . . conflict, over this whole thing." I watched her breathe slowly through her nose. Her heart beat had accelerated.

"So . . .like a fight?" she said, struggling to keep her face impassive.

"Yeah," I nodded, my eyes cast down to the floor.

"That's . . .awful," she slumped down on her bed, her fingers twisting with anxiety.

"I know," I sat next to her, slipping my arm around her back. "The alpha of that pack was kinda crazy though; the chieftain might be a little more reasonable."

"But, wouldn't the pack have needed permission to hunt the Cullens' in the first place?" she asked, mirroring my thoughts. That was what I was most afraid of; that the alpha wasn't the crazy one, that he was just following orders.

"Maybe," I said slowly, trying to sound reassuring. "There's loose canons all over the place, though. It could be that the alpha was going against orders." She nodded, but didn't seem convinced. "I don't really want to think about it, right now," I admitted, wrapping my hand in hers. "I just want to memorize every last moment of this, until I have to leave." A ghost of a smile appeared on her lips.

"I do too," she said blithely. I leaned forward and kissed her.


	17. Imprinted

We had assembled outside of Emily's house. Sam was taking his time saying goodbye to her. I squirmed slightly, impatient to be going. Quil, Embry, and Jared stood beside me, also looking anxious to be on our way. None of us knew what to expect this time. I caught Embry's eye, and he gave me a sort of grimace. No doubt, his thoughts were echoing mine; would we be coming home?

"Well walk out to the boundaries before we shift," Sam declared. I rolled my eyes. While our pack was a badly kept secret at best, within the confines of La Push, it was nearly midnight; except for a few families, namely _our _families, everyone was asleep. No one protested, though. Wordlessly, we followed Sam out into the forest, jogging at an even pace. "Alright," Sam said after about fifteen minutes. I broke into a run, clutching at the fiery core in my center, and burst out of my skin, landing maladroitly on all fours. Around me, the pack followed, with Sam cutting me off to take the lead. I fell into the beta position, with Jared taking his place as a Hunter, and Quil loping behind me in gamma. Embry followed on the other side; our missing numbers were painfully obvious.

_Suppose it's good, we're traveling light_, I said after a moment, mirroring the others thoughts. _Less of us dying is always a good thing._

_No one is going to die!_ Sam growled, but I could feel the smallest tinge of uncertainty. We were waltzing right into the hands of the men who tried to kill me. There was no surety of this outcome.

We ran at a blistering pace through the early morning hours, leaving behind hundreds of miles in our wakes. I was enthralled with the cool, clean wind blowing past my fur, the crisp scent of dewy grass and warming earth. We were nearly out of Idaho by the time the sun broke over the horizon. It was lucky, too; we needed dense forest around us, or we'd surely be spotted by some early rising farmer.

_Stay tight_, Sam murmured. We were starting to see green and brown outlines ahead; more mountains. _If we're lucky, we can make it into the Flathead National Forest before it gets too bright out. _

_If we're lucky_, Quil muttered.

_Cool it, Quil_, Sam retorted.

_I'm hungry, _Quil snapped.

_We'll hunt soon_, Sam replied. There wasn't much enthusiasm to that thought. Eating warm meat swimming in hot, coppery blood was incredibly unappealing. But, I was pretty hungry myself. Dinner was hours and hours ago - we'd been running full bore, and most of my energy was gone.

_How much further do we have to go?_ I asked dubiously. It seemed unrealistic that we'd be there by nightfall, even at our pace. Eventually, we'd have to stop and rest. We could keep going like this for maybe eight hours, but by the end of it, we'd all be pretty exhausted.

_We'll stop and rest by afternoon,_ Sam replied. Our thoughts all seemed to echo each other; we couldn't approach our enemy exhausted, for any reason.

We made it to Flathead late afternoon. We were all so worn that hunting took some serious effort. After a few frustrated attempts, we finally manage to take down a large buck. I was too hungry to care about how it tasted. I tore into the fleshy carcass with ravenous abandon, devouring hunks of meat almost whole. No one complained about the meal, not even Quil, who hated eating raw more than any of us. The buck filled me with a sleepy, warm contentment.

_Can we just rest here? _I asked Sam. I felt way too full and exhausted to go anywhere else.

_Yes, _he replied. _We'll head out around nightfall, again_. We spread out slightly, finding the warmest patch of sun to lay in. I curled myself up, resting my head on my big paws, and immediately fell into a light, dreamless sleep.

It's very difficult to rest, while in wolf form. The smallest sounds, changes in light, and precipitation flow into your subconscious. When I woke up from my doze, I was unsurprised to see the sun had set, that it was raining or that the forest was teeming with the sounds of nocturnal wildlife. All these minute changes were acknowledge as I rested. I stretched, a great yawn escaping my jaws, and shook. Minute droplets were flung from my coat. The air smelled ripe with damp earth, mold and wet leaves.

_Get woken up, guys_, Sam's muscles shivered as he launched water off of his soaking coat.

_Damn, I want some coffee_, Jared muttered, his thoughts reflecting his exhausted, wolf face.

_A wolf slurping up coffee!_ Quil chuckled, _Imagine what someone would say if they saw that guys!_

_They'd probably wonder how the hell a wolf got a hold of coffee,_ Embry mused, a slight smile on his features.

_Especially if it was like a latte, or something_, I laughed, imaging Jared lapping at one of those silly, milky coffees from a shop. In my head I could see him lifting his snout, a dapple of foam right on the end of his long nose. Everyone but Jared and Sam laughed.

_Okay guys,_ Sam said reprovingly, though there was a hint of a smile in his voice.

_You guys are idiots,_ Jared huffed, stretching.

_Whatever, it's funny_, Embry chuckled.

_Yeah, if you're like ten_, Jared muttered, shaking his coat off.

_Move out,_ Sam cut into the discussion, taking point. I easily caught up with him, and the rest fell into place around me.

It took less than an hour from where we were to reach the Blackfoot Tribe. Sam stopped us a few miles from their reservation, his ears flattened, eyes wary. We were all carefully sniffing the air, and listening for the slightest noise. Wolves could never have gotten so close to La Push without us knowing. We were sure that the other pack was around here somewhere, waiting.

_Let's phase, show them we're not a threat_, Sam advised. No one was exactly thrilled with this idea, but we did it anyway. There was some silent movement as we all threw on shorts or jeans. Our feet where bare- each step was muted against the wet forest floor.

"Let's take it slow," Sam advised to us, motioning that we should follow his deliberate jog. I moved in silence next to him for a few moments, then I said, in a very low voice,

"Sam, I don't think the other pack is here."

"I know," he muttered back, shaking his head. "They may be out, doing something, I guess."

"All of them?" I murmured. They had to know that we'd be coming, eventually. How could they leave their entire tribe so defenseless?

"Just stay alert, okay?" Sam heaved a sigh. We both knew that something was wrong about this situation.

It was another thing to add to the long list of mysteries surrounding the Blackfoot Tribe. Their huge pack size, their intolerance for vampires, (even ones under other tribe's protection, like the Cullens' were in ours), the secrets they had gleaned about wolfsbane, and the ease in which they used it against one of their own kind. And now, they seemed to have left their tribe completely defenseless, to vampires or other wolves; it was like they were begging to get attacked. A sort of restless anxiety erupted in my chest as we jogged on; this smelled like a trap. I was sure the others were thinking the same thing.

The Blackfoot reservation was horrific. Everywhere I looked, I saw dilapidated houses and trailers, patched with large pieces of cardboard, broken windows, and awnings hanging off. It was very dirty. The lots were scattered with broken childrens' toys, coils of rusty barbwire, and a large number of empty hairspray bottles. Quite a few yards had collections of rusty, broken-down beater cars and bikes. My heart throbbed. We all knew that some of the reservations were no better than slum camps, the people living on them were too poor, or drugged up, or drunk to really care about their surroundings. This was one of the worst I had seen in a very long time. When I was a kid, my parents and I use to travel around the country, attending different pow-wows, or sing-sings. I remembered the bright, elaborate customs and head dresses, the pounding of drums, and the swaying of bodies and stomping feet to the throaty lyrics of tribal songs. But I also remember the poverty. Children with dirty, full diapers running around barefoot in the hot dirt, drunkards slumped over on the sidewalks, barely breathing, the smell of rotting garbage and waste permeating the air. My father had pulled me aside, on one such visit to the Lakota reservation.

"Alcohol is the pale-face's poison son," he told me gravely. "It weakens our minds and makes us forget about everything. You see those people over there?" He pointed to a leaning fence between two paisley colored, boarded up houses. Against it where about five or six Indians, all plastered, wearing holey, unwashed shirts and jeans, with bulging backpacks. They were homeless. "They've forgotten our ways, they've forgotten about the warriors within them, and disregarded the teaching of their elders. They will probably die out here, son. You must always remember that fire water is dangerous, terrible stuff. Never forget this." I was all of ten, at that time. I nodded. I never did forget.

Quil and Embry looked around at the reservation, grimly stepping over empty booze bottles on the ground. Jared and Sam wore expressions of complete devastation on their faces. None of us like to see this sort of thing, ever.

"Where do you think the president lives?" I asked quietly. The president was an elected official; it was like a tribal leader, only a democratic form of voting decide who the chieftain was, instead of lineage. We had never used that particular system, but we were one of the few tribes left that didn't. A president on a tribe generally held office for two years. Apparently, whoever was in charge of this place, didn't seem too concerned about the reservation's upkeep. But they were the ones to talk to, about the pack.

"I don't know," Sam murmured, stopping in the middle of a potholed, dirt road. "Everyone looks like they're asleep." I nodded slowly, looking around at the darkened windows.

"They might not have electricity," Quil said softly. "This place is pretty torn up. I don't see a lot of lines." I considered the area; he was right. There were very few power lines running through the reservation, and fewer still seemed to be connected to any of the houses.

"What do we do?" I turned to Sam. He looked down, shaking his head.

"Wait until dawn, I suppose," he muttered.

"Should we go back to the forest?" Embry asked.

"I think that would be best," Sam replied.

"Hey! Damn you kids, stop!" A wizened voice called out to us. Sam turned slowly, raising his hand to block the bright beam of a flashlight.

"Sorry?" Sam asked.

"Sneaking out to go do drugs, are ya?" the old man hobbled over to us, leaning heavily on a worn wooden cane.

"Sir, you're mistaken," Sam started again. The grandpa got nearer to us, and stopped, his toothless jowls quivering.

"Who the hell are you? You're trespassing, damn it! I'm going to call the cops!" Not the real cops, of course, but whatever law enforcement the Blackfoot tribe used. Since reservations where technically free nations, separate from the US, cops weren't allowed on the territory unless there was serious trouble, something that could effect the next county, for instance.

"We're from the Quileute tribe, we've come to speak with your president about your pack," Sam sounded authoritative. The old man peered ardently at us, as though trying to detect a lie.

"Alright then," he huffed. "Well, there's no one awake now. You better come with me."

"That won't be necessary," Sam held up his hands, "we've got a place to stay. We'll come back in the morning."

"Don't be a damn fool," the old man billowed. "Ya'll are gonna freeze out here. It's cold tonight." We shot each other quizzical looks. Didn't he know anything about wolves? There was nip to the air, an undertone of frost, and autumn. The old man was bundled in a ragged jacket and scarf, with a great woolly cap on his head. Of course, none of us could feel cold, but he stared, aporetic, seeing us all with bare feet and no shirts.

"We will return in the morning," Sam replied, leading the way back into the woods. The old man eyeballed us as we left, then turned and clumped back to where ever he had come from, muttering.

I waited until we were safely away from the chain-link fence of the Blackfoot reservation, before I started in.

"I guess the pack is a better kept secret here than in La Push," I murmured.

"It seems so," Sam shook his head. "We'll sleep in the boundaries, I think. I haven't seen hide or hair of the other pack since we've arrived. We should be safe."

"Man, those poor people," Embry said softly. "Did you see the state of that place? And all those empty hair spray bottles? They must have a lot of alcoholics."

"Yeah," I muttered, "alcoholics too poor to afford real booze."

"Freakin' sucks," Quil shook his head. "Why doesn't their president do something?" Sam shrugged,

"Not everyone sees it as a problem," he murmured.

"That's bull," I flung my hand back at the reservation, "they obviously have some serious problems, Sam."

"I'm not disagreeing, but we've got no right to say anything," there was a steely edge to his voice. "I'm forbidding any of you to mention their living conditions."

"Yeah," I snarled, "we wouldn't want to accidentally make life better for them."

"It isn't our place," Sam repeated, "who are we to judge?"

"That's the problem with all of us," I felt heat rising in my core, "we all tiptoe around these issues. Half of our people are drugged up, sleeping on the streets, or in gangs or pushing drugs for the Mexicans, and we don't do a damn thing!"

"What should we do?" Sam roared back, "Walk in and make demands? Push our people around? Tell them that their living in filth and they need help?"

"Yes!" I growled, clenching my fists. "And hell, maybe we just _ask_ them if they want help! Why doesn't anyone just _ask!_" Sam shook his head sadly.

"Maybe we should," his voice was calm. "But right now, we've got to focus on what brought us up here. All of you, try to remember why we came, okay?" The others nodded silently. I slowly forced my anger away, pushing the trembling, prickling sensation out of my skin. Sam was right; we had come up here for a very specific reason. But, I didn't feel any better, seeing what this tribe was forced to live in.

Morning was slow to come. We waited in the outskirts of the village, phased, and pacing. No one could really sleep anymore. Sam had us run some short distance perimeters, checking for the other pack. I was growing more anxious as I realized that they were no where around us.

_You think they're out terrorizing some other pack?_ I asked.

_I hope not, _Sam grunted.

_This is weird_, Quil muttered, his eyes narrowed. _How come they're not here protecting their tribe?_

_I don't know_, Sam replied impatiently. We had been having the same conversation for the last few hours, talking in circles. Sam was agitated; not by us, really, but by the absence of the Blackfoot wolves. When the sun finally crept over the trees, I felt a surge of relief. At least now, we could get some answers.

_Pull back in, guys_, Sam faced the direction of the Browning. We formed up, and ran a few miles to the northwest before stopping and phasing back. We were noticeably tense as we crossed the bedraggled barbwire fence and stepped within the reservation once again.

A few people were up, milling about. I noticed there were very large numbers of families pushed into one bedroom trailers. You could see members spilling out of the doors, some with small bowls of cereal in their hands, others with cups of coffee, smoking cigarettes. We glanced about anxiously; the tribe members where all staring at us, looking ominous.

"Nice welcome," I muttered under my breath.

"Keep going, guys," Sam said softly, looking hesitantly at the scowling Blackfeet.

A tall, barrel chested man with a long black braid emerged from a dilapidated trailer.

"What business do you have here?" he asked, sweeping towards us with a quick gait. Sam stopped,

"We're here to see the tribal leader, or the president, about certain business."

"I'm the leader," the man said swiftly. He stopped a few feet from us, crossing his arms. "What business do you have here?" Sam looked around at the crowds of staring people, and shook his head.

"In private, please," he replied. The leader looked haughtily at us, but finally jerk his head towards the creaky screen door on his trailer. He ambled ahead of us, showing inside with ill-disguised contempt.

"Outside, all of you," he barked to the 12 or 14 people crammed into his living room. Slowly, the room emptied. I felt a small swell of pity; even the leader was sharing his rough housing with the rest of his family.

"The children could go to a different room," Sam glanced at the gaggle of toddlers being swept up by their mothers. The three women looked at their leader, hesitating. He gave them a swift nod, and they disappeared to a room tucked on the other side of the kitchen.

"Who are you?" the rotund man demanded, crossing his arms once more.

"Sam Uley," Sam held out his hand. The leader did not take it. "Quil Ateara, Jared Cameron, Embry Call, and Jacob Black," he held out his hand to each of us in turn. We managed to nod, trying to look nonplussed by his hostility.

"Matunaagd Yellow-Tail Kipp," he said sullenly.

"We've come to talk to you about your wolf pack," Sam said in a low voice. Matunaagd raised his eyebrows.

"You're the Quileute's," he muttered.

"Yes," Sam said softly.

"I'm sorry to say, we haven't seen or heard from them in at least four months," the leader shook his head. "I wouldn't even know which way they went."

"That's okay," Sam replied quickly, "we were hoping you might be able to help us with a few questions we have." The man drew in a deep breath, his nostrils flaring.

"Sit," he waved at his collection of worn couches. I took a seat at the very end, my hands hanging loosely in front of me. Matunaagd sank into a moth eaten arm chair, looking around at us. There was a heavy silence.

"So," Sam prompted, "how are there so many in your pack?"

"I'm not exactly sure," Matunaagd said slowly, "we suspect that they've been kidnapping from other packs, actually."

"How is that even possible?" I demanded. "We answer to one alpha only, you can't just go and pull someone from their pack. They wouldn't be able to connect to anyone but _their_ alpha."

"They found a way," the chief said slowly. "We only had two spirit warriors in our entire clan. One was Mingan, who is now alpha over the pack, and the other is my daughter, Nuttah. She is now our only wolf. She refused to go with Mingan when he left. I am glad, too. I couldn't stand to think of what would happen if she'd gone with him." Matunaagd paused for a moment, " We've only heard rumors of what they've been doing. You are not the first pack to approach us, nor will you be the last. We have no way of keeping Mingan under control, and no way to stop him. I'm sorry."

"Where did he learn about the wolfsbane?" Sam asked.

"Maybe in the south," Matunaagd said slowly. "We've heard about it through others. Did you loose a wolf?"

"Nearly," I spat. The chief sighed.

"I am sorry," he murmured. He looked remorseful.

"Is your daughter, Nuttah still connected to the pack?" Sam asked urgently.

"I'm not sure," Matunaagd replied. "She has not shifted in a very long while. After seeing what Mingan was doing, she has begun the process of giving up her gift."

"We need her help," I said abruptly. Sam glared at me, but I ignored him.

"Nuttah!" Matunaagd called towards the back of the trailer. "Come here!"

One of the women from earlier emerged into the kitchen. She had long, shiny black hair that hung loosely around her face, heart-shaped lips, and creamy russet skin. Her fingers where narrow and supple, rather like the rest of her, and her feet where bare, showing gracefully from beneath her skirt.

"Ni'nah? Tsa aanista'piiwa?" she murmured. She kept her eyes cast down.

"When was the last time you phased? Are you still able to?"

"Yes," her voice was soft.

"This man is asking for your help," Matunaagd waved his hand at me. Nuttah glanced at me, then stopped. She stared. Her soft brown eyes were filled with a strange sort of emotion that I couldn't read. I watched her strawberry lips part, as though she were astounded by something.

"Taikisspa?Nitsipahtsa'pssi! Iipahtsa'pii! Miistapoot!" She turned abruptly on her heel and fled out the door, looking upset. I frowned, and looked slowly at Matunaagd.

"What did she say?" He shook his head,

"That there's been a mistake," he murmured slowly. "And for you to go away."

"Uh . . ." Sam looked puzzled. "Did we do something wrong?"

"I don't know," Matunaagd heaved himself to his feet, and headed outside, calling his daughter's name. We followed hesitantly, not sure what else to do.

From a distance, I saw Nuttah running into the trees. She jumped over a fallen log and swiftly disappeared out of sight into the surrounding thicket.

"Should we just let her go-" Quil started, but Sam cut him off with a frustrated snarl.

"No, damn it," he muttered. Before we could say or do anything, Sam shifted, and went bolting after her. I heaved a sigh, brushing my hair back.

"I always have that effect on women," Embry said stoutly. We all looked at him, smirking.

"Think Sam needs back up?" Jared asked, trying to peer into the woods.

"My daughter doesn't want to speak to any of you," Matunaagd appeared behind us. "You've upset her, greatly."

"We didn't do anything," I shot back, clenching my teeth.

"Apparently, you did," he crossed his arms over his wide middle. His family, milling around in the front yard, were looking from us to the forest silently. I shook my head.

It took Sam the better part of an hour to return. We slumped up against the outside of the trailer, trying to ignore the dubious glances and mutters from the surrounding tribe. When he finally did emerge from the forest, he was alone. I jumped to my feet.

"Where is she?" I demanded, crossing the muddy, liter strewn ground. He held up his hand, stopping me in my tracks.

"We have a sort of . . . problem," he said quietly.

"What?" I demanded, "she has to help us. We're screwed if she doesn't-"

"She imprinted on you," he cut me off. I stood there, stunned, letting his words absorb into my mind.

"She . . . what?" I asked numbly, my heart thudding in my chest.

"You heard me," he replied coolly.

"No," I muttered. "No, she couldn't. Bella-"

"Is not your imprint," Sam finished.

"But, but I looked right at Nuttah, and nothing happened."

"I know," Sam nodded. "It's normally not a two way connection, Jake. It just becomes one as time goes on."

I almost couldn't comprehend what he was saying. Bella was my everything; I couldn't live without her. But, could she compete with a woman who was going to be genetically, physically, and mentally everything I had ever wanted? I didn't want to think about it.


	18. Silence

The tribal leader called a council meeting that night. It was the first one the Blackfoot tribe had conducted in years. The president had other things to attend too, and wasn't there. I sat stiffly on the dirt floor, keeping my eyes locked on the small fire they had started. The pack sat tightly on either side of me, also keeping their eyes locked on the flames. The tribe milled around informally, talking in soft voices, comparing notes on what was to be discussed.

It hadn't taken long for word of Nuttah's imprinting to spread across the entire reservation. More than a few men were pissed; apparently Nuttah was one very eligible woman in the tribe. She was beautiful, obviously, and didn't have children, which was rare. She also had some land holdings that were to be passed down by her father, and a college education. I bit my lip, still refusing to look up. I hadn't asked for any of this. But, the way some of these guys were acting, you'd think I had done it on purpose. My pack was practically sitting on my lap, sending a clear message that if anyone was going to screw with me, they'd have to deal with them, too. Not that I was particularly worried about any of mutinous looking tribesmen. On my worst day, I could still take down all of them blindfolded. The idiots. It was just another way the Blackfoot tribe was showing their complete ignorance about wolves.

After everyone had assembled, sitting on the hard packed dirt lot crawling with weeds and garbage, Matunaagd called for silence.

"The Quileute's want to know where our spirit warriors are. If any of you have any information, now is the time to speak," he told the crowd. For a few moments, no one moved. My eyes finally lifted from the small pit fire to look around. The faces that met my gaze were scowling, and angry. I chewed on my cheek, glaring back openly at them.

"Why should we tell them anything?" A man asked, his arms crossed roughly. "How do we know they won't lead those _freaks_ right back to us? It took us almost 20 years to get rid of them!"

"They are seeking revenge," the chief held up his hands. "Their intentions aren't to lead the pack back to us, but to hunt them. I believe these men are trustworthy. Now, who has knows anything?"

"And why should we trust _you_," a large woman sneered from the back. "You haven't done anything we've asked you; what about our homes? Winter is coming, and most of us don't have heat!" There was an angry surge of voices at this.

"Okiainnayi, maopiit!" The chieftain called, his arms raised.

"No!" Another woman shouted, her hand raised in a fist. "We want answers, damn it! The president says it's your responsibility to get a list of our complaints, but you never do!"

"Like hell I don't!" Matunaagd roared. The voices raised in an angry chorus around him.

I looked around at my pack. Sam was staring at the mutinous Blackfoot tribe sadly. Embry, Quil, and Jared were sitting there watching with their mouths agape, looking appalled. I sighed. It was obvious now that we weren't going to get answers from any of these people. There was too much wrong with their reservation for them to care beyond their own problems. I stood up, peering at the run-down trash-heaped homes, illuminated by the waning moon. It was completely understandable. I didn't blame them.

The pack took my cue, and stood up around me. It was time to go. The Blackfoot tribe was too busy screaming at each other to notice that we were leaving.

"What do we do now?" I asked, when we got away from the bedlam. Sam shook his head slowly,

"I don't know."

"I do," a soft, female voice said from behind us. I had hoped she was just going back home, not following us. I turned around slowly with the others, facing Nuttah. "I had contact with them about two months ago, or at least, with Mingan. They have a home of sorts, in the south."

"Do you know where it is?" Sam asked.

"Yes," she murmured. "I wasn't completely honest with my father. I've been shifting frequently."

"Mingan's still your alpha?" I guessed, refusing to look her in the eye.

"I don't know, he's been gone too long for me to have steady communication. When the pack is in the area, I still hear them."

"Why did you tell your father you were giving up your gift?" Jared asked.

"Because he asked me to give it up. I couldn't though, I wasn't strong enough." I raised my eyebrows briefly. That wasn't really surprising. It was an addictive feeling.

"Will you join us?" Sam asked, hunching slightly to meet her eyes. She nodded,

"I can't stand it here anymore."

"What about your family?" Embry asked, "don't you want to tell them?"

"They'll know I went with you," she said. She looked slightly ashamed of herself. I guess I couldn't really blame her. I would feel bad about wanting to get the hell out of this place too, because of those who'd be left behind in the mess.

"Alright," Sam nodded. Wordlessly, we filed out behind him, disappearing into the shadowy trees.

If I ever thought it was awkward shifting with Leah around, it was nothing compared to shifting with Nuttah. Even though I averted my eyes, I could see her curvy, womanly body all too clearly in Jared and Embry's mind. I also felt a little angry when I realized I thought she was just as beautiful as they did. I shook my head a few times, exhaling sharply through my snout.

_Show some decency, jerks!_ I snarled at them.

_I can't even apologize, _Jared sounded breathless. _I'd watch that again in a heartbeat. _

_She didn't ask you to watch her,_ Sam retorted.

_She also didn't bother hiding from us_, Embry replied.

_I can hear you guys_, Nuttah murmured. There was a collective shudder of shame from us. _Don't sweat it, you were bound to see me at some point. Let's move._ She fell into place behind Jared. I admired how controlled she seemed. It was just business, in her mind. Sam took us deep into the woods, racing us along to the west.

_The pack is in Louisiana, _Nuttah informed him.

_We need as much cover as possible, if we're going to run there. I want to get up in the Rockies, and follow them to the south. We can use the desert to keep from being detected once we hit New Mexico._ There was a collective agreement. Silence fell among us as we raced through the trees.

Three days later, and there was a hollow, aching pit in my stomach. We had sent Embry back home, to send word of where we were going. He was suppose to lead the rest the pack south to meet us. I had begged Sam to let me go, to let me see Bella, but he had refused, saying my place was at his side during these times. I knew he was right. I still hated him for it, though. When we had reached a snowy peak in the Rocky Mountain National Forest, in Colorado, we allowed ourselves to shift back to human. I was grateful.

I couldn't stop noticing Nuttah. She hadn't approached me, or singled me out, or spoken to me alone, but I couldn't help but feel her presence. I liked the way her mind worked, I liked how strong and determined she was, how resourceful and cunning she felt. Nuttah was a warrior, but unlike Leah, she was graceful, and still very womanly in her ways. As much as there was a sharp, brutal edge to her, there was also gentleness, a sort of softness that I couldn't help but see. It pissed me off to no end.

The ache of wanting to see Bella again was breaking my heart into tiny little pieces. If I could just look into her eyes, hear her voice, feel her skin, I wouldn't want to think about Nuttah at all. It almost felt like Sam was conspiring against me.

We made a camp of sorts. Jared started a fire, causing Quil to start calling him a Boy Scout. Sam went off alone in the woods to hunt. One thing we had all agreed on tonight, we wanted a hot meal. We were going to cook whatever he killed. I sat up against a pine tree, relishing the icy air on my hot skin. The small clearing was bathed in white, equalizing the dirt and the rocks and the weeds. Nuttah was sitting across the clearing, her face reflecting exactly what I was thinking. This place had a savage beauty, a wonder to it. Snow started flaking down lazily from the sky, swirling gently to the ground. Nuttah looked up at it, her long black hair falling smoothly over her shoulder. Her eyes caught mine; I quickly looked away.

I refused to look at her as she walked silently towards me.

"I love the snow," she sighed, sitting down beside me. I stiffened at her nearness. She was silent for a few moments. "You don't have to do this, Jake."

"Call me Black," I told her flatly, crossing my arms over my chest. I didn't look at her, but I could tell she had rolled her eyes.

"I hear your thoughts all day," she reminded me. "You can't hide what your feeling."

"I'm not _feeling_ anything," I retorted.

"You're lying," she said simply. I gritted my teeth. Bella never made me feel this vulnerable or exposed; she couldn't get into my head. I hated how Nuttah stripped me of my privacy.

"What's it to you if I am," I whirled around and glared at her. It was a mistake. Her green eyes were too close, intoxicating and deep. I pulled myself back slightly, mastering the impulse to reach out and touch her cheek. Nuttah gently clasped my hand. I could barely bring myself to wretch it away, but I managed.

"Look," she sighed. "I get it. You don't want anything to do with me romantically. Bella is your girlfriend, and you want to stay loyal to her."

"So back off," I told her bluntly.

"I didn't ask for this," Nuttah got to her feet in a swift, graceful motion. "I get that you didn't either," she answered before I could say anything. "But, I can't stop feeling what I feel for you. You wouldn't understand. You've never loved someone who doesn't love you." I looked up at her, confused. How did she not know the whole thing about Bella and I? I gave myself a little mental shake; of course, it could take weeks for her to learn all the little gory details of my life. I was gratified that she wasn't trying to pry into my head, yet. She turned on her heel and made her way to where Jared was, sitting at the fire. Her body language didn't suggest that she had just been rejected, or that she was pissed off or upset. The imprinting kept her from feeling those things. Just having me near was enough for her.

My inside squirmed even worse, and guilt mixed with the rest of my confusion. I _did_ know exactly how Nuttah felt. How long had I loved Bella, had I fought and agonized and adored her before she ever returned it?

_I won though_, I thought to myself heavily. _I have Bella now._

Was this how she had felt when Edward was alive? This strange, twisting agony? I felt bad suddenly, at putting Bella through all that. And I felt even worse, knowing Nuttah was going through the same thing. The only difference was, she would never win. No matter what I might _think _I was feeling towards Nuttah, I could never let go of Bella. I had fought too long, and too hard, to let go of her now. But, I was sympathetic to what the chieftain's daughter was feeling. How could I not be, after all Bella had done to me?

I got to my feet, my breath rising in a large, puffy cloud overhead. I carefully made my way to where Nuttah was sitting and sank down beside her.

"Just, be my friend," I told her quietly. Jared politely pretended he couldn't hear us. My insides twisted. How many times had Bella told me she would always be my friend? Unbidden, the day _he_ came back with her came into my mind. Watching from the trees, Edward had carried an exhausted Bella inside of her house, two days after she had abandoned me to go save him. I wanted to go to her, so badly. But, standing in the trees, listening to their murmured conversation, I knew that I had already lost. It had been a turning point for me. I decided to redouble my efforts to fight for her, to make her realize she was making a mistake.

I shifted uncomfortably next to Nuttah, resting my forearms on my knees. Yeah, I knew exactly what I was doing to this poor girl, but it was ten times worse. She had imprinted; it would never be something she could get away from. I had just fallen in love.

"I can be your friend," her answer came after such a long silence that I had almost forgotten what I had said. I nodded slightly, my eyes staring at the small fire Jared had started. Quil was still doing his perimeter run. "But," her voice was very low. I could tell Jared was listening as he poked at the hot ash. "I'll never stop having feelings for you." I swallowed hard, feeling another sharp twist in my insides. I knew she was serious, as serious as I had been when I said it to Bella. And she could never feel any different.

I clenched my jaw, squaring myself against the strange, burning on my insides.

"Yeah," I said quietly, "yeah, I know."

Sam came back with a freshly killed deer just as night fell. None of us had anything like a knife, why would we need it? It was slightly sickening, but we gutted and skinned the animal with our bare hands, then tore off huge hunks of meat to cook on a spit over the fire. It took much longer to cook then I would have guessed, given all the survival shows I'd seen. We were all very quiet. Being in each others heads all the time, it made sense. We didn't need to speak. It was nice just to enjoy the silence.

The meat finally finished, the juices that dripped into the now roaring campfire were clear. I shoved a huge piece in my mouth. It wasn't half bad, but some salt would have been nice.

"So," Sam broke the long silence, "how are they doing it? How are they adding so many to their pack."

"They're kidnapping them," Nuttah said plainly, her fingers poised to tear another piece of meat off of her stick. "Some, like gamma's, don't need any _persuasion _to join the pack. But, alpha's or beta's, anyone with real power in another pack, need to be broken before they'll join."

"Torture?" Quil asked hoarsely.

"I don't know," Nuttah sighed, "I never actually watched. It might be something like that, though."

"I don't get how they can just kidnap someone," Jared muttered, shaking his head. "I mean, we're _wolves_, don't they put up a fight?"

"20 against one," Nuttah replied steadily. "They don't have a chance."

"You mean the other pack members actually _help_ with this? They just take people from their friends and families?" Quil demanded.

"It's an alpha's order," Sam said quietly. "They don't have a choice." Nuttah nodded silently. I ripped another hunk of meat off of my stick, thinking.

"How should we go about this?" I glanced at Nuttah, trying very hard not to notice how beautiful her skin shimmered in the firelight.

"Carefully," she pushed another piece of meat between her teeth. "They'll be expecting us. And, they won't hesitate to use wolfsbane." I felt my a knot rise in my throat. I tore my eyes from Nuttah's shapely lips, looking over at Sam. He had noticed me watching her, and glared at me silently.

"Maybe we should stay split up into two groups," he said quietly. "Jake, you could take lead of the other group when Embry gets back."

"Man, we're really going to be stretched thin," Quil sighed.

"Yeah," I echoed, shaking my head.

I hardly slept that night. I kept waking up from nightmares. Nuttah was leading me through the forest, smiling. I ran after her, but whether I was following her or chasing her, I wasn't sure. Her smile was enchanting; I stumbled after her into a clearing. She laughed, pointing to the ground. There was Bella, her face chalky and white, her lips were blue. Nuttah continued to laugh overhead.

I woke up for the forth time, cussing.

"You okay?" Jared asked, rolling over.

"Yeah," I sighed, wiping my sweaty forehead. "Stupid dreams, man." Jared nodded, and laid on his back, closing his eyes again.

I clenched my fists, forcing myself to breathe. Eventually, I managed to drift back off to sleep.

Morning came, sunny and freezing in the little clearing. We chewed on some cooling meat that we'd left roasting through the night, not talking much. Nuttah kept shooting me figurative glances; I ignored her.

"Let's head out," Sam said. We shifted; Nuttah, thankfully, went somewhere else to strip down. I followed Sam through the snowy ravine, staying close behind him. Our thoughts, today, were also quiet. Maybe it was the weather, or the nonstop travel, but there was a definite weariness to all of us. I kept my head blank, not wanting anyone to see my dream, or hear all the worries and conflicting feelings I was having. If Nuttah caught even a trace of it, she didn't say anything.

We traveled on for another four days. Our pace was brutally fast, and our thoughts strained in exhaustion as we moved. The landscape quickly changed, from rugged, snowy mountains to blistering hot deserts and scorched, dead gullies. The heat was killing us all.

_Water,_ Quil thought desperately. I unstuck my tongue from the top of my mouth, my throat aching.

_Shut it, Quil_, I snarled. _We're all freaking thirsty, man. _

_Damn, how long can we last like this?_ Jared demanded.

_I don't know_, Sam admitted. _I don't know what the tribes in desert areas do._

_Die_, I replied, my sarcasm falling flat. We fell silent again.

_There's a town up ahead_, Sam reported, a low whine coming from his throat. I felt a slight elation. We all needed water, badly.

_Let's get in close and shift outside those buildings, _Nuttah suggested. We beat through the hot sand, dodging cactus and yucca as we ran. Thick, foamy white sweat was collecting on Sam's coal fur. I knew I wasn't looking any better.

We huddled together in the shade of a short house. Hunched, we shifted back, throwing clothes on hastily. Nuttah covered herself as best as she could, but Jared gawked at her sweat-beaded skin with noted interest. I gritted my teeth.

The town was much bigger than we thought from a distance. Sam lead us to an empty looking house. Along the side was a spigot. We knelt in the shade of a planked wooden fence and drank. My stomach stretched and ached with relief. Quil stuck his entire head under the stream of water, letting it beat off the salty remains of his sweat.

"I don't know how much longer we can do this," I admitted to Sam. "We weren't meant to take these kinds of conditions."

"We have one more day," he looked at us each in turn. "We'll wait until nightfall, and try to make it to the swamps. Hang in there, okay?"

"Sure," Quil muttered, bringing his head up from under the faucet. I took my turn, soaking myself underneath the icy water. My body shuddered from the sudden temperature change. We all wet ourselves down, and drank as much as we could stand.

The sun beat on brutally. All those memories Bella had shared with me about her love of the desert, the different hues and plants rising out of the cracked dirt, massive multicolored stones towering across the flat expanse - I once thought I could see why she had loved it so much. Now, I wondered how she could stand this.

Once we were somewhat rested and hydrated, we set out once again. My head was clearer than it had been in awhile. The soft, desert browns and muted greens reminded me of her eyes. The stifling sun heated up the plants around us, and I smelled slight traces of her in the air. It felt like Bella was all around me now. Every inch of her skin had been raised under this tormenting, Arizona sun. I could see its influence in her eyes, her face, her hair - she would always carry that nearly undetectable trace of this place. It was just now, I could really appreciate it. Nuttah could feel it in me too. She wasn't angry, or jealous; instead, she looked into what I found so interesting about the landscape, and began helping me note the similarities. It was really weird. But, I knew it was just her imprinting, guiding her to do things that would make me happy. I let out a wolfish sort of groan; it was nothing if not awkward.

The landscape changed rapidly over the next two days. It went from blistering desert to watery, thick bogs and tangy, vine-wrapped trees.

The bayous were sweltering and moist. A thousand different fungus' and plants and rich earth scents invaded my powerful nose, confusing it. I snorted a few times, sneezing.

_Where exactly are they?_ Sam asked Nuttah quietly.

_They keep their pack much further south than here, almost at the shoreline, _she informed him. Sam looked skeptically at the thick, swampy landscape. He was thinking exactly what we all were; how good were wolves at swimming in mud?

_Stick to the logs and brush,_ Nuttah recommended. _It's easy to get sucked down into these bogs._

_You've been here before_, Jared said. It wasn't a question.

_Yes_, she admitted. _Once, about five years ago. _

_Why? _Sam demanded.

_Because this was once my pack_, Nuttah glared at us.

_Back off, guys,_ I suggested. Nuttah looked at me gratefully. I focused on Sam, trying to ignore the elationg she was feeling.

_I just assumed that your pack would want to stay with your tribe,_ Sam muttered, not looking convinced.

_I came down here once after Mingan started 'recruiting' other people. I didn't stay, in case you couldn't tell. _Her tone was very cool.

_No one's accusing you_, I said. Her elation at my defending her made me cringe on the inside. It shouldn't be this confusing.

_We'll need to rest for awhile_, Sam's fatigue echoed all of ours. No one made any protest as he found us a relatively dry place to rest. _I'll go hunt again_, he offered. I agreed, too tired to think much. We all shifted, one by one. Nuttah came out from behind a clump of trees, walking on two legs again. I tore my eyes away from her, shaking my head slightly. I looked over at Jared. Quil was standing next to him, grinning sheepishly at me. I ignored him, too.

"Think you can get a fire started in this humidity?" I asked Jared. He shrugged, but set about trying. I laid down on the squishy bog land, taking a deep breath. We were almost there. The sooner we got this over with, the sooner I could get home to my girl.

I must have fallen asleep at some point, because Jared was suddenly shaking me awake.

"Jake!" he shoved me roughly.

"What," I sat up, my head cloudy and sluggish. It was dark out; frogs sang loud, throaty chorus's all around us.

"Sam,'s gone," he hissed, his eyes wide.

"What?" I gaped, trying to shake the grog out of my head.

"He's gone, damn it, Jake! There's a trail leading away from here, and it stinks like the other tribe. They took him Jake! They kidnapped Sam!"

"What?" I was on my feet now, moving towards the place where I had last seen him disappear.

"No use," Nuttah looked at me, tears streaking her cheeks. "We didn't notice it soon enough. They have him."

"Bull," I was trying to clear my head, to make sense of what they were telling me. "Sam wouldn't just go and get snatched up. He's better than that!" I was already peeling off my clothes, getting ready to shift.

"Jake, what about the other pack coming to meet us? We were suppose to wait here man!" Quil caught my arm. "We need all the help we can get, bro! If we go out there, we'll just get snatched up too!"

"We have to go get him," I snarled.

"We can't afford to loose you too! You're the only other alpha we have!" Jared shouted, helping to hold me back. _Alpha._ The word sent a chill down my spine. I ripped from their grips, and phased.

_Sam! _I screamed, listening hard for the slightest answer. There was nothing. I sat there for half an hour, screaming his name, only kept in our make-shift camp by Nuttah, Quil, and Jared buffering me back. I called, and called, and called. Nothing was returned except silence. Sam was gone.


	19. The New Pack

It took two days for Embry to catch up to us. Leah, Seth, and Paul were with him, and much to my surprise, Collin was racing along behind him. I didn't say anything; I didn't really care. As soon as they were within hailing distance, I told them about what had happened to Sam. Later that evening, they'd finally caught up with us. I was pacing, agitated, around my little square of dry swamp.

_They really took him?_ Paul asked. The rest of the pack looked exhausted. I stopped my pacing immediately.

_Why would we joke about something like that?_ I snarled, my teeth showing.

_Whoa, it's cool man. I mean, I just can't believe it, _Embry cut of Paul's thoughts. I glared around at each of them, irritated that Nuttah was right behind me.

_What the hell are we going to do? _Leah asked, her snout wrinkled. I remember that she had a lot of reason to care if Sam got back home alive or not. It calmed me slightly, for some reason.

_We go get him,_ I announced. _Rest up, and eat. We're moving out as soon as you guys can cope with it. _The pack split off to go find food. I insisted they get no more than a mile away from us. No one phased; no one would dare, not after our lack-of mental communication had gotten Sam taken from us. Embry nudged me in the head, looking anxious.

_Collin had his first shift right after we'd left man. Brady's got the fever already. I don't know if he'll be ready to join us in time, but I thought you should know._

_What the hell, _I snarled. _Why are people still shifting? _

_I dunno, _Embry admitted, _that would be the sort of thing Sam could tell us. _There was a heavy silence in our minds. I felt a very gradual fear wash over the pack. I kept my own feelings in check. None of us felt like we could do this without Sam. None of us felt like I could really lead the pack. It was a bitter realization; they didn't have faith in me, and I didn't have faith in myself.

_Bella's out of her mind with worry. _He glanced at Nuttah, narrowing his eyes. _She's not sleeping very well again. Doctor Fang's got her on some pills, to keep her calm. And, her mom's coming down to visit soon. _

_Good thing she doesn't know how bad this really is_, I muttered. I looked uncomfortably at Nuttah,

_Yeah, good thing_, Embry shook his head. None of us wanted to think about Nuttah's imprint - there was enough going on, and enough to be worried about, without adding more crap to it. And that's all these extra, confusing feelings were to me; crap. She caught my eye warily, looking concerned. She didn't expect the reaction everyone was giving her. We were all suppose to accept these sort of wolf traits without bias or judgment. The best the pack could do at the moment was to surpress their feelings and trying not to think about it. Everyone, except for Leah.

Her thoughts where a full onslaught of defenses and insults for Nuttah. She kept up a running commentary, while she lead the others in hunting, about Bella, and me, and all the issues we'd been running into lately. It got on my nerves pretty fast.

_Shut up, Leah_, I snarled after a few minutes. I felt a cringe run down the mental web. Without realizing it, I had given an alpha order. My ears pulled back. _I didn't mean that_.

_Watch yourself, then!_ Leah snarled back. _I get that you're new at this, but damn Black, I thought you had better control of yourself. _

_Working on it_, I said coolly.

We gathered ourselves up to eat the alligator that the hunters had brought back. It was horrific tasting. The fat was bitter and chewy, the skin tasted like rotten fish, and the mouth kept moving an hour after it had been killed. I sucked it up, and set the example by eating until I was full. The pack followed my lead.

_Never thought I'd miss eating raw deer_, Quil's tongue rolled out in disgust.

_I'd go for a rabbit or something,_ Embry admitted.

_Just eat guys, we need to move out_, I said with strained patience. It was taking a great deal of control to hide how worried I really was about leading the pack. It had never occurred to me that there would be a time when Sam wouldn't be there. If anyone got hurt, or kidnapped, or killed, it would be my fault.

_Stop_, Jared said after a few minutes. I felt my ears flatten. It was impossible to have thoughts that didn't get broadcast. _Dude, we trust you. It's in your blood. Besides, you've always kind of led us. We know you can do this, seriously. _I felt a surge of agreement from the rest of the pack.

_Thanks, guys,_ I murmured.

_We should think about leaving_, Leah said. I could see the tension in her wiry, silver fur. She wanted to get moving.

_Form up,_ I said. There were a few snaps and snarls behind me as everyone got into formation. I rolled my eyes, trying to be patient. This was technically a new pack now. There was going to be some resettling as everyone figured out where they should go. After a few minutes, I looked behind me. Nuttah was my beta. _What the hell guys?_ I demanded, glaring at the rest of my pack mates. Nuttah scowled, as best as she could in wolf-form.

_This is where I felt like I needed to be_, she snarled. _I didn't exactly have a choice, Black. _I felt my nose wrinkle slightly. I knew how pack-forms worked; no one could really choose where they ended up, it was more a wolf instinct that put you were you belonged. Still, it pissed me off a bit.

_Fine,_ I muttered, huffing a sigh. _Let's just get going. _

It _was_ lucky Nuttah ended up in the beta position. She knew where we were going, and could clearly see the path we were running. We traveled smoothly together; she led us by thinking of the next area we needed to be, and we all changed direction accordingly. Leah was chomping at the bit to speed up, but I warned her to stay put. On a good day, I had trouble keeping pace with her. The rest of the pack wouldn't have a chance.

_We stay together_, I said. _These are guys are nasty, we don't need to be idiots and have anyone else get captured. _

_So, Sam was being an idiot?_ Leah snarled.

_No, I was. We phased out, instead of staying linked with him. _

_Yeah, that was pretty stupid of you guys, _she declared.

_Can it, Leah, _Embry muttered. She snarled at him.

_Knock it off, all of you!_ I growled. It took some serious will to keep from making it an order. This was a hell of a lot harder than Sam every made it look.

We weren't able to get anywhere near the encampment before Mingan's pack had caught our trail. In next to no time, we were squalling in the muddy, shadowed swamplands of southern Louisiana.

_Damn it,_ I heaved a massive gray wolf out of my way, flinging him into a nearby tree. _We need to talk to them, we can't just keep fighting!_

_How the hell are we suppose to do that? _Quil screamed, rolling out from under a huge beige wolf that was trying to pin him. _It would be suicide to phase right now! These guys will kill us!_

_It's the only chance we have, _I growled. I thought about it briefly before phasing, so my pack would know to cover me.

_Don't do this!_ Nuttah snarled. It was the last thing I heard before I shifted. I stood up slowly; the moon an elgonated shadow behind me. The other pack slowly stopped, focusing on me, confused. Finally, a member shifted. It was a huge, bulky looking woman, with a shaved head and eyes that were remarkably close together.

"Why are you here?" she demanded. I couldn't get place her accent immediately; she sounded like she might be a Sioux.

"You kidnapped our alpha," I spat, "we're here to to get him back. I want to talk to Mingan."

"No," the woman folded her arms, smirking slightly.

"We don't want to fight," I urged, trying to remember some of the things Sam would say in this situation. "We don't want any trouble at all. You guys took someone from us. Plain and simple, you kidnapped one of our own. We want to negotiate his terms of release."

"Negotiate," she said slowly, as though she had never heard the word before. "You mean, bargain?"

"Yes," I clenched my fists.

"He said if you offered that, to take you to him," she looked pleased. I glanced around at my pack. One by one they phased, throwing scraps of clothing back on. I looked warily at the other pack; they made no move to follow our example. _That's not very reassuring_, I thought to myself.

The other pack was bigger than the last time we saw it. I felt my eyes widen as we shoved through the thick undergrowth, and emerged into a long, flat field. The grass was soaked, but there was at least firm mud underfoot, instead of more swamp. At least a hundred werewolves were lazing about in the clearing, some phased, and some not. I heard a strange buzzing in my ears. This was all too surreal. How could we ever fight so many?

The burly woman lead us past them without remarking; we made our way to the back of the encampment, where rows of tents where set up. I squared my shoulders. They _would_ be returning Sam to us. I didn't care what it took.

"Found 'em," the woman announced to a few men sitting around a small kerosene stove. I recognized one of them as Mingan immediately.

"Where's Sam?" I demanded, before he could speak. Mingan frowned slightly, and made a slight guesture with his hand. Sam was pulled out from one of the tents. He looked awful. There weren't any marks on him, but he was being held upright by two guys. I snarled at Mingin. "What the hell did you do to him?" He looked unconcerned, and shrugged slightly.

"Nothing he won't recover from," he replied. I heard movement from behind me, and just caught Leah around the middle before she rushed the two men holding Sam.

"Get-get off of me!" She struggled against my grip. "Look at him! Look at him Jake!"

"I know," I said softly. "Control yourself, we can't win a fight, here." Leah was dragged to the back. I could still hear her struggling behind me. Mingan smiled broadly at us. I felt a burning heat twist in my stomach. His eyes suddenly found Nuttah's. He frowned.

"What are you doing here?" he demanded. Nuttah shook her black hair from her shoulders, eying Mingan haughtily.

"None of your concern. You don't own me," she crossed her arms over her chest.

"I could-" he started.

"Hey!" I cut across him. "You don't speak to _my _pack. You deal with me." Mingan spat at Nuttah's feet.

"You would go follow this bunch of losers," he sneered. I clenched my fists.

"I said, you talk to me," I repeated. Mingan tore his eyes from Nuttah, and focused on me.

"So, you want your boy back?" he leered.

"Yeah," I clenched my teeth.

"It's gonna cost you," he slid his hands behind his back and began slowly pacing.

"What?" I asked. He had to know we didn't have anything of value - we were as piss poor as they rest of them.

"You," Mingan replied easily. "We'll let Sam go, if you join us."

"He's my imprint, you can't take him from me," Nuttah said immediately. "That's law."

"He is, is he?" Mingan looked enraged. I subconsciously stepped in front of Nuttah, ready to protect her from whatever Mingan did. "Well, I guess you'll be staying too, Nuttah. It's about time you rejoined your _real_ family."

"Bite me," she hissed, taking a step forward. I held out my arm and glared at her. She narrowed her eyes, but stepped back.

"What do you need me for?" I finally asked.

"I just don't like you," he smiled.

"Then why try and keep me here?" I demanded. He didn't answer, but smiled.

"If you refuse, we won't be keeping Sam. He's weak," Mingan kicked Sam bodily in the stomach. I snarled, my teeth almost cracking from how hard they were clenched together. "We will, be taking your girl, though."

A ringing noise echoed through my ears, and my stomach swooped like I had missed a step going down.

"What girl?" I was glad that I sounded unafraid, and pissed off.

"Bella Swan, of course," Mingan clasped his hands behind his back.

"Some of my men are already in position. They just need the word, and she'll be snatched right out of that house of hers."

"What's she to you?" I kept my lips from trembling, but my insides were squirming hotly.

"The only way to get those stupid vamps out of their little hidey hole," Mingan replied easily. "The only way to draw them all out. I hear she's pretty important to all of those long-time settlers, including the ones in Alaska. We get her, we get them."

"And if I come with you, you'll leave her alone?" I demanded. Mingan nodded, a smile still playing on his unshaven face.

"No!" Leah hissed from behind me. I ignored her.

"Deal," I stepped forward. Mingan threw Sam bodily at the rest of my pack.

"Excellent," he smirked. "I knew you'd see things my way."

"Jake, what the hell are you doing?" Nuttah seethed, stepping up behind me.

"Clark, Bogs, get these idiots out of here. I want post guards around the clock. You," he looked right at me, "you follow me."

I heard the yelling and screaming and fighting as I slowly followed Mingan to the back of the tents. Soon, snarls erupted into the air. I didn't turn around to see who it was. If this was the only way to protect Bella, then so be it.

Before I could get much further, Mingan turned around, and stabbed me with a needle in the neck. The world went from vibrant to black in seconds.

** End Part Two**


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